April Showers

It’s been a challenging month so far work-wise and I’ll be honest, I’m not really enjoying myself. Didn’t take extra leave for Eid as I was saving my leave then the gas explosion happened and I was roped into a task force.

Genocide continues, the world watches on and does nothing. Then there’s the tariff brouhaha and condescending remarks on Chinese peasants.

Arsenal frustrated and thrilled me at the same time. We only managed to draw where I thought we should win. But we also beat holders Real Madrid both home and away. It’s been a season with injuries to key players and we really should’ve done better last summer.

I’ve been coughing, it started with throat discomfort which turned into a dry cough. I lost my voice but couldn’t take time off work. Not that I’m indispensable but I didn’t want to let my team down especially when I’m a newbie too.

Well, April Showers will not last so here’s praying all the challenges we face will be over soon too. Ameen

The Year That Was: 2024

So another year had come and gone. A whole new year without any parent.

Atrocities continued in Gaza and Palestine and other areas in Yemen and Lebanon, and African countries which didn’t get publicised. It amazes me that some people, even non-Muslims, readily educated themselves and openly supported the plight of the Palestinians when some so-called Muslims just didn’t care. And it also shocked me that some people think that is-hell has the rights to force others out.

A moment of careless caused me to fall and break my wrist, necessitating a surgery and numerous physiotherapy sessions. I also had my own exercise at home and bought some exercise tools to help me. And because I didn’t really use my left hand until a few months after the surgery, I now have minor frozen shoulder and have started physiotherapy to address that issue. I really must be more alert and careful and less ditsy to avoid recurrence of this. It’s too easy to regret and say I should’ve been more alert and careful but it had already happened and regret is just a waste of time and energy. I do need to exercise more care to avoid similar occurrences and recurrence.

Arsenal finished second to Sh*tty in the 2023-2024 campaign. We drew and lost some games we shouldn’t have. The current season has been challenging with some players already out injured. Sigh.

I embarked on ‘revenge travel’ and visited a few countries (Timor Leste, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Liechtenstein) and new places (Bacolod, Semarang, Pontianak, Sapa, Kuala Krai, Zhengzhou and Xi’an) and revisited Ipoh, Taiping, Kuala Kangsar, Georgetown, Kota Kinabalu, Hanoi). Alhamdulillah. My 2024 trips were as follows:

January: Flew out at month-end to Denpasar, spent a night there and flew out to Dili in Timor Leste the following morning. I also travelled to Baucau before returning to Dili

February: Flew to Bacolod via Manila during Chinese New Year break to visit my Pinoy mate

March: Joined schoolmates on a bus trip to Ipoh, Taiping and Kuala Kangsar

April: Flew to Tashkent and on to Astana via Almaty. After two nights, I flew to Shymkent and from there travelled on to Turkestan (where I fell down and broke my wrist although I didn’t know it then) and then took the night train to Almaty

May: From Almaty, I crossed over to Bishkek. Spent two nights there before flying to Osh. After two nights in Osh, I flew to Istanbul and after a few hours of layover, I flew to Bologna. Took the coach the following morning to Vaduz in Liechtenstein, passing through Switzerland. After one night, I took the following afternoon’s coach to Milan for my flight back to KL. At month-end, I took the night bus to Georgetown for my annual trip

June: Came back from Georgetown. Had wrist surgery at month-end and was given medical leave for 3.5 weeks

July: Doctor gave me green light to travel to Kuching. From Kuching, I took a bus to Pontianak and overnighted there

August: Took the ETS train to Kampar to explore the town

September: Took the train to Arau and then travelled to Kuala Perlus during Malaysia Day weekend. The weekend after, I flew to Kota Kinabalu with my nephew and nieces. At month-end, I attended another niece’s wedding at the groom’s place and my sister and I overnighted in Kuala Krai

October: Flew to Hanoi at month-end and travelled on to Sapa from the airport

November: Returned to Hanoi and spent a night there before flying back

December: Overnight trip to Batu Pahat to settle dad’s estate. Flew to Zhengzhou on Christmas Day and took the train to and from Xi’an

I did better than 2023 but still fell one book short of my reading target of 150 books. Well, I do have to spend about 30 minutes to exercise in the evening and there were some evenings when I could hardly keep my eyes open. Some evenings I woke up to find I had dozed off when trying to read (after my exercise) and had to drag myself up to bed.

I never cared much about new year or celebrating it. All the same, I pray that the coming year will bring us good health, wealth, peace, increased iman, prosperity, success and all that we wish for. May we prioritise our mental and physical health, may we be more considerate, generous, less judgmental, more compassionate, thoughtful and kinder to everyone and all creatures.

Careless Whimper

I mentioned previously that I had a fall when I was in Turkistan and when I came back and following advice from the in-house doctor, I went to the Emergency Department of Gleneagles Hospital and did an X-ray. I was informed that I had actually broken my wrist and that the bone was healing but that I should return in a fortnight and see a hand doctor. So I reluctantly rang Gleneagles and asked the person who took my call if he could help schedule an appointment for me with any hand doctor who was available on the following Friday morning. Alhamdulillah, he managed to accommodate my request. When I met the doctor, he told me that while my bone had healed, it was malunion i.e., not set in properly. He asked me to come and do a CT scan which I did the following Thursday. The CT scan showed the fracture was worse than is shown on X-ray and even my usual therapist who at first said it might be cured by physiotherapy instead of surgery said the injury looked serious from the CT scan so I quickly messaged the hand clinic informing I’d do the surgery and even messaged the doctor the same.

