Nothing Lasts Forever, Even Cold November Rain

The past few weekends had been back-breaking tiring and it looks like things will continue to be challenging in the next few weeks as we make adjustments and try to deal with our bereavement and grief. I’m not ashamed to admit that I still cry everyday. Sometimes I don’t know what I cry for. I know Mummy left in a good way: she went peacefully and didn’t suffer much, just the kind of death she wished for. So I didn’t cry over the way she left but I guess I cry more because of the suddenness of her departure, the deep loss I feel and the lost feeling I have at times. I don’t think I’m being selfish for wanting her to stay but of course I know she can’t stay forever. After all, nothing lasts forever... even cold November rain.

Everyone commented on how strong Abah has been, especially since he just mourned over the passing of my brother in April. What I mean is that Abah may no longer be strong physically but he is strong mentally and spiritually and he’s a pious man who believes that things happen because they are pre-destined to happen. And nothing we can do will stop God’s will. No amount of tears will bring Mummy back and even though I know this, it doesn’t stop me from crying, mourning and grieving.

Life will never go back to how we knew it but we have to accept it and move on. Akak and I have been busying ourselves clearing some of Mummy’s stuff. I’m taller than Mummy and hence while I can fit into her clothes, the sleeves are too short and the sarong too loose for me. So we’re giving some of her clothes away and still storing some others. Sometimes I think it’s too soon to clear Mummy’s stuff but it has to be done sooner or later and I’d rather do that and pre-occupy myself by being busy than to dwell on the pain. We have cleared the kitchen cabinets and drawers and some of her clothes. We still have a cupboard or two left to tackle and her handbags too. She also has a collection of crocheted items and a vast collection of bed- and table-linen and crockery.

I also now have a deep admiration for those maidless working mothers. How do they juggle their family and office lives, tending to the demands of family and work and stay sane? I’m trying to keep two houses in order and do other household chores (like ironing) for Abah too now and while it’s still early days, I’m not sure if I can cope.

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When I sit down and clear away Mummy’s stuff, sometimes I’m struck with the thinking that I don’t want to buy anything anymore ever again because you leave them all behind anyway when you die (I had this thought too when I came back from Haj). But that’s being silly because those alive have to go on living and consuming so why deny yourself life’s pleasures while you’re alive? Mummy always told me to spend on myself and not to insult myself by settling for fake goods and I shall continue to observe her advice. Live while you’re still alive. Indulge yourself while you’re still alive. You deserve it and it doesn’t make you a snob. After all, you don’t know when you will suddenly stop being able to enjoy life. Nothing lasts forever, especially life.

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I had made plans to travel over the long weekend and spent a lot of time and thought pondering where to go. Finally, I bought train tickets to travel up north and across the border. I have had to re-think and cancel my plan when Mummy left but as divine intervention would have it, it started flooding in the northern states in the middle of last week and on Thursday morning, I heard train services were cancelled. Well, at least I could get a 100% refund from KTMB.

I still want to travel but it looks like November will be a stay-at-home month for me. I’m reluctant to leave Abah alone. Not that I think he can’t take it for he’s much stronger than me mentally and spiritually but because I don’t think it’s right for me to start travelling yet. I still want to travel of course and would now have to make arrangements so that he won’t be left alone for long periods of time (again, it’s not because I don’t think he cannot survive alone; it’s just that he and Mummy were married for such a long time that her absence would surely have some effect on him). Knowing Abah, he’d insist everything is alright.

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I have hoped that football (or Arsenal) will cheer me up but the run of wins seems to have come to a halt now that it’s November, traditionally a difficult month for Arsenal. The performance last night was dismal, and Cesc and Chamakh were a shadow of their usual selves. It doesn’t help that we have eight matches in this cold month. Still, I hope that the back-to-back defeats will not last. After all, nothing lasts forever, right.

Come on Arsenal, cheer me up. Don’t you dare depress or distress me more than you already have.