When Love Means Nothing

 

It seems that we suddenly find ourselves in the end of February (wherever did the time go?!). February, the month of love and romance, and at least for this year, also the month for the Australian Open.

 

Love means nothing? Well, yes, in tennis at least. One theory is that the tennis term is derived from the French word l’oeuf where oeuf means egg. Apparently, when the game was imported into France from England, the French used the word l’oeuf to mean ‘zero’, due to the resemblance of an egg to the written figure 0 - indeed, even in Malay, if you have nothing, a score of zero, the joke is you have an egg. At least two of the Treasure Hunts I’d been on had this in the questions.

Speaking of love, I can't quite get over my love (lust?) for bags. And this love does mean something.

The Year That Was: 2020

 

We all know how challenging 2020 was so I don’t really want to talk too much about it. What started off as a promising year turned out to be such an anomaly, an outlier, it completed changed our lives. I just hope everyone has learnt not to put too much hope or expect too much from 2021 because the road to recovery seems still a far distance away. If I had thought 2019 was bad, well, 2020 sure surpassed it.

 

But I learnt to be even more grateful of what I have and while yes I still have my own issues and problems, some of them pale in comparison to what some others face (of course I have always known and noticed this and not only just realised it. I’m not that self-absorbed!). I was in awe at the hard work by some selfless individuals (Ustaz Ebit Liew, Uncle Kentang, just to name a couple of them) and I found myself shopping less and contributing more to causes. I tried to eat more healthily (yes, I still have my craving for junk food) and managed to reduce my cholesterol level down, I managed to maintain my weight and I made sure I continued to attend physiotherapy sessions to treat my scoliosis. My therapist had told me that I should not be jogging, running, jumping or skipping so I have to do a lot more walking now (a bit difficult when there was a strict restriction of movement for three months). I still can’t really be bothered to learn how to cook as I dislike spending and don’t want to stand too long in the kitchen. Despite the pandemic, I have yet to place any food order via Food Panda Grab Food, believe it or not. And I still prefer going and doing my physical shopping for groceries and browsing the pharmacies. Nothing beats interacting with the pharmacists in deciding the best supplements to buy.

 

I somehow managed to squeeze in trips right before the MCO and after it was relaxed (before the needless Sabah election following which we see runway number of daily cases), Alhamdulillah:

 

January: Flew to Surat Thani on the eve of Chinese New Year

February: Flew to Tanjung Pandan at month-end

March: Came back from Tanjung Pandan

April: Was supposed to go on a short trip to Kota Bharu

May: Was supposed to fly to a new country

June: Didn’t manage any trip

July: Went to Georgetown, Penang, Kuala Kangsar and Lenggong, and Port Dickson/Melaka

August: Overnight trip to Kuala Lipis

September: Spent a weekend at Tanjong Jara Resort with my niece

October - December: Did not travel

 

I even managed two trips to Genting Highlands Premium Outlets during the year!

 

Arsenal continued to both frustrate and delight me as I suppose they will continue to be. I actually found myself watching more tennis last year compared to football. Yes, Arsenal gave me so much pain at times.

 

I managed to read 152 books in 2020 despite the heavier workload and I hope to keep my annual target of 150 this year, insyaAllah.

 

Felice Anno Nuovo and happy new decade (and no, contrary to what many think, 2020 was not the start of a new decade). Andrà tutto bene, insyaAllah.

Waiting To Exhale

 

Well, I guess it’s inevitable not to talk about the year, or rather, the past nine months. 2020 has undoubtedly been a very challenging year in all sense of the word. It’s been a testing, trying, tiring year for everyone. It’s been a year of trials and tribulations. I don’t think anyone escaped unscathed, I don’t think anyone was spared or unaffected in some way. And while it’s all too easy to just focus on the negatives, let’s instead look at the positives that we can draw from our experiences these past few months. Yes, this may be one of the hardest years for us, but it is also the greatest in terms of helping us learn how to:

- Be humble

- Be kind. Act, talk and think kindly. In fact, be overly kind

- Be mindful

- Be patient

- Empathise with others

- Eliminate toxic people 

- Find who our real friends are 

- Take care of our health

- Manage our effort, money and time wisely

- Focus on the things that matter.

 

I hope you haven’t been putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to learn a new skill, lose weight, run a half-marathon or become a ‘better’ person. Just getting through this shit is more than enough. Remove the junk from your mental diet by limiting time on social media, limiting time watching news and instead investing that time into things that make you feel good. Prioritise your mental health. If taking care of yourself means being a little more selfish, taking a mental health day or even letting someone down, then please let someone down. Your self-love must always be stronger than your desire to be loved by others. Set clear boundaries in work, life and your relationships. The most important form of self-care you can practise is unapologetically protecting your boundaries. Contrast your life in the right direction. If you focus on the life you’ve lost, you’ll soon find misery. If you focus on the life you have, you’ll soon find happiness. Remember that all of life’s seasons are temporary. Your brightest moments are temporary so enjoy them while the sun is shining. Your darkest moments are also temporary, so never give up when it’s raining. Remember, this too shall pass.

