Being

I thought hard about my situation last Saturday and resolved that enough is enough for me, that I should stop moaning about my marital status, about catching that elusive Mr Right, about thinking that marriage will definitely happen for me. Because I've been holding on to this false hope for the better part of my life now, silly me, and it's taken this long to realise that maybe I'll always be the wrong girl at the wrong place at the wrong time and that's all I'll ever be. And hence, I should just stop hoping and instead devote my life to a better cause. Because love doesn't last forever, because marriage is not the cure-all, there is no such thing as everlasting marital bliss in this fast-paced life anymore 'cause people fall in and out of love all the time and infidelity is now the norm.

I have decided that I don't want to give a care anymore for the male population and I couldn't be bothered anymore. I'm just exhausted and fed-up and bored. I think I've tried my best but it's not bearing fruit and I should just move on. With or without guys. And maybe I am better off without a man. God knows what's best for me and if it's best for me to be alone, well, I'll have to accept it and reda.

From now on, I'm going to move on with my life. 'Cause It's My Life, not anyone else's. And I want to do so many things before I die like travelling. There's so much of the world still to see, experience and discover and I want to try do as many of that as I can, God willing.

Having said all that, if I suddenly find someone later somehow although I very much doubt so, then maybe it's Finally my time. For the moment and the foreseeable future though, the above is true. I'm swearing off men. I don't want to have anything to do with any guy. I don't want to know any new guy. I don't care. I'm sick and tired of waiting and hurting and hoping. Enough is enough is enough. I have my life to live and I'm going to do exactly that. Yes, that's my sole aim now. No more mixed priorities. No more moaning [about marital status only. I shall still moan about every other thing!]. No more.

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There's this one elderly lady who lives near my parents', she must be in her late 60s or early 70s. She's never been married and lives by herself in a relative's house (on ehsan, bless the relative). She used to babysit the neighbours' children for income. Now she receives zakat once a year and I think (and hope) some monthly allowance from JKM. But I don't suppose it's enough for her to buy good quality food, or afford an annual visit to the doctor [let alone the occasional one] or what not 'cause she is now so bent, I think she's suffering fr osteoporosis. I Always think she's just brave to go through life alone with so little. And in KL too, where everything is just so blinking expensive not just for a single old lady but for most people [I know non-KL folks always have the impression that all KLites are well off but it's not true. There are poor people in KL living in cramped flats and they have to somehow survive on so little. And like most other people, they have to send their children to school too and in KL, that means lots of dosh involved from the school bus to school fees etc etc].

Mummy said the old lady was ill early last year [when I was in the Holy Land performing my Haj. I did think about her when I was there and prayed for her too], so ill she could not leave her house. She used to walk alone to the night market for her groceries, and occasionally she braved the dark night to go to surau Alone. And able-bodied me hardly go to surau too. Yes, I feel ashamed whenever I think about that.

I paid her a visit one fine afternoon last year, and brought along some vitamins/minerals/food supplements. She was at first suspicious of me: why did I come to visit? What was the purpose of my visit? Why did I bring her the supplements? To be honest, I don't really blame her. Perhaps she's just being wary and exercising caution. Somehow I don't think a girl comes to visit her on a regular basis. After a while, she warmed up to me, even offering tea but I declined for I couldn't bear to trouble her. I was glad to see that she did eat and not starve herself [sometimes elderly people lose their appetite]. She confided that she had fallen a few times before. She talked and talked and I just listened for I understood that it's not every day that someone pays her a visit and give her company and lend an ear to her life happenings. And as I listened, I couldn't stop my tears from falling. I felt for her. And I have some idea of what she's going through. She loves plants and gardens quite a bit. The plants were thriving well, never mind that they were only planted in rusting tin cans. She's amazing, she's blessed with green fingers. She has some cats to keep her company [and somehow I'm sure they don't do their business as they wish. Well, at least I really hope they don't trouble her unnecessarily] and occasionally some Indonesian lady who lives nearby would pop in for a visit and make sure she's ok.

I find myself thinking of her every now and then. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm Alone too, just like her. And when I think of her, I wonder if I can do the same thing, going through life Alone. But she's survived so far, hasn't she somehow? She's a real brave lady. And while I wonder about how I could make it Alone in life later, at the same time, I have this fear of commitments. And I'm not sure if I want to have kids anymore and raise them in this world that's becoming less safe each day. Even if all I wanted once was to have my own pair of children. But the later I get married [if ever] and have a child, the riskier it is, not just to me, but to the child too. So, no, it wouldn't be wise and advisable to have children late in life especially for a first-time mother; in fact it may even be selfish. I admire this old lady, she never married, never had children but could take care of children. I can't say the same for myself. I even get impatient with my nieces/nephews!

Yes, I'll have to somehow manage living Alone later. But this lady has done so, so far, hasn't she? And she has managed so far, hasn't she? And with no fixed income too.

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There may be hope left in this world. Check this out. Amazing! How does she do it?

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Oh, growing up sucks. Being an adult simply sucks. And somehow I suspect even married people feel the same.