 

The clinic came back with surgery date and I took it as a sign that Allah meant me to have the surgery. It was rescheduled to two days later (28 June) as the doctor was not well and I even included his health in my prayers. The day came and my nephew came to send me to the hospital. I had to start fasting from 09:00. After a bit of a wait and processing at Admissions, I was brought to my room. I was dismayed to find I had to share the room but was informed that the wards were full. At first I thought of doing the surgery when my sister was back from Haj but then decided not to delay as it would mean my recovery time would also be deferred.

 

After unpacking, I sat down to rest. One nurse came to give me anti-nausea and gastritis pills. I then performed prayers and ablutions again. The nurses came to give me a hospital gown and a pair of disposable knickers. I had to remove my watches and jewellery (I didn’t know this!) and was wheeled out just before 15:30 to the anaesthetic department. It was noisy there and yet somehow I dozed off on and off. Finally, they wheeled me into the operating theatre. They transferred me from the hospital bed onto the surgery bed or whatever it’s called. The staff then searched for a vein and the anaesthetist then put me to sleep. Just before I lost consciousness, I looked at the wall clock right in front of me and saw it was 16:00.

 

I fell into a dreamless sleep and next thing I knew, I heard someone calling out my name a few times before I opened my eyes. It was 20:00 then. I was wheeled out at 20:40 back to my room. I was feeling groggy and weak and later in the night had help to drink a few sips of water. The inconsiderate next-bed neighbour had her TV turned on throughout the night but thankfully I was out of it.

 

A nurse came just before 05:00 the following morning and helped me up. I held on to her as we walked to the bathroom where I changed clothes as there was blood on my gown. After cleaning myself, I went back to bed and performed prayers before dozing off again. I rested the whole day and managed to walk up to level 5 for X-ray. The anaesthetist came for a quick visit then my doctor came too. I was happy to find I had a good appetite throughout my stay haha.

 

The doctor came again on Sunday and he waited while I performed prayers. He looked at the stitches and told me to do some exercise. I had to wait for him to write up my discharge note. I then went to the payment area at Block A, met my niece there, back to my ward and then back again to the pharmacy at the Emergency Department for my medication. I was given fourteen days’ medical leave (which was then extended as the doctor wasn’t happy with my progress). Upon doctor’s insistence, I decided to go for physiotherapy at the hospital. Strangely enough, the pain actually intensified after the physiotherapy and I keep getting up just before 03:00. Once I even slept talk and cried myself awake from the pain.

 

I’m still thankful that it happened to my left wrist and not my right, that it happened to my wrist and not my legs or hips, that I could still function and perform light household chores with one good hand, and that I could manage on my own post-surgery.

So there you go, my story of a careless moment that now has me whimpering every now and then. Like a mate said, it’s all preordained and already written. We just have to look at the positive aspects, learn from it, and find the strength and courage to endure the test.

The Year That Was: 2023

Where do I begin? 2023 had so far been among the toughest, most challenging year ever. There were many times when I just felt like throwing up my hands in the air and giving up.

 

The first caregiver demanded a pay increase in March and I was so incensed that I immediately went to search for a replacement caregiver on FB. I contacted two and one agreed to come the following day (Saturday) to visit dad and evaluate if he was willing to commit himself. He came a bit late and visited dad. Dad wasn’t happy as he was sporting a ponytail and after he left, dad said he wanted to retain the first caregiver – despite the less-than-satisfactory work record. The other caregiver I contacted never showed up despite repeated calls and messages. I finally told the first caregiver that we were not going to renew his contract and he was not happy of course, so much so that with 13 days left to go in March, he announced suddenly it was his last day. I quickly contacted the caregiver who came to visit dad and alhamdulillah he was able to start the very next day. He showed up with a shaved head and I gave him a brief introduction before leaving for work. Alhamdulillah, it turned out to be a wise decision as he was able to meet my dad’s demands.

 

I had a series of illnesses: the usual gastritis, got stung by a hornet once, and had very bad fever/body ache twice. Apart from that, I was blessed with good health, alhamdulillah. I did lose sleep once in a while. I had continued to cut down on junk food but not altogether (oops).

 

Dad had a series of UTI episodes and was even warded for five nights in June and was discharged on the eve of Eid Adha. He lost even more weight and was more skin and bones. He still had good appetite but was unable to eat much as he’d feel nauseous after a while. I had to call the doctor-on-call a few times to attend to him. And finally, he had a fall and that was the last straw that broke him. He passed twelve days later. And now I’m all alone.

 

Arsenal continued to excite and frustrate me in equal measure. They flirted with the top spot before finally succumbing to injuries. And they ended 2023 not with a bang but with a whimper.

 

My fellow brothers and sisters in Uyghur, India, and especially in Palestine – specifically Gaza -  were subjected to harassment, persecution and bombardment. I don’t want to give up on justice and fairness prevailing but there are times when I think we have become hardened and indifferent to suffering. I have been boycotting certain brands and F&B chains for years now and will continue to do so.

 

I had to spend a lot of money on house repairs and was not happy with the result of one expensive repair especially when another contractor (which slipped my mind and only recalled in December) made comments on the handiwork of the first contractor and said he would charge me less than 21% of what I paid to the first contractor. Strewth!

 

Yes, 2023 was such a challenging and difficult year on so many levels. At work, my department merged with two others and I now have a different portfolio. I hope and pray that I will enjoy my new portfolio. Upheaval at work, learning and getting used to technology at work, new colleagues, and soon new work floor and workstation. Must confess that I felt overwhelmed at times.