So even if you haven’t learnt a new skill, mastered a new language or achieved your resolutions and goals, if you have even managed to implement some of what I mentioned in the preceding paragraph, then 2020 won’t be in vain and won’t be for nothing. If we can find something to learn even in adversity and challenging times, it’s not all lost, is it? The truth is that bad experiences and bad people often teach us more than good times and good people. The most toxic unpleasant people in our lives end up making us kinder, wiser and more empathetic. The hardest times make us stronger, smarter and better prepared for tomorrow.

You should be proud of everything you’ve had to overcome this year. The pain, loss, self-doubt, fights, mental health struggles, and many sleepless nights where you didn’t know if you could make it. You’ve made it here. And you will make it through. Keep going. Be proud of yourself! And guess what? 2021 might even be harder so brace yourselves. Hey, we made it through 2020 (almost). InsyaAllah we’ll make it. Be patient. Persevere. Pray to God.

Things That Go Bump In The Night

 

My dad has been warded for the past week due to endophthalmitis. I would visit him on most evenings after work and then my sister would give me a ride back home.

 

We came home last Wednesday evening to find a door of one of our two gates opened and swung out (we usually swing the doors in). It had rained earlier so I was inclined to think the wind accompanying the wind must’ve been strong enough to swing the door open. I mean, a burglar wouldn’t be so stupid as to leave the gate opened, would he. Nevertheless, my brother-in-law went to check the garden.

 

After they left, I started hearing noises. I can’t tell you if those noises were the usual noises that I hear (was pretty sure they came from outside the house) so I took to peering out of the window on the lookout for any prowlers.

 

I fell asleep while doing my exercise (I was just too knackered) and woke up after midnight to go to bed. Barely an hour later, I heard what sounded like my bedroom banging loudly and it woke me up. I opened my eyes and looked at the door. It didn’t look like anyone was on the other side of the door and trying to enter the room. After a while, I got up and went to check. Everything was still. It wasn’t raining and there was no wind that usually accompanies rain to bang the door. So what was it that I heard then? Was I dreaming so vividly or was I hallucinating (somehow in my dreams)? Or was I just spooked from the opened gate door that it disturbed my dream?

 

Then on Friday night (or Saturday early morning), I dreamt and then felt a heavy presence in the room which proceeded to descend upon the bed next to me. I somehow sensed this presence reaching out towards me and I could feel the heaviness of it all slowly weighing down. I woke up and loudly recited ayat Qursi. After a while, I declared syahadah and then even called out the azan. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel spooked or scared, my heart wasn’t pounding crazily, I didn’t feel any cold sweat or goose-bumps or like anyone walking over my bed. I didn’t shiver, didn’t feel like wetting myself or releasing my bladder as I would’ve expected (not that I wanted to!) of course. I did have that images of those horror movies where you see casts being pulled and dragged by evil spirits or ghosts or whatever. Somehow though, I was unusually calm and had this thought that Allah is with me and He would protect me so that thing had better not mess with me. It did take me some time to fall asleep again though and I never looked at the other side of the bed.

 

My sister suggested I play ayat Ruqyah and I’ve been doing that since the weekend. I woke up at 03:20 yesterday morning for no reason and had problems sleeping again. I probably managed a brief kip and dreamt a burglar was in the house and in the bathroom. I remember calling out ‘HELP’ and then imprisoning the burglar in the bathroom and in my dream even wondered what I would do next. OK, maybe squirt some shampoo into his eyes when I summoned up the courage to open the bathroom?

 

I still hear the occasional noises, but I don’t know if they’re creaks from an almost 52-year old house or wild animals on the roof. Anyway, like I said, Allah is with us and He will protect us if we turn to Him, insyaAllah. I do need to play my part too in defending myself.

Mindfulness

I attended a webinar on Mindfulness last month (October being a Mental Health month) and would like to share here what I gained from the short session (I had attended one similar programme before). The session was conducted by Ms Evelyn Soong, a Clinical Psychologist.

 

She started off by sharing that we can become our own therapist by:

1. Knowing how our body works - physiological and psychological changes

2. Understanding mindfulness

3. Applying S.T.O.P. strategy

 

Flight-Fight-Freeze (FFF) Response is a self-protection and survival mechanism.

 

Physiological

When FFF is activated, breathing starts to slow down, heart rate and blood pressure increase. Blood flows to major muscle groups and sensory becomes sharper. Mouth goes dry, and you may start to sweat or have tremors.

