I woke dad up the same evening I came back from Langkawi (15 October 2023) to perform Isya’ prayers. I was careless and let him walk on his own instead of walking behind him. As I was about to don my prayer attire, I turned to look at him and saw him falling. I rushed over but could not stop him from falling. He felt pain and wanted me to bring him back to bed. We struggled for some time and I didn’t want to leave him alone as he could not even support himself even when he told me to get the neighbour’s help. At one point, he almost fell again and I managed to stop him from falling and hitting his head on the floor. Finally, with God’s help, I managed to lift him up onto the bed. We collapsed for a while then I attempted to straighten his body. I took some ice pack and put under his body.
The next morning, I didn’t wake him up for prayers but went
to see him before I left for work. The caregiver didn’t move him much either. I
finally decided to get the doctor on call to come and examine dad on Tuesday.
The doctor came at almost noon and advised us to bring dad to the hospital to
get some X-ray done. My sister called for an ambulance and it arrived almost
immediately. I got a ride to Hospital Ampang after work from a colleague and we
stayed there until after midnight when we finally met the orthopaedic. Dad was
in a bad way, she said, and the hospital wanted to admit him for about 10-14
days. There was a long queue to be warded though and he might only be warded
after 03:00 but that we could go back. So my sister sent me home before
leaving.
The next morning (Wednesday), I went to the hospital and
worked there. I left after meeting the doctor (another orthopaedic this time).
She took off dad’s bandages. Thus began his hospitalisation episode. I didn’t
visit him that evening but went on Thursday in the heavy rain. And I spent the
whole Saturday at the hospital but he was mainly sleeping. He was sleeping a
lot the past few months.
I went to the hospital again after work on Monday (23 October,
exactly 13 years since Mummy left) as dad was about to be discharged. I was
myself so ill at that point and I left before the ambulance came to get him and
bring him to a nursing home in Bangi. My sister had visited the nursing home
and the four of us agreed to send him there as he’d be needing full-time care
which I would not be able to provide as I lack the strength. The caregiver said
he would wait for dad and follow behind the ambulance. That was the last time I
saw dad alive…
As my sister already said she wanted to come to clear up
things in the house on Saturday (28 October), I decided to visit dad on Sunday.
However, on Friday afternoon (27 October), my sister called me in tears saying
that dad was dying. I asked if she was serious, if she was certain, and she
said yes but that she couldn’t continue. I decided to leave after Asar prayers
and quickly arranged for a Maxim car. The car arrived later than expected and
thankfully it was a dry afternoon for a change but I was too late. Dad had gone
even before the car arrived. And I didn’t manage to meet dad and seek his
forgiveness for all my wrongdoings.
After Mummy left us, I spent the most time with dad.
Sometimes I felt resentful of my situation. The more time I spent with him, the
more impatient I got at times, the more tired I became, the more short-fused.
And I know I had hurt him at times with my rough behaviour. I’m not a gentle
girl, I’m rough and clumsy. Because I spent the most time with him, I was the one
who hurt him the most. My brothers probably hurt him from their negligence but
I hurt him with my bad temper and obstinate nature. I would talk back to defend
myself especially if I felt I was being unfairly accused of something. I
should’ve just let it go but no, I insisted on and persisted in defending
myself.
When he started having UTI in end-March 2022, his health
deteriorated and every time he had UTI, he would behave strangely. He mentioned
a few times that he was ready to meet his Maker but I told him I wasn’t ready
to let him go and asked who would take care of me if he left? Then I felt bad
because I shouldn’t be selfish and make him worry about leaving me behind. So
even though there were times when I felt like screaming at my situation and
that I knew all living beings would die and dad would leave me one day because
of his advanced age and worsening health, I just wasn’t ready to let him go.
And now he’s gone. I’m now bereft of parental love and
guidance and prayers. I’m now left alone to my devices. I have my sister and
brothers but they have their own families. But I have Allah. I will take my
time to grieve.
I would like to thank everyone who came, sent messages,
thoughts and prayers, who recited Yassin and tahlil, who helped give dad his
lasty bath, who performed solat jenazah, who helped make the burial smooth, who
attended the service, who participated in the tahlil and who gave money. I
would also like to thank my mates who came and some bringing food to ensure I didn’t
starve myself. I didn’t have the strength to inform my FB friends and they only
knew a week after dad left.
~~~~~~~
Thank you, Allah, for lending dad to us. The kindest man I knew,
he was my first love and my hero. He never laid a finger on me or my sister, my
parents never even pinched us. I wish I had been more obedient and less
obstinate, obedient, gentle, soft-spoken. I hope I haven’t given dad too much
heartache and disappointed him too much. I hope he forgave me for all
wrongdoings and gave blessings to my food and drink. I hope I hadn’t made him give up on me or be too exasperated. After all the pain and suffering he’d suffered
these last few months, I hope he’s at peace on the other side and continue to
watch over me. He had lived his life with honour and dignity, he worked hard to provide for us all, he was a pillar in our community and he continued to contribute even after he had retired. He had gone around the world and performed Haj twice. In short, he had lived a rich fulfilling life.
I know you worried about leaving me all alone but insyaAllah
I will make it through somehow. I just wonder how I could go on without your
advice and guidance. When I was small, I sometimes wondered how I’d make it
through life without my parents and somehow here I am, thirteen years since
Mummy left.
Al Fatihah to Mummy and Abah. Both gone in October. 23 October 2010 and 27 October 2023.
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