 

I would sound ungrateful if I say that nothing good happened in 2023. Alhamdulillah, I have my sister and her family who really helped and supported me in my time of need and my close friends too. I was also able to travel and my trips and explorations are as follows:

January: didn’t travel

February: flew out to Tawau

March: day trip to JB

April: day trip to Teluk Intan

May: short weekend in Miri

June: train trip to Batu Gajah

July: birthday weekend in KK. Took the local train to Beaufort and also visited Sabah State and Islamic Civilisation Museums

August: took the train to the Royal Town of Kuala Kangsar

September: trip to Pangkor Laut Resort

October: didn’t travel

November: spent short weekend in Sandakan

December: road trip to Johore and an overnight trip to Penang

I fell short of my annual reading target of 150 books and only managed 145.5 books. I found it especially hard to concentrate after dad left and I was dozing off on many evenings instead of reading.

 

After dad left us, we embarked on decluttering and I had also managed small-scale decluttering on my own.

 

Happy New Year 2024. May this year bring us peace, prosperity, success, love, iman, good health, wealth and all we wish for. May we continue to strive to be better than we were before, to have more compassion and consideration for others, be more generous, more positive and kinder to everyone and every being. May we all have a blessed year. And this year, I plan to walk down the aisle. Oh yes, the airplane aisle. Ameen.

How Do I Live

I woke dad up the same evening I came back from Langkawi (15 October 2023) to perform Isya’ prayers. I was careless and let him walk on his own instead of walking behind him. As I was about to don my prayer attire, I turned to look at him and saw him falling. I rushed over but could not stop him from falling. He felt pain and wanted me to bring him back to bed. We struggled for some time and I didn’t want to leave him alone as he could not even support himself even when he told me to get the neighbour’s help. At one point, he almost fell again and I managed to stop him from falling and hitting his head on the floor. Finally, with God’s help, I managed to lift him up onto the bed. We collapsed for a while then I attempted to straighten his body. I took some ice pack and put under his body.

 

The next morning, I didn’t wake him up for prayers but went to see him before I left for work. The caregiver didn’t move him much either. I finally decided to get the doctor on call to come and examine dad on Tuesday. The doctor came at almost noon and advised us to bring dad to the hospital to get some X-ray done. My sister called for an ambulance and it arrived almost immediately. I got a ride to Hospital Ampang after work from a colleague and we stayed there until after midnight when we finally met the orthopaedic. Dad was in a bad way, she said, and the hospital wanted to admit him for about 10-14 days. There was a long queue to be warded though and he might only be warded after 03:00 but that we could go back. So my sister sent me home before leaving.

 

The next morning (Wednesday), I went to the hospital and worked there. I left after meeting the doctor (another orthopaedic this time). She took off dad’s bandages. Thus began his hospitalisation episode. I didn’t visit him that evening but went on Thursday in the heavy rain. And I spent the whole Saturday at the hospital but he was mainly sleeping. He was sleeping a lot the past few months.

 

I went to the hospital again after work on Monday (23 October, exactly 13 years since Mummy left) as dad was about to be discharged. I was myself so ill at that point and I left before the ambulance came to get him and bring him to a nursing home in Bangi. My sister had visited the nursing home and the four of us agreed to send him there as he’d be needing full-time care which I would not be able to provide as I lack the strength. The caregiver said he would wait for dad and follow behind the ambulance. That was the last time I saw dad alive…

 

As my sister already said she wanted to come to clear up things in the house on Saturday (28 October), I decided to visit dad on Sunday. However, on Friday afternoon (27 October), my sister called me in tears saying that dad was dying. I asked if she was serious, if she was certain, and she said yes but that she couldn’t continue. I decided to leave after Asar prayers and quickly arranged for a Maxim car. The car arrived later than expected and thankfully it was a dry afternoon for a change but I was too late. Dad had gone even before the car arrived. And I didn’t manage to meet dad and seek his forgiveness for all my wrongdoings.

 

After Mummy left us, I spent the most time with dad. Sometimes I felt resentful of my situation. The more time I spent with him, the more impatient I got at times, the more tired I became, the more short-fused. And I know I had hurt him at times with my rough behaviour. I’m not a gentle girl, I’m rough and clumsy. Because I spent the most time with him, I was the one who hurt him the most. My brothers probably hurt him from their negligence but I hurt him with my bad temper and obstinate nature. I would talk back to defend myself especially if I felt I was being unfairly accused of something. I should’ve just let it go but no, I insisted on and persisted in defending myself.

 

When he started having UTI in end-March 2022, his health deteriorated and every time he had UTI, he would behave strangely. He mentioned a few times that he was ready to meet his Maker but I told him I wasn’t ready to let him go and asked who would take care of me if he left? Then I felt bad because I shouldn’t be selfish and make him worry about leaving me behind. So even though there were times when I felt like screaming at my situation and that I knew all living beings would die and dad would leave me one day because of his advanced age and worsening health, I just wasn’t ready to let him go.

 

And now he’s gone. I’m now bereft of parental love and guidance and prayers. I’m now left alone to my devices. I have my sister and brothers but they have their own families. But I have Allah. I will take my time to grieve.

