Email - Part II

Salam

Dearest Friend

1st of all, thanks very much for the photos ...!

Hmmm, do you think Asians put in more hours than the Europeans? I do wonder. But really, I don't think it's all that bad here. Well, of course I could do with a bit more pay but at least ... and whether family life will deteriorate, well, I don't know. I shd think that it's worse in the West.

Good to hear that FI will be going for Umrah. Although it'll be pretty hot over there already right. Glad that she's going there, after all she's been to a few places already. Yes, I do wish for an opportunity to return there. But I need a muhrim or at least a company of like-minded people. Somehow can't really see anyone I know, who's also single, who'd want to go there yet.

You know, I was actually quite mad at the situation. No, please, it's NOT your fault. You're just being a real sweetie and just want the best for your friends. But I wasn't happy, for lack of a better word, when I read that he thinks I'd be a great Aisyah. Please, I know I'm not that. And I'm not saying we can't be like her but that I think it's a little bit too much to ask for/expect from someone when you haven't even started anything. And it's not as if I'm expecting him to be like Rasul or anything. I don't know where he got the idea that I'll be a great Aisyah. It's not that I won't change myself for the better but I think it's a bit premature to have that perception or expectation. And I'm sure he'll be disappointed when he finds out I'm hardly a good wife candidate like Aisyah or a good daughter like Fatimah etc.

And also I was mad when I read the part where he said he's actually a shy person. Is he trying to imply that I'm not a shy, demure person? Just because I agree to accept your help, does that mean I'm being too foward or advanced and not how a girl shd be, i.e. shy?

And since he's easing himself from someone now, well, I'll be honest to say that I won't be too thrilled to fill in the shoes for anyone on the rebound. That would be just humiliating, I think.

I don't know Friend, but I know I was mad enough yesterday - no, not that I am not appreciative of your efforts, I really truly am - but I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone and that it's never the right time for me to meet anyone who likes me for the way I am, for who and what I am. And if I will ever meet anyone. If I'm always going to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enough to make me cry myself to sleep, yet again.

Sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything. But I think I'm mad at the situation, mad at him, mad at not being given the opportunity. All I'm expecting right now, unlike him who expects me to be a great Aisyah, is a friendship and it's OK to start as platonic friends. And if it doesn't work out, it's OK to remain as platonic friends. But no, I am not even allowed that opportunity. And I don't think I care to know him anymore. Because I don't want him to think I'm desperate or patheticly hopeful for his friendship. Because I'm not. And why shd I wait til June or whenever when all I'm expecting at this moment is just pure friendship. Please, we're all adults here. Just because you thought of fixing us up as friends doesn't mean I'm planning to marry him already. And somehow I think [rightly or wrongly] that's what he's thinking, hence the need for an extended time to think it over.

Sorry again but I'm just mad at him, at the situation, at being deprived the opportunity to widen my circle of friends [and all because he probably thinks I'm dying to be Mrs Smith. Well, I'm NOT that desperate]. Sorry for voicing out my anger here but I hope you understand what I mean. Don't give up on me, on helping me.

Love, Adek

Give My Love

Give My Love (English Version) - Edward Chun
* Track 1 of Save the Last Dance for Me OST

When I look in your eyes I can see that you
Want to be with me but you’re so scared
And I don’t know what to say or do
But the tears keep falling from your eyes
And I know that
Times won’t change my love
And I can’t do nothing to keep you

Oh, I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night…

As the hours pass away
You think that love ain’t here to stay
Feel a beat from your chest
But you don’t give doubt a moment’s rest
You dream the future and all you see is dark
Listen to your heart, baby, the truth will set sparks

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night…

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that time won’t change my love
Take my love all through the night…

I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love, through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night…

Thank God It's Friday Tomorrow

It has to be done.

No matter what.

No matter how unpleasant it is.

Such a painful chore, at least for me.

And I Finally did it.

And now it's done.

It feels good now.

And I wonder why I have always delayed it.

It just proves that procrastination is indeed the thief of time.

In case you're wondering, I'm referring to my income tax assessment. Yeah! [And no, it's not an early April Fool's joke]

No more staying in during an April Friday lunch to complete it.

