When All Is Said And Done

I’ve bared my soul to you, I’ve been honest, I’ve told you what I’m looking for in a potential life partner, what my expectations are. I don’t think I’m unreasonable in my expectations. It’s not as if I demand a Porsche as a wedding gift (I won’t say no to a Hermès Kelly 32 though), not at all. You know all this and yet you still hurt me big time.

You lied to me, you led me to think you were still struggling financially when you’d been secretly spending your money on something else. And even when you are broke, you still spend on it at the expense of food. You broke my heart into a million pieces. I told you before that I didn’t know how or what I feel towards you but I suppose in my own twisted confused way, I must have cared for you because why then does it hurt so much and so deep? Why, what I have done to deserve this, Oh Allah? I can’t be that bad, can I, to deserve a man who can’t lead me. It’s a poor unfortunate woman who wrongly chose a life partner and I don’t want that to be me, nauzubillah. Love, affection, care are not enough for me. I don’t want to live a secular, liberal, hedonistic, debauched life. You already know all this so why do you still want to pursue me if you can’t and may not change?

I’m disappointed, I felt let down, I’m gutted, heartbroken. I couldn’t sleep after the discovery and have lost my appetite too. Imagine me, having no appetite (it’s not because I’m a foodie or love to eat, just that I have a good appetite despite what everyone else thinks).

You’ve hurt me, you’ve lied to me, you can’t promise me you will change and repent. I deserve better, no, scratch that, I deserve the best, for all this long wait and because everyone deserves the best (people, don’t even settle for second best, ever) and if you continue on as before despite this last chance I’m giving you, then you’re simply just not good enough for me. But it’s better for me to know it all now rather than later and I thank Allah for that. I already told you at the start that it’s OK if I don’t get married. I’m already redha with it. If I were to leave this bachelorhood, it must be for someone worthy of my love, someone who can be worthy of me and someone I can be worthy of. Otherwise, it’s all for the best because Allah knows what’s best for us all. I wish you had been truthful to me from the start and not only now when I found out by snooping around. Yes, it sounds ugly and it is ugly but Allah is Most Powerful and He meant me to find out the way I did. 

Love shouldn’t be about blackmails so I’m not going to issue you with ultimatums saying this and demanding that, that if you love me like you claim you do that you must stop doing what I hate. After all, if you do love yourself and Allah, you would have done it already. Still, I’m prepared to give this last chance saloon. It doesn’t mean we’ll end up being married. It just means I’m willing to give you another chance to kick off your bad habit and to start being friends all over again. Yes, we have to start all over again because what good is a friendship if it’s based on lies? If you can’t, then we might as well stop seeing each other because I don’t want to waste any more time in a venture that will prove fruitless. I’ll be your friend, nothing more, nothing less. If something comes out of it later, then fine. If not, it means there’s no future for us. Now that’s the ultimatum in this last chance saloon. I will choose Allah over any man, and religion over worldly love. I told you I don’t care about what you did in your previous life before we met because, well, that’s all in the past. I just don’t understand why you have to hurt me when you already know what kind of man I want.

If you can’t be that man for men, if you can’t be strong enough to want to change and be strong enough to be my man, we’ll just remain as friends. I won’t abandon you but at the same time I won’t be bothered if you can’t be bothered to change. A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down and I hope that I’m at least a good true friend who will stop you if you’re going down the wrong way. I’m not special and I’m not strong enough to think I can change anyone. A person can only change if s/he wants to change her/himself. I do wish I have this ability to make a difference in someone’s life but it looks like despite all this time, I’ve not made a dent in your life.