 

I would like to thank everyone who came, sent messages, thoughts and prayers, who recited Yassin and tahlil, who helped give dad his lasty bath, who performed solat jenazah, who helped make the burial smooth, who attended the service, who participated in the tahlil and who gave money. I would also like to thank my mates who came and some bringing food to ensure I didn’t starve myself. I didn’t have the strength to inform my FB friends and they only knew a week after dad left.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Thank you, Allah, for lending dad to us. The kindest man I knew, he was my first love and my hero. He never laid a finger on me or my sister, my parents never even pinched us. I wish I had been more obedient and less obstinate, obedient, gentle, soft-spoken. I hope I haven’t given dad too much heartache and disappointed him too much. I hope he forgave me for all wrongdoings and gave blessings to my food and drink. I hope I hadn’t made him give up on me or be too exasperated. After all the pain and suffering he’d suffered these last few months, I hope he’s at peace on the other side and continue to watch over me. He had lived his life with honour and dignity, he worked hard to provide for us all, he was a pillar in our community and he continued to contribute even after he had retired. He had gone around the world and performed Haj twice. In short, he had lived a rich fulfilling life.

 

I know you worried about leaving me all alone but insyaAllah I will make it through somehow. I just wonder how I could go on without your advice and guidance. When I was small, I sometimes wondered how I’d make it through life without my parents and somehow here I am, thirteen years since Mummy left.

 

Al Fatihah to Mummy and Abah. Both gone in October. 23 October 2010 and 27 October 2023.

Memories

Here’s to the ones that we got

Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not

‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories

Of everything we’ve been through

Toast to the ones here today

Toast to the ones that we lost on the way

‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories

And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

There’s a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain

When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same

Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name

‘Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody hurts someday, ayy-ayy

But everything gon’ be alright

Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here’s to the ones that we got

Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not

‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories

Of everything we’ve been through

Toast to the ones here today

Toast to the ones that we lost on the way

‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories

And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo

Memories bring back, memories bring back you

There’s a time that I remember when I never felt so lost

When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)

Now my heart feel like an ember and it's lighting up the dark

I’ll carry these torches for ya and you know I'll never drop, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody hurts someday, ayy-ayy

But everything gon’ be alright

Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here’s to the ones that we got (oh-oh)

Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not

‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories

Of everything we've been through (no, no)

Toast to the ones here today (ayy)

Toast to the ones that we lost on the way

‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ayy)

And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo

Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo (ooh, yeah)

Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Gone Too Soon

I went out briefly and was home by 13:40 on Saturday. Woke dad up for lunch and attended to him. I had a quick lunch too and performed prayers before tidying up the dining table. Only after all that was over, I checked my phone and found two missed calls. I checked my contacts but the number was not in my phone so I didn’t call back. Then I checked my WhatsApp messages and was shocked and horrified when I read that a very dear mate had just passed. ‘What! This couldn’t be true! Maybe my boss mistook the name.’ But alas, as I read further, my fears were realised. My mate had left us all. Needless to say, I was in a state of disbelief throughout that day. I slept poorly that night and was awake after 2 a.m.

His passing really hit me bad as I was close to him. Besides discussing work, we used to chat about football, tennis and Federer. I always consulted him on supplements because despite being a smoker, he ate healthily – salads, fruits - proper meals in short and hardly any junk food unlike moi - and took supplements and vitamins. I really enjoyed our chats because he was an intelligent and funny and had his own perspective and ideas. He was a sporty person, he would go to the gym to work out, he played volleyball locally and even abroad, and he would go for jogs.

He was one who kept to himself and didn’t join in gossips. He was a true gentleman, he never slammed the door and instead would ensure the door close gently behind him, he would hold the door open for everyone. He was respectful to everyone from the cleaners to the secretaries to the big bosses. His parents certainly raised him well. He was always cheerful, jovial and smiling, never a bad word against anyone. If he was ever unhappy, he hid it well. He was one of the very few who would participate actively in discussions and meetings – the others would be mute and play dumb but not he. He was a great team member. He was never shy from speaking out, from expressing his opinions, from seeking clarification. He was, in short, a very rare breed and I’m not just saying this because he has passed and I’m supposed to say only good things about those who have left us.

Oh sure, he had his shortcomings too like doing things at the last minute. But I can tell you honestly that the work he produced would always be satisfactory and I didn’t need to amend his work much. And as I told my peers, I much prefer that than working with people who submit their work quickly but the work lack quality or the content is wanting.

Alhamdulillah, my sister and brother-in-law came over on Saturday and overnighted which enabled me to go and pay my last respects to him. I met the wife and she said she was trying to call me (it only struck me much later that the missed calls were from her to inform of my mate’s passing) and she asked me to forgive arwah and deem whatever food he partook to be halal. Crying, I told her that arwah had no sins with me – it is I who had sinned against him – and he had nothing owing to me.

Oh my dear mate, how are we going to go about the rest of our working lives without you to grace us with your presence and company? He asked me at least twice when I would be retiring and indicated he wanted to retire together with me. Later, other colleagues told me he kept mentioning taking early retirement. Oh my dear mate, I went to work on Monday and cried a few times talking and thinking about you. I didn’t know it’s possible to miss a work colleague this much but he was not just another colleague, he was my mate.

Dear mate, I miss you very much. I miss your friendship, your laughter, your humour. I can only offer Al Fatihah to you now. I hope I didn’t cause you undue stress, I hope I didn’t stress you out or put you under pressure. I hope you’re peaceful there. I’m thankful that our paths crossed and I shall value and treasure our friendship and your kindness. My life is richer for having known you. You were one of a kind, a rare gem indeed. Thank you for teaching me the value of friendship, patience, and being respectful to others. I only wish I had told you all of this before. May Allah reward and grant you Jannatul Firdaus.

Like they say: the good die young.

A Change Would Do You Good

It has been weeks since we found out that there would be changes happening and the day has finally arrived. Imminent, inevitable, unavoidable, it’s something which we were hoping would not happen and were even given assurance wouldn’t take place but somehow some people decided to pursue it for the sake of someone so now it has happened. When I first heard about it, I wasn’t happy. I was a bit apprehensive and worried which is normal. Then I told myself that I should have faith in Allah and trust that everything will work out. After all, Allah knows best.