My next few Fridays are free for Shopping...!!! I deserve it!

An Email to My Friend

Salam

Dearest Friend

Thanks for your thoughtfulness and help and thinking of me. I know you have the best intentions and always thinking of the best for your friends.

I have to admit that am myself a rather shy person - yes, I somehow manage to camouflage that with a girl-about-city approach to life. No, I'm not being pretentious but I do know some people actually think I'm a more social person that I actually am. If only they know the truth! And I can't really be bothered with correcting their misperception - let them think what they like 'cause really, people will still develop their own opinion abt you no matter what and if I try to correct their misperception, I may end up with a bigger mess. I can't even chat up a total stranger, let alone flirt! I have somehow managed not to master all these 'skills' that some girls are so gifted at. You know, the 1st time someone introduced me to H oh-so-many-years ago, I just gave him a brief nod and smile and tried to walk off 'cause I wasn't sure what to say. Now, that probably does sound and look a bit rude to any onlooker and the introducer actually called me back so I turned back to H and attempted some conversation. I tell you, I found it awkward. But I know most people would just dismiss it as another example of me being aloof, unapproachable and sombong/stuck-up. Yes, I have a few people telling me that I have a sombong face, but maybe I'm not that sombong after all if people can say that to my face!!! And being a bit blur and sometimes in a world of my own [present self is somewhere but my mind is miles away] don't help either 'cause these sometimes make me oblivious to other people; I've been known to share lifts with people and only realising someone I know is in that lift after we've reached ground floor! Yet another example that would make an onlooker quickly label me as sombong. Maybe that's why people don't really approach me - 'cause I don't look approachable, aloof and yes, sombong!

Having said all that, I have decided that I will not squander any opportunity directed my way to make new friends. And I will gratefully and graciously accept any help rendered to me. I've gone on one chaperoned blind date before, and that obviously didn't turn out well 'cause I was more comfortable chatting my friend's married-and-unavailable cousins than the unmarried-and-available guy [needless to say, there wasn't a repeat of that outing].

I just want to make new friends and it's ok if it's platonic. Heck, I'm in strictly platonic relationships with a few people and I'm really comfortable with that at the moment.

And you know, I don't think I'm anywhere remotely close to Aisyah [wife of Prophet Muhammad SAW] and I'd hate to think that he'll feel cheated when - and if - he discovers I'm hardly that... And I can understand how he feels at this stage of his relationship with that girl - for I had been in a relationship with another guy of a different faith too and it was all I could do to try make him see that Islam is the answer if not me but sadly I wasn't successful and neither our relationship - and I also would not want to be the girl for anyone on the rebound.

