Dilemma

Abah called me last night while I was watching the season finale of CSI: New York (he had, during the day, overseen the contractors re-fixing the window grilles) and asked if I was still going for my next trip. I asked why and he launched into his tirade of long advice that maybe I should just stay put at home, that I should recite a verse in the Quran repeatedly, that I should perform special prayers and that I should cut down on watching footie and instead concentrate on reciting the Quran and prayers.

I listened to him without saying a word while a dozen thoughts raced through my mind.

As I told Delia and Akak this morning, I have every intention of going on the trip – and not just because I have paid a substantial amount for it (the flight ticket, the visa application, the various domestic flights and even the deposit on the hostel) but because of other reasons as well. Yes, I have only recently suffered a major loss but hey, life goes on and no matter how much I grieve for the material loss, it is gone now. Life goes on, like it or not, happy with it or not, and it’s business as usual. The thieves have robbed so much from me and I have no intention of letting them rob me of my life as well. And having lost so much, I’d only stand to lose more if I cancel this trip. Yes, it’s unfortunate that the break-in happened too near to the trip but it’s one of those things you don’t plan for of course.

So should I stop living and start barricading myself in my own house, keeping vigil and watching out against other intruders out there? With more repair work that we’re going to embark on, barricading myself indoors is not what I have in mind, what with all the dust and noise. And wouldn’t it be better, as I pointed out to Akak, that I be away than be in when an intruder comes? (Maybe I’m still too pissed, livid and seething with anger and fear, or traumatised over the loss that’s why I’m not yet scared. No, I’m fully aware that this is the price I have to pay for staying alone and I chose to do it anyway knowing full well of the risk. In any case, if I’m too chicken-shit to continue staying there alone, I know I can always pack my bags and go back to live with my parents). But I will not stop living my life and I sure am not going to let them from living my life. I won’t give them the satisfaction of robbing my life, of ruining my life, of terrifying me into a state of fear.

I also pointed out to Delia and Akak that I can always recite the Quran and verse and perform special prayers wherever I am; I don’t have to only do it in the comfort of my room. Besides, I already do read the Quran on a regular basis and perform special prayers regularly too. As for football, well, I view it as a form of therapy from my everyday angst and problems, and believe me, it really, really helps. Sure, you can view it as escapism on my part but it works for me, it gives me relief (providing Arsenal win of course) and is therapeutic. So please don’t use it against me and tell me I should stop.

I for one believe that if things are meant to happen, they will happen, no matter where you are and when, what you’re doing and what stage you are in your life. Take the H1N1 for example. The outbreak happened just days before my Europe trip in May and Abah called me to advise me to cancel the trip. I had by then, paid a substantial amount for the trip (the return flight, the intra-Europe flights, the hostel deposits, the ticket to Alhambra, the train ticket from Bonn to Frankfurt Airport, etc), spent a considerable time planning for my trip, applied for leave, made trips to the money-changer... and I said no, I’d still go. He tried to reason and I said something like if you’re fated to contract the disease, then it doesn’t matter if you stay put or continue with the trip (and what do you know, the only people I saw wearing masks were at KLIA when I left and came back! No one in Europe was donning it at all. And what about those local people who contracted the disease because some visitors from abroad came to visit and brought along the virus with them? They stayed put and still were unfortunate to contract it). He wasn’t happy with my reply and said I shouldn’t be arrogant and I said no, that wasn’t my intention but rather I was just making my point of view forward. My views may be flawed but surely they don’t smack of arrogance.

What do you think? Am I wrong in my views? Am I, God forbid, being arrogant about all this? Should I stay put and kick myself later for not going on the trip (or worse still have life-long regrets) or should I just go? I know what I want to do, I just wish my dad can see it the way I do. Yes, I understand and respect his views, but I hope he can see and respect my view too. If there’s something my parents know about me, it’s that I’m terribly stubborn and once I’ve set my mind to do something, I would do it no matter what people say. Of course, I do not dismiss people’s views, I will take them into consideration, weigh the merits of their views before making my own decisions. Am I being stubborn and obstinate this way? Perhaps. Am I being selfish for putting my consideration ahead of other people’s expectation? I hope not.

I sometimes wonder if I disappoint my parents with my stubbornness and hard-headedness. But this is my life. I can’t let a setback like this affect my life, nor do I want to. I will fight back, guns blazing and all (figure of speech, y’all. But of course if I can buy a weapon for self-protection, maybe I might just do it). I will not sit back and wait for things to happen. That’s not my style. I will continue to make special prayers and read the Quran but I’m already doing that anyway. Do I stop living my life and cut down on watching footie/TV just to make my parents feel better that I’ve done something (at the very least, for having listened to their advice) and make myself feel a bit better (for having followed their advice), or do I just go on as before, yes, with extra prayers and extra Quranic reciting but other aspects of life remaining as they were and be practical about it?