Another change I’ve observed over time is of myself. I find that I’m not as quick to lose my temper as before, that I try to see the good in situations instead of jumping to conclusions, I try to think things through and not get emotional immediately, and I try to be thankful for the little things. Which are all signs of me either being more matured and wiser (really?) and are good anyway. Oh, I still lose my temper every now and then and there was a time recently when I felt this perpetual anger inside me, but I do not lose it as easily and as quickly as before. All good and well for my blood pressure and general health, I’m sure. I don’t know if it means I’ve mellowed down but I think if there’s anything positive about the pandemic, it’s that it taught me to value and prioritise my mental health. After all, there are other more serious things (such as life threatening, or life-or-death issues) to be upset about.

Scrabbling Around

Just a little update on my uneventful life: there was a series of games event earlier this month (well, it started at the end of November) and I found myself selected to represent TheCompany for Scrabble. We started our practice in June, abandoned it half-way and only started again in mid-October (oops! Blame work for that!).

The Scrabble games took place on 3 and 4 December 2022. We were provided accommodation at Park Inn by Radisson Putrajaya and checked in on 2 December 2022 - Alhamdulillah for that as I wouldn’t want to commute from home or office every morning to get to Bangi. As I rode with my friend on Friday, I found myself helping to set up the tables for the matches the following day... setting up boards, drawing out the tiles and assembling them on the boards, setting the chess clocks and tile racks. I was this close to regretting hitching a ride from my friend.

It was a mentally and physically exhausting weekend. Definitely mentally exhausting if one has to play six games with all the stress that came with it on the first day and three games on the second day. Physically exhausting too for some reason even though I know we didn’t run up and down the hall or around the stadium. We were so exhausted that we didn’t even make dinner plans on Saturday and retired to our respective rooms.

Long story short: TheCompany won gold for Scrabble, its only gold for the whole tournament. Alhamdulillah. I suffered a very bad gastritis on Monday, so much so I had to get medical leave for the afternoon. My first medical leave of the year. So yes, we won, but at what cost.

Workwise, I’ve also been busy, like the rest of the office, carrying out year-end activities.

On the personal front, there’ll be no trip abroad this December because I’m literally grounded. There have been many times I feel like an only child for all the attention, help and support that my brothers give my parents and myself over the years.

Too Good At Goodbyes

You must think that I’m stupid

You must think that I’m a fool

You must think that I’m new to this

But I have seen this all before

 

I’m never gonna let you close to me

Even though you mean the most to me

‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts

So, I’m never gonna get too close to you

Even when I mean the most to you

In case you go and leave me in the dirt

 

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And every time you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it'’ sad, but it’s true

 

I’m way too good at goodbyes

(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I’m way too good at goodbyes

(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

 

I know you’re thinking I’m heartless

I know you’re thinking I’m cold

I’m just protecting my innocence

I’m just protecting my soul

 

I’m never gonna let you close to me

Even though you mean the most to me

‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts

So, I’m never gonna get too close to you

Even when I mean the most to you

In case you go and leave me in the dirt

 

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And every time you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad, but it’s true

 

I’m way too good at goodbyes

(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

I’m way too good at goodbyes

(I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No way that you’ll see me cry

(No way that you’ll see me cry)

I’m way too good at goodbyes

(I’m way too good at goodbyes) no

 

No, no, no, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)

No, no, no, no

No, no, no (I’m way too good at goodbyes)

(No way that you’ll see me cry)

Ah-ah-ah (I’m way too good at goodbyes)

 

‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry

And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry

And every time you walk out, the less I love you

Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad, but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes

Overwhelmed

 July is my favourite month of the year because it’s my birth month, the month named after Julius Caesar, the month where ruby, the king of precious gems, is the birthstone. I usually overindulge myself in July, I overspend to treat myself because hey, I deserve to and I’m worth it all and more.

This July though has been a mixture of challenges and frustration.

My dad was warded last Sunday for an injury for a couple of nights which happened a fortnight ago and left untreated because he could not be persuaded to go to the hospital when it happened. My sister and I first spent four hours at Ampang Puteri and after that slow unconvincing experience, had to rush out to get dad treated again. We decided to head for Gleneagles instead and spent another 2.5 hours there. The doctor managed to persuade dad to be warded and we had to return home to pack his medicine and clothes etc. He was discharged on Tuesday.

Yesterday, he had a fall and I had to summon all my strength to help lift him. The caregiver and I then brought him to Ampang Puteri and we spent almost the whole working day (09:30 to 16:20) there. X-ray revealed that the bone on his upper arm has a fracture.

Still, I am thankful that it was his left upper arm that is fractured and not his right arm as dad is right-handed. I’m thankful it happened to his arm and not his hips. Thankful that he didn’t suffer a concussion. Very thankful that it didn’t lead to a stroke. Thankful too that it happened when I was still at home and hadn’t left for work. Thankful he didn’t have to undergo surgery. Thankful he didn’t have to be warded. I have much to still be thankful for.

Just be easy on me for the rest of the year, please, Allah. Oh, and this month, my credit card statement will show that I had really been spending, paying for those hospital visits/stay and at what cost you may say. It’s true when they say health is wealth.

May Allah grant us good health and wealth, success, peace, iman, love, happiness and all the good things that we pray for. Amen.

