Tears On My Pillow

The past few nights, I went to bed crying. Yes, silly me was crying over the departure of Cesc. To be honest, I was surprised myself with my reaction. I didn’t expect it to affect me so much. But truth be told, I only really started following Arsenal when the Invincibles dominated the league. And Cesc’s emergence followed shortly after so it wasn’t hard for me to notice him especially after his continued brilliant performance. So much so, quite often I looked out for him first when I watched a match, or concentrated solely on him throughout the match. I’d smile and mutter querido to myself when I sighted him on the pitch. Most of the time, he didn’t disappoint with his performance.

I hate it that he left too soon. I hate it that he left without guiding us to victory, without ever lifting a trophy (if so, I feel he should have stuck around longer). Like Siân put it, I hate the team he’s gone to (I used to have some shred of respect for them but not after their classless behaviour the past few summers). I hate it that he loves that team too and is happy about joining them – surely he knows how we feel about FCB? But I know he can’t help the fact that he is a Catalan, from Barcelona and that is where he wants to play all his life.

But Cesc loves Arsenal too. Let me re-tell the story I got (again from Siân): ‘Finally, a little story to share for those of you doubting Cesc’s love of Arsenal. He once had carpet-fitters come to… well, fit some carpet, I guess. They didn’t know it was his house they were going to and one happened to be wearing a Chelsea shirt. Obviously the guy felt the need to show it off. Cesc went on to very politely ask him to remove the shirt, or leave. The guy thought he was joking: “No. I’m serious. Sorry.” Then he made him a cup of tea.

Don’t tell me Cesc doesn’t love this club.’

And go here for evidence of his thoughtfulness and charm (scroll down to the part with the signed jersey).

He’s been saying the right things even when he’s joined FCB, namely that he would be watching Arsenal every weekend because he’s an Arsenal fan and will go back as often as he can. He’ll always carry Arsenal in his heart ;’)

I’m thinking of some sentences with song titles that describe what I feel:

Baby Come Back
Because My Life Would Suck Without You
C’mon, you know you’ll Always Be My Baby
But if you choose to go, I’ll Cherish the good times
And I love you Wherever You Will Go

And other Cesc-related sentences: The Joy of Cesc (lost), The Cesc Machine (gone), The Ex-Cesc Baggage (that we now find ourselves with).

I can’t help it: I am after all ob-Cesc-ed with Cesc.

It feels like a break-up. Wait a minute, it is a kind of break up. Did you go because we are not good enough for you anymore, Cesc?

Please bear with me through this difficult period. I’ve never experienced anything like this. Sure I was sad when Titi, Pires, Bergkamp, Ljungberg left but this, well, I am just shattered. I’m depressed, distressed, disappointed, disillusioned... it will take me some time to get over it (did I not say it feels like a break up? Heck, it’s maybe even worse than a break up but not as bad as dealing with the passing of a loved one). Give me time to heal please. I need it. (And please bear with me as I may post puerile entries while I try to find my mojo).

And Wenger? When we let go of Cesc, I hope you ensure we have a ready replacement for him. But the current squad terrifies me. You can’t let a player of a quality like Cesc go and have no ready replacement. That would just be sheer madness, stupid and irresponsible. But thank you for letting him go with that buy-back clause.