Just in case you haven't noticed, this blog started off to document the trips I've gone on so far, a kind of a travelogue if you wish. It also records my past and current journey through life.
I was transported back to my earlier life on my way home yesterday - when we were all younger and I was convinced that We Have All The Time In The World. But the truth is far from simple as always. And the outcome, at least for me, is not necessarily All's Well That Ends Well.
I was introduced to my 1st Beau so many years ago. He had a girlfriend at the time, I was fancying someone else [or I was convinced I fancied the chap] so of course it was a platonic friendship.
Our friendship continued, just as I continued fancying the chap. Then in the midst of pursuing my undergraduate degree, I decided that enough was enough and that I should stop fancying someone who was not going to do anything about it. By this time I was close to someone else and mistook that as a possibility for something else, which needless to say didn't work out either.
1st Beau stayed back in Europe when I returned home to serve my contract.
One fine day, in his email, 1st Beau asked me something which I thought was sweet but strange too. I never replied. Next thing I knew, he was back in KL for hols. He called me up at work and almost as an afterthought mentioned that I hadn't replied his query. I pretended not to comprehend and he actually repeated the question on the phone. It was something akin to a marriage proposal, hence I didn't expect him to repeat it over the phone and while I was at work too. My stammered and stunned reply was that I wasn't yet ready for anyone [I was then getting over someone] and that it wouldn't be fair for me to expect him to wait for me until I was ready. He accepted my decision. He's always been a matured gentleman.
I never felt anything for 1st Beau until then. Apart from innocent casual group outings and accompanying him to college, we only went for a movie during one of the summer breaks when we both chose to return home and even then, I dragged Akak along. I certainly didn't make a big deal out of it.
Three months passed by and I got to thinking that maybe I should consider his proposal. After all, 1st Beau is a decent bloke, comes from a good family, doesn't have many siblings [hence, reduced possibility of headaches for me over potential troublesome siblings-in-law] and has an enviable qualification to boot. So I sent him an email.
He replied to say he had something to tell me. And I immediately knew, even before he told me the details. That he had found someone else. That he could have been mine but would never be mine. Ever. For we are not meant to be.
I picked up the pieces of my life again [after all, what choice did I have?]. Attended his wedding reception with 4th Beau [who I now refer to as Jerk - and not affectionately].
We are still friends - he is one who will always be my friend. And will only be my friend and no more. I hold no grudge against him. I'm not bitter. But I only wish I had emailed him sooner. And I occasionally still think of the what-ifs, especially when I'm lying in bed all alone with my thoughts and emotions. I wonder if it's wrong to still think of him? To think of how I let what possibly could be my only chance at love slip out of my grasp?
Lay a whisper on my pillow, leave the winter on the ground
I never met my 2nd Beau. He saw my picture in his friend's wedding album, at which I was a guest, and to his credit and to my knowledge, put in considerable effort trying to find out about me and contacted me. But we never met because I was already going out with Jerk [I didn't want to Play The Field]. It didn't work out with 3rd Beau either as I was going out with Jerk [why do things happen that way? For suddenly It's Raining Men when I was going out with another?]. I refused to go out with 5th Beau because I was getting over Jerk. 2nd, 3rd and 5th Beaux are now all married [4th Beau is still not married but he's probably gay for all I know. And no, I don't know why he had such a Hold On My Heart].
I've had my chances at love but I let them all slip away... I wonder God, have I squandered my chances for good?
These Are The Days Of Our Lives and that is the story of my life thus far. Maybe it has somewhat shed some light as to why I am the way I am, how I am and what I am today. But read this blog and Listen Without Prejudice.
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