Life Changes

 Dad had been going to the Health Clinic every fortnight to change his urine bag. He would usually suffer some pain after he came back from the clinic and the pain would last for a few days. On Wednesday, 23 March 2022, he went to change the urine bag as usual and when I came back from work, he said he was in so much pain the whole day. It was so bad he even passed motion a few times. It even continued until he no longer realised he was about to pass motion – maybe the muscles had gone weak.

 

Early the following morning, I found faeces by his bed and had to clean it up. I found the same thing repeated on Friday morning but this time, his bedsheet had also been soiled. I felt like crying but crying never helped in those situations so I picked up all the soiled clothing and proceeded to launder them. I also noticed that he had started to confuse his prayer steps. He then proceeded to doze off after morning prayers on Friday and I woke him up and told him to lie down. Well, he ended up sleeping until past 11 a.m. I consulted Akak and she told me to buy some adult diapers.

 

It continued through that weekend. He became weaker. It was shocking to see how rapid his health deteriorated. I turned to Mr Google and found some companies that offered doctors on call and after contacting with a few, managed to secure one to come on Saturday evening. I never knew before that we had doctors on call here. The doctor arrived late as he was detained at his previous visit. He told my sister that dad had an infection as evidence by the cloudy urine. He gave some antibiotics and advised for dad to switch to silicone catheter.

 

Dad remained weak throughout that weekend. Akak had informed the brothers and they suggested either getting an Indonesian helper or bringing dad to stay at Akak’s (‘smart ideas’ eh). Akak came across a couple of caregivers and asked me to contact them so I did. The first caregiver I contacted said he could help care after dad and after I had discussed with his wife (it’s a husband-and-wife venture), they agreed to pay a visit that Sunday afternoon. I had also contacted another caregiver and the person agreed to come that same evening but never showed up. I decided to give the first caregiver a three-day trial.

 

Well, I think it’s dad’s rezeki because the caregiver has so far shown that he’s trustworthy, patient and able to care for dad. Dad’s condition slowly improved, very slowly actually. He needed help the first ten days after he got ill – help getting into bed, help getting out of bed, help getting to and into the bathroom, help getting up from the toilet... he’s better now at getting into and out of bed but we have to hold on to him when he walks now. He has a good appetite but is always unable to finish his meals because he feels nauseous after a few bites. He still misses some rakaat and rituals in his prayers but he's still determined to keep on performing prayers. He would put any young and abled non-practising Muslims to shame with his determination.

 

I know he’s ready to go and I cannot stop it if Allah has deemed it’s time for him to go. But I can’t help wondering who would take care of me when he’s gone. Am I selfish for thinking about myself? Maybe. Still, I know I can’t make him feel bad about leaving me behind.

 

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past three weeks. It seems like my temporary new norm is to get up after 02:00 or 03:00 in the morning and not be able to sleep thereafter. It’s taking a toll on me. I insist on still going to work because I would go mental otherwise. I need social interaction and stimulation. I do the best I can, spend time with him and attend to him when I get home. I don’t see why I can’t let someone who’s better able and capable of caring my dad look after him while I’m at work. He needs the job and is doing us all a favour, and we need him to help dad and us. And as far as possible, I want some aspect of my life to continue as usual.

 

I now have to do a whole lot of things every morning before leaving for work. Previously, I’d have to get up in the middle of the night when he called out for me to help him go to the bathroom (he doesn’t do often anymore and yet I still wake up at ungodly hours for no reason at all). I cook him porridge, cook one or two vegetable dish, cook rice and sometimes boil water before leaving for work. I sweep the dining and kitchen areas every alternate days and run the laundry, hang the clothes and fold them when I get back from work. I help bring him to the bathroom to perform ablutions, heat up the food and serve dinner, empty out his urine bag, brush his dentures, put on his diapers after he’s gone to the toilet. Alhamdulillah it has been raining on some afternoons so at least I don’t have to spend too much time watering the plants. On weekends, I bathe him too. In short, I have to do a lot more multi-tasking and juggling chores.

 

I also have to spend a lot more on his care: adult diapers, silicone catheters, urine bags, nutritional drinks (to ensure he still gets his nutrition despite not being able to finish his meals). I now browse for adult diapers on Shopee!

 

Still, I am thankful. Thankful that he may be forgetful at times but not suffering from Alzheimer or trapped in his own world. He’s still lucid. I’m thankful that he can still walk slowly and not wheelchair bound. I’m thankful that I still get to perform prayers with him. I’m thankful that I’m still healthy and able myself to take care of him. Oh, my brothers still haven’t come back to visit. Why even bother having sons? Dad is doing much better now than he was twenty days ago but there are many things that he will no longer do liked drive out to get food or send me half-way every morning.

 

I know I haven’t been the best daughter. I’m rough, I’m not a ladylike girly girl who’s soft and gentle. I used to have a very short fuse but I’ve learned to be patient (still learning). I’m sorry that dad has to put up with me. Well, as of now I don’t have anyone that can help care for me so I still have to work to earn money that will help me hire some caregiver if I reach old age insyaAllah.

 

It’s hard work and I get so tired these days. I have lost weight, easily 2-3 kg. I need a break every now and then too and no one had better stop me or make me feel guilty for taking a well-deserved break. Even caregivers have their off days!

 

I pray that Allah will ease our affairs. Ameen.

Step By Step

My alma mater is celebrating its 75^th year this year (Diamond Jubilee) and there are activities lined up. After the logo designing competition at the end of 2021, we have the Jom 75k Steps which runs throughout the whole of March. Proceeds go to association fund for charity.

