Pain In My Heart

I visited Big Brother along with Akak and family two weeks ago. I must say, for someone battling the C-disease, he didn’t look too bad – from the outward, that is. He had a fall three weeks back and has since suffered some muscle cramps, which means he can no longer sit. He can still walk but with the aid of a cane and/or crutches.

Even my brother-in-law remarked how strong he looked in facing up to his disease. I’m glad Big Brother has not given up on life; he still looked determined to keep himself healthy, yes, against all odds. God knows how I’d react if I were in his shoes. I’d like to think I have a fighting spirit too, that I won’t give up because I don’t want to die regretting and wondering if I have fought enough, but then again, anything can happen when one is ill. One can become either stronger or the opposite in the face of obstacles. God forbid that I give up too easily.

Funny, I was just wondering before my visit how my brother is coping with his disease. C-disease destroys one’s cells and eats one from the inside so if you look at someone suffering from it without knowing he’s a victim, you may not know he’s a sufferer unless you look closely – the shrunken body and face, the thinner waistline, the receding hair (if the sufferer opts for chemotherapy), the tell-tale scars of post-surgeries (if any), etc. I can’t imagine how much pain my brother is suffering (and I will be honest here and say I’m not sure I can try to imagine it because I have very, very low pain tolerance) because from the outside, he still looks the same (except for the fact he is now lying down most of the time instead of sitting or standing up or walking around). You see, his pride and ego is such that he would not let us see his pain or even begin to guess it. He wants to spare his family from suffering his pain and is so far doing a good job at it although I could see – and agreed by my brother-in-law – that the mask he’s adopted is beginning to crack slowly as the pain intensifies by day.

My distant cousin whom we met in November after so long shared that her late dad also suffered from lung cancer. The doctors actually predicted he had less than three months to live but he ended up living a further three years. But she said his insides were already decaying or destroyed by the cancer cells. Ever since that meeting in November, I keep remembering this part of our conversation and wondering about my brother. What does he feel?

And now, with my own injuries and wounds, I’m having a molecule of understanding of how it must be like for my brother. Oh sure my injuries and wounds will heal in time, God willing, and what pain I’m feeling is nothing compared to what he is facing. And I’m not a drama queen enough to think that my pain is more acute than his. That would be belittling his pain and suffering. All I’m saying is that I’m getting a glimpse to what pain is and whereas I can hope I’ll be back to my old self in a few weeks, it’s not the same for my brother is it.

I know it’s irrational of me to say this but there are times when I get mad, angry and frustrated with my brother. For bringing this disease onto himself, for not listening to reason, for refusing to stop smoking all those years ago, for being stubborn with his nicotine addiction, for burning his money away just like that (and what did he get in return for this ‘investment’?), for not heeding well-intentioned advices, for not being strong enough to quit earlier, just to name a few. I think he knows and realises it too now.

I wonder how I’ll cope with dying and death. I don’t want to and I’m sure no one wants to either but unfortunately it’s inevitable. It pains me to think of my brother but it pains me even more to see how his children are dealing with his illness because it looks like they don’t really care what happens to their father. And that hurts me even more than the pain of my own little bruises and wounds.

And this indifference makes me wonder if anyone will take care of me when I’m ill and mourn my death when my turn comes.

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And it looks like my querido will be out for much longer (I hope he’ll be back by mid-January and not at the end). What a blow. This is painful. Dang. Congested fixtures are coming up soon too with five matches (one FA Cup, four Premier League with three of them back-to-back against the ManUre, Chelshit and Liverpool, yes, in that order) in like 17 days... starting from 24 January 2010 *gulp*.