The Last Goodbye

One of my aunts passed away yesterday morning. She was warded at HUKM. I didn't know she had been admitted there – my parents and sister always manage to keep certain things away from me [or is it that I somehow manage not to know certain things?]. She was earlier at SJMC but despite being warded twice, they somehow could not detect what was wrong with her. I simply could not understand how they managed to keep her hospitalised for over 15 days and yet not managed to find the root cause of her illness.

So I took half-day leave to pay my last respects to her. Met up with Abah and he drove us to my cousin’s place in Shah Alam. It seemed like forever before we finally got there. We left for a nearby mosque almost immediately though. I recited the Yassin for her and offered some prayers.

I got a final look at her when she was being wrapped gently with cotton before the white kapan cloth. That was the first time I ever saw a body ‘being prepared’ [sorry for the lack of a better word] – well, that’s for being the youngest granddaughter who never had the privelege of meeting any of her grandparents alive - so I was not prepared and was in a bit of a shock. I stood there silently taking in the rituals and as inappropriate as it may seem, this thought actually crossed my mind then, ‘Oh God, I can’t stay or go closer because I may have nightmares later of dying myself,’ [although now that I think about it, I remember dreaming of my own death and somehow floating above as I watched my family bury me]. I silently bade her farewell before leaving the room.

She was laid to rest at Shah Alam itself, which is quite a relief; otherwise they’d have to transport her body back to JB.

It made me wonder, this person was alive a mere few hours before but now God has called upon her - and she was scheduled to have a check/scope done today too. And no one had any inkling that the angel of death was hovering near her, yes, she was not doing too well but no one expected her to leave so soon. Because, I suppose, no matter how much thought you’ve given to it, no one is ever prepared for death. Oh yes, death is certain but it’s always comforting to push it to the back of one’s mind. Oh, there were little signs of course like when she told her daughter that she dreamt of her late mother [my late grandmother] one night and how much she insisted on meeting my cousin during Eid, who is a dead ringer for my late uncle.

My aunt is one of the two aunts who took care of Akak and I when Abah and Mummy first went to perform Haj way back when [the other aunt is the (once) battered wife of a policeman]. She was in the teaching line and was quite strict with her six children, yes, wayyy stricter than Abah and Mummy ever were/are to us.

I remember going to their place in JB when we were small during holidays. Because there were a few of us kids, we’d all spend the night in the hall, sleeping on mattresses. That was fun. The visits, however, lessened over time until we only saw each other only once a year, if at all, during Eid. And the last time I met and talked to her was on 1 Syawal this year and she was already looking tired and weak then.

Akak told me that when she went to visit my aunt on Sunday, she said that she just couldn't wait to have the check done on her so that she could learn what was wrong with her. It turned out that it was my uncle's birthday on Sunday and as everyone wished him, she turned to her husband and wished him and also apologised that she could not get him any birthday present this year. I felt sad when I heard that. She was dying and yet she could still apologise for not being able to get her husband any birthday present?

And now she is gone. And there are only three ladies left in that family – my other aunt [Mummy’s elder aunt who's married to a policeman], Mummy and my youngest aunt.

I remember thinking that life is so fragile. And that this world is just a transition to another world. And hence, we should leave life to the fullest in the best way we know because we owe ourselves that much.

Goodbye, Mak Rah. I pray that you will be placed among those pious and blessed. Al-Fatihah.