Jilt Jolt

The daughter of my Ampang neighbour was recently engaged, thanks to a matchmaking arrangement initiated by some relatives. Mummy told me the wedding has been set to a date in December so it was to some surprise when I learnt at the weekend before last that the wedding has been called off, cancelled altogether, because the daughter has refused to marry the chap. I raised an eyebrow when I heard this and listened on.

My neighbour is not taking it well at all. She flew into a rage and scolded her daughter (let’s call her A) for refusing to marry ‘a good man’. A told the mother she didn’t want to marry but she refused to listen to A, continued to rant and even went as far as packing A’s clothes into dustbin bags. The mother also took her anger out on her poor husband and her son and all because they empathised with A. The thing is, the ‘jilted’ fiancé took it well, even asking A to keep the engagement ring when she wanted to return it back.

I told Mummy my thoughts: that it’s better she ended it now before things have progressed further; that she has the right to her own choice and her family should respect it; that she has the right to make a mistake if it is indeed one and her parents should trust her enough to let her make that mistake and learn from it; and that in the end, it’s her life and she should not let anyone live her life for her.

Single girls are always accused of being selfish or choosy. Similarly, a girl who has second thoughts about having children is considered selfish and inconsiderate. But why? What is the crime about being single? What is wrong about being selfish once in a while and with being choosy (I spent close to thirty minutes trying to choose a pair of footwear, imagine how much longer I need to spend choosing a partner)? What is wrong about being afraid/unsure or uncertain about having children? Because there are people who get married and have children for the wrong reasons, people who have their own selfish agenda for being married or having children (as blackmail to hold on to the spouse’s love, for instance), and people who want to live their dreams through their children and surely, surely, they are as selfish as, if not more than, the single girls they accuse of being selfish? To me, it’s better to call off a relationship, an engagement, even a marriage if you think it’s no longer working or if you have doubts. Because it’s wrong and unfair to both parties to continue staying in such a relationship. Because staying in such a relationship may no longer be in your best interest. Because staying in a marriage for the sake of the children is wrong, because it’s unfair to the children to be raised in a household where the parents no longer love or care for each other. Why put everyone in misery just so that people don’t look at you disapprovingly?

I’m so thankful that my parents have never ever forced me to settle down, never pushed me to set a date, or pressured me with hints. I’m glad that for this matter, they respect my decision (or non-decision), trust me to do what I want, and allow me to follow my heart and mind. Although I’m sure they have nosy parkers asking them about it, I’m glad they don’t assume the liberty of trying to match-make me with someone and that they don’t set some deadline for me to settle down.

Because I’m not sure myself if marriage is what I want anymore. Unless it’s with Cesc. Heh.