Love, Adek

~~~~~~~

Hmmm, it just struck me as I was typing the email that the probable reason why people don't approach me is because I look unapproachable, aloof and stuck-up... I suppose it's only human nature to jump to assumptions, draw conclusions and judge a book by its cover?

Ramblings of a Confused Mind

EvilGirl in the Korean drama tried to take her life. Now, most will think that was pretty stupid and cowardly of her, to commit suicide because her love was unrequited. But you know what, to a certain extent, I could relate to her. I totally understand her misery and her feeling of helplessness, of wondering if she is a failure, of wanting to fight for her man, of wondering if she's ever good enough and what it is that she lacks that the other girl possesses. But she shouldn't resort to such an extreme measure. And sooner or later, she has to let go. After all, if you love somebody, set them free. If they don't come back, they weren't yours to begin with.

Actually, I think those who commit suicide are actually quite brave in a way... for I could never do that, I could never hurt myself like that. How does it feel to be standing at the top of a building contemplating ending your life with a Jump? How do you decide when to Jump? And if you try taking your life by shooting yourself, well, how do you decide when to pull the trigger and where to point it to? And if you swallow a bottle of pills like EvilGirl did, how sure are you that it will work and that you will not end up not only still alive but with a damaged body? Actually, the thought did cross my mind briefly once when I was a more unstably crazy younger girl but I decided I pleasure myself, my Faith and God more than the idiot who let me down. I'm worth more than that and it's his loss, not mine. Besides, I'll never be brave enough to go ahead with it.

A friend, bless her thoughtful soul, is trying to fix me up with someone she knows. But if that doesn't work out, if he's not interested, it's still OK. I've been hurt before, I know only too well how it feels like. But hey, it's not as if I want to get married; I'm sure I don't want to, what with all the horror stories you hear only too often these days. And sometimes I'm not even sure if I can have a kid. I know I'm not ready for a serious commitment involving marriage & kids [will I ever?!]. And I'm still selfish enough at this point in time to just want to adopt should I want a kid 'cause I don't think I can put up with all the pain and having to wake up in the middle of the night to soothe the baby [but of course I may change my mind later]. I just want to make love without commitments and I wish people will let me be happy instead of trying to make me feel like I don't fit in just because I have yet to let go of my single status despite the pleasures. At the end of the day, It's My Life anyway!

I believe God knows what's best for everyone and I must have Faith and persevere [I know, I know, easier said than done. God knows how many times I blame Him, how many times I said I'm fed-up of having to be strong etc but at least I passed my exams and got my professional qualification and Master degree to show up for my disappointment - yes, my escapism from those who hurt me has been academia so far]. I keep telling myself that this is a minor setback. God sure moves in Mysterious Ways, we don't know what His grand plans are for now. Like me, maybe if I got married earlier, I may not last or sth and that's why it's taking so long to find the right guy for my pleasure. Or maybe I don't have guts, simple as that.

In the meantime, I just want to have fun, sit back and enjoy life, go travelling... [and yes, continue watching Korean dramas!] It's really ok if I don't get married - I've convinced myself that and am preparing myself for that. After all, it's not the end of the world and there is no guarantee that married life will be any less Complicated or that it will solve problems. I've learnt earlier on that things don't happen for/to me [or if they do, not as easily], like they do to other people. But hey, it's only life, I Gotta Get Through This.

In case you're wondering, I have forgiven [but not necessarily forgotten, that's harder to do somehow, unless I can undergo some medical procedures to erase some selected memories like in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind] the idiots and jerks in my life, simply because I don't want to be bitter and having grudges when I'm older. On another note, even MakJan [divorcees] have better luck than me at dating!

Thoughts on Life

The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger.

John F. Kennedy

Save the Last Dance for Me

I'm in crappy mood at the moment, for reasons unknown to myself. Reading Chicken Soup doesn't help any.

I'm currently following the Korean drama Save the Last Dance for Me, which I've only started watching from Monday evening as Astro was only fixed on Sunday. But it doesn't matter really 'cause with a little bit of googling, I could catch up on the story line and anyway, as most Korean dramas, the plot is more or less the same. They are a couple from very different backgrounds, the guy is always a rich heir to some conglomerate while the girl is from a poor, hardworking family; their paths cross somehow; they then fell for each other; there's a third [even a fourth at times!] party trying to break them off, usually some other girl as rich as the guy but still eyeing his fortune nevertheless and harbouring plans of being Mrs Rich; in addition to EvilGirl aka Mrs Rich hopeful, the guy's family will try to break the couple off and try to pay or blackmail the girl to leave the guy; they got separated...

But somehow like fairy tales, things still work out in the end and although I know it, I still watch it. Yes, I'm such a sucker for Korean dramas [and most romantic movies]! I've been in situations where I find it tough to decide whether to go for a meal with friends or staying in and watch the drama! Mummy used to be worried whenever I watch Chinese or Korean dramas. Well, I do have a thing for certain-looking Oriental guys. [Actually I used to fall for dark guys too... hmmm...]. But I draw the line there: I don't watch Hindi or Bollywood movies/dramas.

I think the heroine in Save Your Last Dance is so pretty and sweet, The Sweetest Thing that I've come across in the few Korean dramas I've watched thus far. The hero is handsome but I've seen more handsome heroes [I'm referring to Korean and Chinese actors as it goes without saying that most Caucasian heroes are handsome] but as a couple, they suit each other to a tee, well at least to me. And they are so romantic... *sigh* Watching them gives me such a wonderful, feel-good feeling that should help dampen my crappy mood but somehow it doesn't really 'cause I also feel envious and wish I'm in a similar relationship with someone at the moment too.

And I hope that Someday, someone will sing to me:

Cause don't forget who's takin' you home

And in whose arms you're gonna be

So darlin', save the last dance for me

My Resolve

I've had people telling me how Lucky and blessed I am.

To be honest, I don't feel all that Lucky at times.

And they say...
She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothin' missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night?

I know I Will Survive this life somehow insyaAllah. I know my glass is half full; it's not full as I've sipped and spilt some.

I will not be beaten and I will fight but I am allowed to be tired. Even people who win get tired after all their efforts. And I am tired of having to do things on my own. Tired of being alone [but not lonely. At the risk of sounding risque, I like my own company]. Tired of being hurt.

I've got a lot to do still before I meet my Maker and I plan to do as much as I can, go to as many places and expirement with life, but if I need to cry, I will do so and that's OK too. Because You'll See as Madonna aptly sings it:

