Ramadan Rant

 

Well, it goes without saying that Ramadan and Eid this year is different than the usual and as much as we’re to adopt the new normal, I sure hope it won’t be that for future Ramadans and Eids. And all because of the incompetence and sheer cluelessness of those in power. So they declared political emergency to curb the spread of the pandemic and we’re in May and the pandemic is spiking! Serious FAILURE. And it all started from the politician who thought he had enough votes to win back Sabah and then the whole circus of Sabah election took place and next thing we knew, the numbers increased by leaps and bounds.

 

Of course, Selangor is the next state to fall victim and is still the state with the highest daily numbers (you’d expect that for the most populous state in the country which has the highest number of industries and the corresponding foreign workers). And now we have the Indian and South African variants amongst our midst, so kudos! Well done, Malaysia. From a so-called success story, we have fallen so low. We are probably the only country with variants of MCO and the ever-changing confusing SOP.

 

And in other news, we have a teenager who dared speak out on inappropriate rape jokes made by a teacher and it’s not just students, female teachers also face sexual harassment too from our male Malaysian teachers. Is nothing sacred anymore? Can’t a child go to school without worrying that she’d be exposed to kind of disgusting diabolical behaviour by her teacher? And instead of being able to feel safe, the school is threatening to expel her from her absence from school while at the same time not taking any action towards the scum and the child’s classmate who also threaten to rape her. What in the world is Malaysia coming to??? And the ignorant clueless Minister is deathly silent on this so far. It’s enough to make your head spin. 2021 and we still have to live in fear of the beasts around us.

 

And the violence that is happening in Jerusalem...it breaks my heart. Is any of the Arab countries doing anything at all to help our brothers and sisters there?

 

No, it is definitely not a normal Ramadan. Please spare some thoughts and prayers to all those oppressed in Palestine, Syria, Myanmar and Yemen and those caught in civil wars in other countries.

 

For what it’s worth, Eid Mubarak everyone.

Ups And Downs

 

We all have ups and downs in our lives on an ongoing basis. Some of us choose to view life positively and have an attitude of gratitude while some can’t stop moaning about the cards they’re dealt in life. While it’s better to be in the company of someone who refuses to let life trials to bring him down and it’s tiring and exhausting to listen to someone who can’t stop complaining about not being given enough break in life, life is not a bed of roses either and s**t happens. So why aren’t we giving enough due to the fact that we can’t be happy all the time? As Sarah Steckler mentions here, true happiness isn’t the act of choosing to be happy, it’s the art and allowance of accepting human emotions, observing them and being okay with them being a part of our lives.

 

Susan David mentions the tyranny of positivity. We’re encouraged to feel bad about being negative. But why? Why should we be denied from acknowledging that not everything goes the way we plan and want? Why should we deny ourselves from being comfortable and from dealing with the full range of our emotions?

 

It’s time we recognise we should acknowledge and deal with our feelings and emotions. If life sucks, we should all write an Ingratitude List. We should stop trying to pretend we’re not in pain when we are. Count our blessings of course and at the same time acknowledge that ignoring our anger and sadness with gratitude lists doesn’t make them disappear. If anything, an ingratitude list gives direction, focus and helps one move away from shame towards acceptance and action.

Me Before You

 

I did have feelings for you. The thing is (besides having problems expressing it – funny, when I can really express myself and have an expressive face) I love myself first before I could give my love to someone else. It was just because I had gone through so much shit before. I have trust issues. I have fear of abandonment. I don’t fear new opportunities, new love or new vulnerability but I do fear old pain. I have to fix myself first before I could be with anyone else. I have to heal myself first. Be with myself. Spend time just by myself. Be kind to myself. It was nothing personal. I had to do it for me because I have to treat myself as priority. I had to spend time on myself first. And that was it. That’s why it didn’t work out with you and with the others. Why things fell apart.

 

Sometimes you just have to block everyone else out first to fix what is broken inside of you. Sometimes it really is not about anyone else but you. And sometimes you just have to give yourself all the attention you need, spend time with yourself and invest in yourself before giving yourself to someone else.

 

As @SteveBartlettSC put it: I’m nowhere near my potential yet. I realise that. So right now, I am my focus and priority. If you add to my life, you’re welcome to stay. If not, I’m good and I’ll wait. There’s no gratitude greater than taking care of yourself. Being selective about how you spend your time and who you spend your time with is a sign of self-respect. The healthiest foundation for any relationship is one where you want someone, but aren’t depending on them to complete you. Complete yourself and then go and have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t need you to complete them either. You won’t have a healthy relationship with someone else if you have a toxic relationship with yourself. Stop searching for the right person and focus on becoming the right person. Your first priority has to be you. Invest in, chase and impress yourself before you invest in, chase and try to impress anyone else. If you can’t find happiness alone, you’ll struggle to find it with someone else.

