Death And Life

Of late, I’ve been thinking quite a bit of growing old and death. Probably it’s because of the books I’d been reading which had deaths in them – unexpected, sudden death, murders and suicides. I know death is a sure thing and I’m closer to death now than ever but am I ready for it? Are my deeds enough or have my sins caught up and cancelled out all my good deeds? Am I ready to meet my Maker? Am I prepared for the afterlife? I have no problem so far being single and travelling solo because I don’t feel lonely even though I’m alone but it’s definitely different being dead and all alone six feet underground. Some will say that it won’t matter because I’m already dead but as a Muslim, I believe in punishment of the grave which follows death and prior to Judgement Day. And yet, and yet, I continue to commit sin. Sigh.

I’ve also been thinking (or worrying) about growing old. About being old and feeble and barely able to take care of myself. About having to downsize. I’m sure I would no longer be able to live at micasa for I would have difficulties climbing up stairs with my bad knees then (how do the Italian mamas and papas who live in coastal towns climb up and down those steep stairs and hills? Maybe that, the Mediterranean diet, and the traditions of the Roseto effect – family, community and simplicity - are why they live longer). I would either have to move to a small apartment where I can move around easily (it’d take some adjusting to because I’m used to space) or check into an assisted living facility - or I can start living like an Italian and hope to live longer. And then I’d wonder why people need to have so much material things in the first place, why they desire to live in mansions and drive fast cars when at the end of it, they have to downsize and live with less when they are old. I’m already starting to give some of my Louis Vuitton bags to my niece and sister as it is.

Of course you still have to live when you’re alive. So maybe that’s why we have our needs, lusts and desires over the finer things in life. I believe in delayed gratification but I don’t think it means I have to delay investing in my desires and only enjoy things when I’m already retired. I want to spoil and indulge myself before I get sick or too old to enjoy the fruits of my labour - worse still is if I die suddenly and have others enjoy what I work for. Never mind that I’m only a lowly minion where I work.

On another note, while I love travelling and would love nothing more than to plan for and go on a trip, I don’t think I can be a full-time traveller. I’ve come across ads and posts on Instagram where this travelling couple or that so-called lifestyle influencer are willing to share their secrets and tips on how you can travel full-time and not work in an office. Yes, it sounds fun, great and ideal but it sounds a bit irresponsible to me. I believe I have a duty to myself, to Allah, to my religion, society and country to work and contribute to the building of this nation (even with its flaws and corrupt politicians). I cannot imagine not working. For one, who will support me? Maybe the travelling couple or lifestyle influencer would recommend getting income on some web-based money-churning ideas to fund my travels but how would I contribute to Allah, the society and country in turn? I may change my mind in a few years and give this a go but for now, I’ll continue working. Working is also a form of ibadah after all. And for another, I do enjoy working. I may be just a minion but I can still contribute my ideas, my energy, efforts and passion.

As for work, some people say they work only for the money. I don’t see it that way. To do so would make work seem like drudgery to me, like it’s only something I have to do because I have no other choice. To make work enjoyable, I see money as a bonus. I had no idea what I would be when I was growing up and I chose to do accounting not because I liked it but because I didn’t want to do law and didn’t fancy journalism or political science or computer science. I have no complaints about where I am now. I’m not complacent but I’m content. To me, if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Try to make the best of the situation. You can’t keep second-guessing and job-hopping in the hope of finding an ideal job, something that you would enjoy. At the same time, you shouldn’t remain somewhere where you are unhappy and unable to perform either. I guess what I want to say is that we should make the best of our situation and find an alternative only if it becomes intolerable and unbearable.

I don’t wish to be so rich that I’m burdened with my wealth. I just want good health, wealth, love, peace, iman and happiness. Like Einstein said: a quiet and modest life brings more joy than a pursuit of success bound with constant unrest.

Strong Enough

As the month of March pays tribute to women with International Women’s Day and Mother’s Day (some countries celebrate the latter in March; a lot of countries in the Middle East celebrate it today), today I shall pay a short tribute to one of the strongest women in my life: Mummy. To me, Mummy is was a strong woman (it’s still hard for me, after all this time, to refer to her in the past tense). I’m not sure if Mummy knew her parents at all. She was adopted, along with three other girls, by a single teacher who was held in very high esteem by the society. She may not have the benefit of high education but Mummy was a smart woman. She wasn’t at all stupid; in fact, she used to set us Maths questions for us to do. She also had the unenviable task of managing the household with the challenge of juggling the household budget while taking care of the family. This was in the 1970s when times were hard and dad was the sole bread winner with siblings who occasionally expected him to hand out money all because he worked and lived in KL (I don’t know why people couldn’t understand that living in the city is actually not easy with its higher cost of living).

Mummy had to deal with five instant stepchildren and, shortly after, her own two young daughters and for that, she needed mental strength and great courage. She had lived a sheltered life with her foster sister along with her other adopted sisters and to suddenly uproot herself from all that was familiar and moved across states to live in KL shortly after finally agreeing to marry dad must have been daunting. Still, she took it in her stride for what other choice did she have? I sensed that she must have wished she had had access, means and opportunity to higher education because she always told me that it was OK for me to stay single and not get married and that had she been in my shoes with a job and earning her own money, she would have chosen to stay single.