~~~~~~~
You think that I can't live without your love
You'll see
You think I can't go on another day.
You think I have nothing
Without you by my side
You'll see
Somehow, some way

You think that I can never laugh again
You'll see
You think that you destroyed my faith in love.
You think after all you've done
I'll never find my way back home,
You'll see
Somehow, someday

All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive
All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see

You think that you are strong, but you are weak
You'll see
It takes more strength to cry, admit defeat
I have truth on my side,
You only have deceit
You'll see, somehow, someday

All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive,
I'll stand on my own
I won't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see

You'll see, you'll see
You'll see, mmmm, mmmm
~~~~~~~

I will work at being Stronger...

Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I am stronger

I will Cherish life more. Yes, for as I write this, it strikes me that I am indeed Lucky and blessed with my family and friends who love and care for me [although there are those who don't keep their promises] and are more than willing to help me out, and I will accept help graciously. I am also blessed with good health, rezeki and iman. And I Thank You, Thank You, God.

God, please give me the strength.

Thoughts for the Year

The greatest handicap: Fear
The best day: Today
Easiest thing to do: Find a fault
Most useless asset: Pride
The greatest mistake: Giving up
Greatest stumbling block: Egotism
The greatest comfort: Work well done
Most disagreeable person: The complainer
Worst bankruptcy: Loss of enthusiasm
Greatest need: Common sense
Meanest feeling: Regret at another's success
Best gift: Forgiveness
The greatest moment: Death
Greatest knowledge: God
The greatest thing in the world: Love

Source Unknown

Sunday Bloody Sunday

The weekend was spoilt early Saturday morning itself by a phonecall from a lady from TheOrganisation saying that I must be on standby [i.e. be prepared to go to the office during the weekend]. Now you know why I dislike taking calls at times. How she got hold of my number, I haven't the foggiest idea, but whoever gave it to her is next on my 'To Kill' list. Really, the last time I had to do this kind of stupid job was ages ago and I couldn't believe that I still have to do it now. And all because my staff to whom I had entrusted the reponsibility had conveniently caught a bus back to his hometown after work on Friday. I would have thought that since it's still outstanding, he'd at least have the sense to delay his trip back. Needless to say, the phone call left me feeling very angry, mad and outraged at the bugger. What the blazes!

The lady called later on Saturday afternoon, while I was catching my precious forty winks, asking me if I could kindly come to the office on Sunday morning. A nasty wake up call indeed. It's times like these when I wish I don't have any mobile phone. Convenience indeed! More like an inconvenience.

I was still seething when I left home for office on Sunday morning. To top my ire, my irresponsible staff didn't print some pages as he promised on Friday. Sunday Bloody Sunday indeed - admittedly nowhere as bloodily gory as U2 sings it [but could've been had I managed to murder some people] but still bloody annoying and irritating. As we ran out of some papers with a certain letterhead, I had to run down to the printer, nicked some, went up to the office again and resumed printing. Talk about a real dog's breakfast huh. I must have burnt thousands of calories in those hours.

Paid off my credit card after that and went to KLCC for a short therapy fix. Found that I had no mood to shop what with the school hols crowd and the seething anger I still felt. No amount of therapy could fix that.

Told the staff off this morning. Even then, he can't exactly undo my wasted weekend now, can he? And all the while, he was having fun with his family. And what about me? Why should my weekend be spoilt just because he lacks the foresight? Two weeks in a row I had been let down by males, leaving a very nasty taste in my mouth and making me wonder why I should even bother with them.

Manic Monday [and the days leading to it]