 

So yes, I’m gonna put myself before anyone else first. Me before you.

When Love Means Nothing

 

It seems that we suddenly find ourselves in the end of February (wherever did the time go?!). February, the month of love and romance, and at least for this year, also the month for the Australian Open.

 

Love means nothing? Well, yes, in tennis at least. One theory is that the tennis term is derived from the French word l’oeuf where oeuf means egg. Apparently, when the game was imported into France from England, the French used the word l’oeuf to mean ‘zero’, due to the resemblance of an egg to the written figure 0 - indeed, even in Malay, if you have nothing, a score of zero, the joke is you have an egg. At least two of the Treasure Hunts I’d been on had this in the questions.

Speaking of love, I can't quite get over my love (lust?) for bags. And this love does mean something.

The Year That Was: 2020

 

We all know how challenging 2020 was so I don’t really want to talk too much about it. What started off as a promising year turned out to be such an anomaly, an outlier, it completed changed our lives. I just hope everyone has learnt not to put too much hope or expect too much from 2021 because the road to recovery seems still a far distance away. If I had thought 2019 was bad, well, 2020 sure surpassed it.

 

But I learnt to be even more grateful of what I have and while yes I still have my own issues and problems, some of them pale in comparison to what some others face (of course I have always known and noticed this and not only just realised it. I’m not that self-absorbed!). I was in awe at the hard work by some selfless individuals (Ustaz Ebit Liew, Uncle Kentang, just to name a couple of them) and I found myself shopping less and contributing more to causes. I tried to eat more healthily (yes, I still have my craving for junk food) and managed to reduce my cholesterol level down, I managed to maintain my weight and I made sure I continued to attend physiotherapy sessions to treat my scoliosis. My therapist had told me that I should not be jogging, running, jumping or skipping so I have to do a lot more walking now (a bit difficult when there was a strict restriction of movement for three months). I still can’t really be bothered to learn how to cook as I dislike spending and don’t want to stand too long in the kitchen. Despite the pandemic, I have yet to place any food order via Food Panda Grab Food, believe it or not. And I still prefer going and doing my physical shopping for groceries and browsing the pharmacies. Nothing beats interacting with the pharmacists in deciding the best supplements to buy.

 

I somehow managed to squeeze in trips right before the MCO and after it was relaxed (before the needless Sabah election following which we see runway number of daily cases), Alhamdulillah:

 

January: Flew to Surat Thani on the eve of Chinese New Year

February: Flew to Tanjung Pandan at month-end

March: Came back from Tanjung Pandan

April: Was supposed to go on a short trip to Kota Bharu

May: Was supposed to fly to a new country

June: Didn’t manage any trip

July: Went to Georgetown, Penang, Kuala Kangsar and Lenggong, and Port Dickson/Melaka

August: Overnight trip to Kuala Lipis

September: Spent a weekend at Tanjong Jara Resort with my niece

October - December: Did not travel

 

I even managed two trips to Genting Highlands Premium Outlets during the year!

 

Arsenal continued to both frustrate and delight me as I suppose they will continue to be. I actually found myself watching more tennis last year compared to football. Yes, Arsenal gave me so much pain at times.

 

I managed to read 152 books in 2020 despite the heavier workload and I hope to keep my annual target of 150 this year, insyaAllah.

 

Felice Anno Nuovo and happy new decade (and no, contrary to what many think, 2020 was not the start of a new decade). Andrà tutto bene, insyaAllah.

Waiting To Exhale

 

Well, I guess it’s inevitable not to talk about the year, or rather, the past nine months. 2020 has undoubtedly been a very challenging year in all sense of the word. It’s been a testing, trying, tiring year for everyone. It’s been a year of trials and tribulations. I don’t think anyone escaped unscathed, I don’t think anyone was spared or unaffected in some way. And while it’s all too easy to just focus on the negatives, let’s instead look at the positives that we can draw from our experiences these past few months. Yes, this may be one of the hardest years for us, but it is also the greatest in terms of helping us learn how to:

- Be humble

- Be kind. Act, talk and think kindly. In fact, be overly kind

- Be mindful

- Be patient

- Empathise with others

- Eliminate toxic people 

- Find who our real friends are 

- Take care of our health

- Manage our effort, money and time wisely

- Focus on the things that matter.