 

My friend was busy persuading us to participate. I was undecided at first then finally decided to participate. I had my own targets: to reach 75k within the first week, 100k steps after 10 days, 150k steps by 15 March and at least 300k steps by month-end. Some of us met up during weekends to walk together at the Lake Garden and Putrajaya. I just concentrated on my own individual walk. It helps that I go to the office almost daily because working from home will definitely not generate enough steps for me.

 

We were in fourth place for some time and one day, we overtook the team in third place and later the same day, we even leapfrogged the team which had resolutely been in second. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long and we dropped back to third place within a week. And at one point, we even dropped back to fourth place but we fought back. It was a daily ritual for us to check BiiB to see how our team was faring. We gave encouragement to each other, we even pressured each other to do more. We were kiasu. Alas, in the end, we could not get ourselves from fourth spot.

 

Oh, we had our challenges. Some of our walkers succumbed to Covid. Some had knee problems, some had diarrhoea, and I have my own problems, concerns and worries over dad. I still tried my best and wish I could do more. I managed 373k steps a bit more. Couldn’t quite reach 375k steps, alas.

 

So glad it’s over as it means I don’t have to carry my phone every day and all the time. I had never been so attached to my phone as I was in March!

 

#keepingupwiththekurshians

The Year That Was: 2021

2021 followed from 2020 with the pandemic showing no signs of dying out; in fact it accelerated and we had to endure with continued restrictions. I know I’m not alone in facing the trials, challenges, headaches, frustration and anger. It was another testing, trying, tiring year but at least we were in it together and while it’s no consolation, I know there were others in much worse situation. Dad showed further signs of slowing down and health deterioration but I suppose for his age and health challenges, he did pretty well. If I can say anything positive about the pandemic, it’s that it taught us to be more patient, resilient and grateful for what we have.

The political situation escalated into cringe-worthy episodes which were so frankly embarrassing and just serve to show how clueless and thoughtless those in charge with leading the country are. Meanwhile, more people tested positive and more Covid deaths took place, including my dad’s younger cousin and some high school seniors and juniors. The common people were given different treatment than those who were connected. It just shows how sick things have got in this country.

Each day brings me further away from Mummy. I still miss her with such intensity that hurts to this day.

Conflicts and war continued in Syria, Yemen, Palestine, India, Kashmir, Myanmar and other countries. Oppression continued in China against the Uyghurs and the world continued to stand aside in silence.

 

There were natural catastrophes too and the worst of the floods hit a few states with the politicians proving themselves further unprepared to face the disaster. A few cases of stupidity resulted which was shown abroad too like stopping an ambulance to let some VVIP cars pass through and cleaning of already cleaned drains of bird and lizard dropping. Seriously WTF.

After the inter-district and then interstate travel restrictions were lifted, I managed to make a few trips as follows:

 

September: took the train to Kuala Kubu Bharu

October: took local transportation to Kuala Selangor and then took the train to Tanjung Malim

November: took the train to Pulau Sebang/Tampin on one Saturday, the bus to Raub on another Saturday and then spent a weekend in Port Dickson with the family

December: spent a weekend in Penang and then flew to Labuan on Christmas Day.

 

Alhamdulillah.

 

It continued being a hard year for any Arsenal supporter and the new season didn’t start off promising at all. Auba was stripped of the captaincy in mid-December. The young Guns are showing promises but our record against the big clubs continued to be poor.

 

I managed to read 154 books in 2021, Alhamdulillah.

 

I went for an occasional morning walk and had taken to picking rubbish along the highway at the start of my walks. I had cut down somewhat on junk food and will continue to try eat healthily.

 

Happy New Year 2022. May this year be a better and kinder year for us all. May we be strong to face come what may, insyaAllah, and may Allah keep us safe in His care and bless us. Ameen.

Simply The Best

 

This post is a continuation of my last post about our teacher. Since the dinner ceremony which culminated in the presentation of the vehicle, there have been many postings on social media about him. There have been requests to interview him and even his fellow teachers. There have even been those who questioned why he was the chosen one among our many teachers and why that particular vehicle. There were those who said he was a very lucky man indeed, those who said he must be well loved, and even those who quickly reached the assumption that the alumni must be made of very wealthy ladies indeed.

 

Why was he singled out? Well, he was the only teacher we had who dedicated his whole career to the school, to teaching us. Why that particular vehicle? Apparently he did share that he liked that vehicle. Anyway, believe me, if we could’ve gotten him something else, even the stars and moon, we would for all his sacrifice and just so that the stars and moon could light his path forever. So many batches chipped in so one did not have to contribute thousands. Average it out. We just contributed according to our means. He deserved so much more but that was all we could afford to give him.

 

To those who said he was a lucky man, well, yes, he was. But as students, we are the lucky ones to have been guided and taught by great teachers. We were taught to respect our teachers and this is just a small way of showing our love, appreciation and gratitude to the humblest, kindest, respectful person with the patience of an angel who we’ve had the pleasure of knowing. He was our elder brother, mentor and friend. He walked through that path of hardship while ensuring we succeed. It’s not just his former students who thought the world of him, even his peers thought he was the kindest, most decent person. Throughout, he remained humbled, respectful, polite and full of humility. He thinks the best of everyone else. He said he was surrounded by the best fellow teachers and principal. He said he had the best students although some may take a longer time to figure things out, to find their way. He said he was just an ordinary teacher who had the opportunity to work with the best. The best person among us does not go around telling the world he’s the best because the others will realise it themselves. The best person among us does not need validation from others. From the many stories shared by sisters, I realised how lucky we were to have crossed paths with this incredible awesome person. Even though he gave the best years of his life to teaching, he was frustrated because he didn’t think he’d done enough. He was so dedicated and sincere in his teaching that he even held special one-to-one classes to those who needed extra sessions. He really had our best interests at heart.