I wasn't feeling on top of the world towards the end of last week. For one, I was too swamped with work, running and spinning around in circles without direction at times, attending to mainly unnecessary stuff. Ugh. And for another, someone upset my apple-cart which was planned well in advance. I was feeling very displeased at this - and no explanation given too - and told the person as much. The thing is my next few weekends [and previous ones too] are already full with plans so I'm not sure when I can finally execute the thing I wanted to do last Saturday ... yes, even single girls like me are busy [what's it like to have my own family, I wonder?].

Been there, done that, and things to do over the next few weekends:
Feb 18/19: Booked ticket during the MAS travel fair; attended Health Awareness Forum [and got ill the rest of the weekend].
Feb 25/26: Moved to current residence.
Mar 4/5: [Ori plan shelved but had backup plan] housework and some gardening if you can call pulling out weeds that]. Ironing too. Bangsar Shopping Centre later on Saturday and Ikea/Tesco on Sunday for some retail therapy and practical shopping. Gosh, I'm not an agoraphobic but I would have thought with one week left to school hols, there'd be some exam coming up and you'd think the kids would be at home studying instead of running up and down Ikea! But I bet it'll be worse during school hols.
Mar 11/12: Going back to parents'. Hope to get a haircut.
Mar 18/19: MATTA fair!
Mar 25/26: Expecting delivery of my TV rack [and you wonder why I'm so broke]. May attend a friend's son's birthday party in Wangsa Maju. Must get some retail therapy after that excitement.
Apr 1/2: May go back to parent's since neighbour's son's getting married.
Apr 8/9: Cousin sister's nikah and wedding-do.
Apr 15/16: Take parents and sister's family out for lunch cos Mummy's birthday is on Apr 10. But is that the Easter weekend too? If so, must reschedule to the following weekend, Apr 22/23.
Apr 28: Flying off to ...

So now you know why I was so cheesed off when the plan for Saturday didn't materialise. I was even contemplating asking Jerk for help - someone said, why not, while another advised me against it.

Jenny's text inviting me out for lunch on Friday 'at a nice place at The Ascott' was a welcome. Turned out the nice place is the newly opened sevenatenin9, [you think the name is strange? Wait til you see the decor!]. Opened in January 2006, I was told that it is owned and operated from the owners of Souled Out [for pictures, click here] and apparently have KL's who's who as guests. The decor is a mix of avant-garde bar stools that had me wondering if they have some ergonomic benefits and normal sofa-type chairs [but in white!], the flooring is made of some railway sleepers, the plywood columns had been scratched with nails [er to give some aesthetic effect perhaps? Although they didn't appear either aesthetic or practical to me. Maybe I just don't appreciate this stuff] and a glass roof to protect from the elements. It's supposed to be posh and happening venue for dining and entertainment but I think they may have tried too hard with the decor [then again, maybe I'm alone in this thinking and observation]. I especially dislike the sculptural elements at the stairs. Very unbecoming!

There are separate menus for 'Solids' and 'Liquids' [if my memory serves me right]. We ordered some 'nibbles' [coated olives and calamari - could be better had they not been overdrenched in oil], some mini pizza [quite good] and some juice. I had a tom yam fettucini with strict instructions that it must not be hot for I can't stand hot stuff [I even had the chef or someone fr the kitchen coming up to me and asking if I could tolerate a little spiciness for it is tom yam after all. How's that for personalised service? I felt good then]. Anyway, not to worry cause it turned out to be quite good. A good time was had by all although I was getting worried as time passed on. Finally back in office, quite late too! Oh and there was a demo protesting the oil price hike in front of KLCC so that was actually a good excuse for our late return.

Despite the lovely lunch outing, I felt strangely sad later that night and went to bed with tears on my pillow. It's times like these when I really wish I have someone to snuggle up to, to comfort me and tell me everything's gonna be alright.

Ahhh and now...

~~~~~~~~~~
It's just another Manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday
'Cause that's my funday
My I don't have to run day
It's just another manic Monday
~~~~~~~~~~