 

I hope you haven’t been putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to learn a new skill, lose weight, run a half-marathon or become a ‘better’ person. Just getting through this shit is more than enough. Remove the junk from your mental diet by limiting time on social media, limiting time watching news and instead investing that time into things that make you feel good. Prioritise your mental health. If taking care of yourself means being a little more selfish, taking a mental health day or even letting someone down, then please let someone down. Your self-love must always be stronger than your desire to be loved by others. Set clear boundaries in work, life and your relationships. The most important form of self-care you can practise is unapologetically protecting your boundaries. Contrast your life in the right direction. If you focus on the life you’ve lost, you’ll soon find misery. If you focus on the life you have, you’ll soon find happiness. Remember that all of life’s seasons are temporary. Your brightest moments are temporary so enjoy them while the sun is shining. Your darkest moments are also temporary, so never give up when it’s raining. Remember, this too shall pass.

So even if you haven’t learnt a new skill, mastered a new language or achieved your resolutions and goals, if you have even managed to implement some of what I mentioned in the preceding paragraph, then 2020 won’t be in vain and won’t be for nothing. If we can find something to learn even in adversity and challenging times, it’s not all lost, is it? The truth is that bad experiences and bad people often teach us more than good times and good people. The most toxic unpleasant people in our lives end up making us kinder, wiser and more empathetic. The hardest times make us stronger, smarter and better prepared for tomorrow.

You should be proud of everything you’ve had to overcome this year. The pain, loss, self-doubt, fights, mental health struggles, and many sleepless nights where you didn’t know if you could make it. You’ve made it here. And you will make it through. Keep going. Be proud of yourself! And guess what? 2021 might even be harder so brace yourselves. Hey, we made it through 2020 (almost). InsyaAllah we’ll make it. Be patient. Persevere. Pray to God.

Things That Go Bump In The Night

 

My dad has been warded for the past week due to endophthalmitis. I would visit him on most evenings after work and then my sister would give me a ride back home.

 

We came home last Wednesday evening to find a door of one of our two gates opened and swung out (we usually swing the doors in). It had rained earlier so I was inclined to think the wind accompanying the wind must’ve been strong enough to swing the door open. I mean, a burglar wouldn’t be so stupid as to leave the gate opened, would he. Nevertheless, my brother-in-law went to check the garden.

 

After they left, I started hearing noises. I can’t tell you if those noises were the usual noises that I hear (was pretty sure they came from outside the house) so I took to peering out of the window on the lookout for any prowlers.

 

I fell asleep while doing my exercise (I was just too knackered) and woke up after midnight to go to bed. Barely an hour later, I heard what sounded like my bedroom banging loudly and it woke me up. I opened my eyes and looked at the door. It didn’t look like anyone was on the other side of the door and trying to enter the room. After a while, I got up and went to check. Everything was still. It wasn’t raining and there was no wind that usually accompanies rain to bang the door. So what was it that I heard then? Was I dreaming so vividly or was I hallucinating (somehow in my dreams)? Or was I just spooked from the opened gate door that it disturbed my dream?

 

Then on Friday night (or Saturday early morning), I dreamt and then felt a heavy presence in the room which proceeded to descend upon the bed next to me. I somehow sensed this presence reaching out towards me and I could feel the heaviness of it all slowly weighing down. I woke up and loudly recited ayat Qursi. After a while, I declared syahadah and then even called out the azan. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel spooked or scared, my heart wasn’t pounding crazily, I didn’t feel any cold sweat or goose-bumps or like anyone walking over my bed. I didn’t shiver, didn’t feel like wetting myself or releasing my bladder as I would’ve expected (not that I wanted to!) of course. I did have that images of those horror movies where you see casts being pulled and dragged by evil spirits or ghosts or whatever. Somehow though, I was unusually calm and had this thought that Allah is with me and He would protect me so that thing had better not mess with me. It did take me some time to fall asleep again though and I never looked at the other side of the bed.

 

My sister suggested I play ayat Ruqyah and I’ve been doing that since the weekend. I woke up at 03:20 yesterday morning for no reason and had problems sleeping again. I probably managed a brief kip and dreamt a burglar was in the house and in the bathroom. I remember calling out ‘HELP’ and then imprisoning the burglar in the bathroom and in my dream even wondered what I would do next. OK, maybe squirt some shampoo into his eyes when I summoned up the courage to open the bathroom?

 

I still hear the occasional noises, but I don’t know if they’re creaks from an almost 52-year old house or wild animals on the roof. Anyway, like I said, Allah is with us and He will protect us if we turn to Him, insyaAllah. I do need to play my part too in defending myself.