And she’s right, of course. Women don’t need men these days financially. OK, I know there are some women who prefer to be taken care of, who don’t care if they have to be kept women as long as their material needs are fulfilled but I’m referring here to women who have their own jobs. We are strong enough to be independent and take care of ourselves. But of course, we crave and long for love which we think - rightly or wrongly – men can provide if they’re bothered. But most men these days are self-centred oafs with big egos who think it’s fine to take women for granted and walk all over them. They don’t care that women want to be cared for and loved and hugged and be given the occasional surprise because like it or not, women are emotional and regardless of how strong they are, they still want love deep down. We may be modern and strong but we still want to be loved, cared, protected and surprised and wanting all that does not mean we are being weak. After all, it’s only natural to want all that!

I’m definitely not the first single girl in this world and I won’t be the last. I may not be strong physically but I am mentally and spiritually strong. I can travel on my own and in fact value my own me time, my freedom and my opportunity to be closer to Allah. I am strong enough. If I’m destined not to have jodoh and it is better for me, my religion, my life in this world and the Hereafter, then so be it. Allah will help me, protect me, care for me and love me, which is so much better than all the love of all the men in this world put together. He will not disappoint me, He won’t lie to me, He won’t deceive me, He won’t hurt me and He will listen.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be as strong as Mummy who uprooted herself, married a widower with five kids and lived through the hard early years of marriage. But hey Mummy did it, didn’t she. So I can be strong too with Allah by my side. InsyaAllah and amen.

Betrayal

I have experienced betrayal these past few weeks. I feel that Arsenal have betrayed me with their indifferent shitty performance and although I have stopped watching them play a few months back, I still follow what little news I can. I don’t remain ignorant and am continually surprised with every new level that they can sink down to. The players should really feel ashamed of themselves for letting themselves, the manager, the club and the fans down. And Wenger should feel ashamed of himself too, of his continued blind support of his players. Something’s gotta give and soon. No one person is bigger than the club, be it player or manager and it seems Wenger has lost the dressing room. He looks to have lost his touch, to be unable to get the best out of his players, to have lost the confidence of his players. He should just do the right thing and step down because he clearly doesn’t have the solution or any idea of any solution.

I don’t want to touch too much on the ‘celebrity’ who launched her new collection at a night club because I don’t care for her. All I want to say is she had made her choice and stood by it and will face the consequences, good or bad. For us, talking about fitnah is already fitnah for us. She’s not the first hijabi to sell out to dunia for materialistic gain and won’t be the last. This is her trial from Allah. We should just keep quiet and make prayers for her. What we should learn from all this is to be afraid that we could be next: selling out to dunia and not even realising it. Let’s hope we won’t be betraying our own faith in return for some cheap glamour and low level gimmick. There’s always the right place and right time to spread dakwah and not at a maksiat place.

I have also been betrayed by another ‘celebrity’ who blocked me from his Instagram and all because I shared the following which my dad drums into me:

The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: Allah has cursed Khamr (intoxicants – alcohol, wine etc.): the one who drinks it, the one who pours it for others, the one who sells it, the one who buys it, the one who makes it, the one who it is made for, the one who carries it, the one who it is carried to and the one who consumes the money from its sale.

You don’t have to like what I shared because I didn’t make the ruling. If you’re so open minded as you claim to be with the numerous photos you shared of you and your friends from diverse background, then why couldn’t you accept this? I have noticed that this person always blocks those whose opinions he disagrees with. He also labels those he disagrees with as ‘Sakai’. Wow, as if being racist and labelling others is so open-minded and tolerable! Well, no big deal to me. But mister, you just betrayed your so-called high tolerance for others. What, you can be tolerant of other religions but the minute you’re reminded of the restrictions of your own religion, you get angry and intolerant and block people?

In the Middle East, Assad continued to betray his people by continually attacking and bombing Ghouta. Children are killed every day. Hospitals and schools are ruined. Assad has become modern-day Hitler. And the rest of the world has also betrayed the people of Syria who are under the tyrant rule of Assad. We abandon them to their fate. So what if they have been living in basement for weeks and starving? We said never again after Srebrenica. Well, it happened again in Grozny, and in Homs, in Darayya, Madaya, Aleppo, Raqqah, Idlib and again and again in Eastern Ghouta. We’ve turned a blind eye to Syria, Yemen, Palestine. We have betrayed our own brothers and sisters.

And last but not least, I have again been betrayed, lied and deceived to by someone I thought I was close to. I don’t know what other level this person will sink to, if he expects me to keep forgiving him and giving him a second chance. I don’t know what friendship allows for deceit and lies. This person claimed he didn’t want me to object to his plans and that he was afraid of my disapproval and disagreement. Well, we must have not been as close as I thought if he was too afraid to be honest with me in the first place. I feel disrespected and taken for granted because my opinion was not sought and my consent was not obtained. Worse, his deceit has caused me problem in turn because I could not fulfil my obligation to someone else. I feel like someone yanked the carpet from underneath me and it’s all I can do to hang on and try very hard not to fall.

Despair, resignation, anger, hurt, pain, numb. Being betrayed gives you all that and more.