 

 

I wish I had the benefit and pleasure of having been taught by him back in school. Still, after all these years of having left school, amazingly, he is still teaching me life lessons on always striving to be a better person. It’s not everyday that you can find a gentleman who believed in mischievous girls, who kept telling us we are capable and that we just haven’t figured out the way, who is an inspiration to both students and teachers, and who empowered as many girls as he did.

  

Thank you, teacher, for all you’ve done for us and the school, for enabling us to keep the school flag flying high, for the life lessons you continue to teach, for inspiring us, in short for everything, and for being simply the best. Our lives are richer and more meaningful for having known you. Alhamdulillah.

* photos nicked from FB again

Thank You For The Greatest Love Of All

It all started with batch 2004’s message in October on their drive for #ACarForOurBelovedEncikAhmad which informed that our beloved legendary Encik Ahmad was going to retire in December (this month) after 35 years in TKC (apparently 35 years, 11 months and 10 days). He had been loyal with TKC since 1985, dedicating his whole career to the school and even declining an offer to become principal/headmaster of another school, before finally deciding to rest and retire this month. Hence, the plan was to collect from ex-TKCians, 1985-2021 especially, to give him something big and memorable and very useful for him after his retirement, which was a car! The plan was to collect at least RM2k from each batch to reach the target (preferably a family car) - although any car would be more than OK for Encik Ahmad – of more than RM50k so that we could buy him a proper car. The deadline was by 1-3 December 2021 as his retirement party would be on 10 December plus extra days were needed to prep the BIG Gift from all of us to him.

 

This message appeared on 29 October and back then I was wondering if we could pull it off. But you know what, we did it and even tripled the collection money. Never ever underestimate the power of dreams and sheer dedication of TKC girls when we set our mind on something! Our batch came up with RM10,500 within a fortnight (among the highest contributing batch, alhamdulillah). A family car was purchased, and the registration number with letters of his name in it and the years he taught at TKC was secured. The car was presented to him on his farewell party on 12 December. The extra money collected would be deposited into his Tabung Haji account too. Alhamdulillah.

 

I never had the opportunity or pleasure of being taught by Encik Ahmad (he taught Mathematics and Additional Maths subjects). Nevertheless, I’ve heard of him of course. When he first started teaching, being one of the young male teachers, he was often the brunt of our teasing. He was quick to blush and was often the target of our relentless teasing. Adolescent girls at an all-girls’ school can be very mischievous and we often played tricks on our teachers especially on April Fool’s Day. He was not spared of course. He brought his own chalks to class because someone soaked the chalks once. One time, the students turned away and faced the back of the class instead of the blackboard. Undeterred, he went to the back of the classroom and started writing on the lockers. Another class went to the bathroom and stayed there until he came and asked if he should start teaching them in there. Some others hid his motorcycle and another year, some others hid his shoes (I don’t know how they got hold of his shoes in the first place!). He would also resolutely teach while remaining standing on April Fool’s Day because some pranksters may have poured some glue on the teacher’s chair. I think if all the stories and memories with him were compiled, it could become a very interesting hilarious read indeed. Despite being a very shy person, he grew up with us and became wise to our ways. He was infinitely patient and never lost his temper with us. Forgive us, Encik Ahmad and all teachers, for our naughty ways. We never meant to embarrass or offend you. We were just being girls, and you know what they say: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Even after we had left school, he was there, a constant assuring presence. He gave my friend, who was feeling alone and homesick for being away far away from home at 18, emotional support and advice.

 

When he was presented the car, he looked a bit lost and confused. Later he confessed he thought us girls were playing a prank on him again and that the car was a Matchbox or Hotwheels type of car. The first word he clearly uttered was the Selawat for Prophet Muhammad SAW, a genuine spontaneous expression of gratefulness for what Allah has bestowed upon him. When he gave his thanks, he also said the car was a gift for himself and other teachers too.

 

I was young and didn’t have nowhere to run

I needed to wake up and see what’s in front of me

There has to be a better way

Say it again, a better way to show I’m grateful

So I thought of this song

To show my appreciation for lovin’ me so long

You don’t know how much you mean to me

 

‘Cause even though when times got rough

You never turned away, you were right there

And I thank you, thank you

When I felt I had enough

You never turned away, you were right there

And I thank you, thank you

 

All through my life I knew that you’d be my world

Knowin’ everywhere I go things you taught me, they would show

So many times and changes you’ve seen me through

I sure enough couldn’t have survived without you

And so I thought of this song

To show my appreciation for lovin’ me so long

You don’t know how much you mean to me

 

Thank you, Encik Ahmad. Thank you for your Ocean Deep commitment, dedication, infinite patience, love, guidance, kindness, support and wisdom in educating us (no mean feat considering We’re No Angels!). Thank you for teaching us humility and appreciation for others. I never had the opportunity of being taught by you but many of us had the benefit and pleasure of your teaching. Take good care and may Allah bless you always. You believed in us, you cared for us, and you showed us The Greatest Love Of All because –

 

I believe the children are our future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

 

Don’t fret too much about promotions or rewards. If you work with sincerity, humility and patience, all in the name of the Almighty, insyaAllah, Allah SWT will find ways to bless you with the rizqi you deserve. ~Encik Ahmad

 

Ameen ya rabb alamin.

 

#keepingupwiththekurshians

* All photos are nicked from FB. Thank you, sisters!