 

Psychological

Negative thoughts, tunnel vision, anxious and scared, hypersensitive, restless.

 

Effects of Chronic Stress

Physical: increased risks of:

1. Gastrointestinal problems e.g. loss of appetite

2. Cardiovascular diseases because the heart beats faster than normal

3. Skin problems e.g. acne, pimples

4. Reproductive problems - difficulty conceiving, premature ejaculation

 

Psychological

Possible effects:

1. Cognitive: can’t concentrate, memory problems

2. Emotional: irritable, moody, lonely, unhappy

3. Behaviour: affects eating and sleeping habits, withdraw from others

 

Mindfulness: awareness that arises from paying attention on purpose in the present moment and non-judgementally. Being aware of what you’re feeling, of your surroundings and what is happening, for example stopping back at a zebra crossing and looking at traffic and watching others non-judgementally. Being mindful means being fully present for the moment, paying attention to self, sensations, thoughts, what you see around you, and not overly reacting to the situation.

 

How being mindful is beneficial:

1. Reduced activation of amygdala

2. Changes in brain reaction, better emotional regulation, reduced anxiety and aggression

 

Mindfulness helps calms one down, improves concentration, reduces rumination, improves communication in relationships, enhances body immunity

 

S.T.O.P. strategy

Stop what you’re doing and putting things down for a while

Taking deep breaths, you can also extend it to a few minutes

Observe your experience, bodily sensations, thoughts, feelings, senses

Proceed to what you were doing earlier or something that makes you feel supported.

 

I hope you will gain some benefits from the above and start applying the techniques.

Humbling

What a year it has been so far, eh. It’s sometimes difficult to reconcile what started out as a promising new year to the current, almost desperate situation. It seemed that life has thrown us all a curveball when we least expected it and the thing is, just when we thought that the situation was beginning to improve, the cases spiked again. And again. And again. What was a period of no death spell is now a period of almost daily deaths. It’s not just Malaysia but a lot of other countries are also experiencing their second, even third, wave and have also reinstated lockdowns and travel restrictions.

 

I for one find this experience humbling. I find it humbling that this invisible menace has the ‘power’ and ability to affect and change so many lives throughout the world. We, the intelligent beings, have yet to come up with a vaccine to fight it successfully. We have not managed to arrest, curb and halt its spread - what we managed earlier was a temporary respite (number of cases has been increasing since end of September) - and the twice-extended conditional movement control order has so far not been successful. We are presently, in short, at its mercy. When I think about it, I wonder why people have to be arrogant and smug, condescending, dismissive and patronising to others when we are all equally vulnerable to the threat and risk of being COVID-19 positive or, worse, casualty. Don't they know that Nimrood die from a mosquito? Do they not remember how the army of Abraha was defeated by a flock of Ababeel birds? And this modern day virus has now claimed hundreds of thousands of lives. So why do some people act like they're invincible and untouchable?

 

If anything, this pandemic helps to remind me of the five before five (youth before old age, health before sickness, wealth before poverty, free time before preoccupation, and life before death).

Gotta Get Thru This

It’s been months since I last saw you. It’s been months since those blissful days. And it’s been months now that I have stopped taking things for granted.

It certainly has been a long time since I last saw you, my mask-less days. My travel days. Those halcyon days that I took for granted where I can walk without having to carry hand sanitiser, where I can go anywhere without having to bring my own prayer attire and prayer mat, where I can go anywhere without having to scan QR code, having my temperature taken, writing down details, etc. And yes, before you say it, I know that it’s not just me who has to go through all these. Everyone does.

 

And, just when we think things can’t get any worse, they do. Just as we’re adjusting reluctantly to the new abnormal and thought the curve has flattened, new cases surged back. Just as we start embracing the idea of getting to know Malaysia all over again and planning trips, we are now subjected to conditional MCO which prohibits even inter-district travel (and just yesterday morning I was pondering where to go this weekend!).

 

I’m really cursing those covidiots who helped aggravate the situation further, the double standard and the weak leadership. Some people were quick to criticise Selangor for the water cut a month ago (conveniently forgetting that Kelantan has yet to solve its decades-long water problem!) but fail to question the weak leadership and the double standards. Fie on you.

 

Well, we somehow managed to get through the long MCO previously. We’ll get through this again, insyaAllah. We are tough, determined, courageous, spirited and strong together and we will take care of each other (because you can't expect the government to do that for you). We won’t let COVID-19 get the better of us and rule our lives, we won’t let it batter our self-resilience and knock us down. We may stumble and fall but we will pick ourselves up again, keep calm and carry on as best as we can. And we shall overcome it, with God’s grace and will, ameen.

 

Stay healthy, safe and strong, everyone.