Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Life Changes

 Dad had been going to the Health Clinic every fortnight to change his urine bag. He would usually suffer some pain after he came back from the clinic and the pain would last for a few days. On Wednesday, 23 March 2022, he went to change the urine bag as usual and when I came back from work, he said he was in so much pain the whole day. It was so bad he even passed motion a few times. It even continued until he no longer realised he was about to pass motion – maybe the muscles had gone weak.

 

Early the following morning, I found faeces by his bed and had to clean it up. I found the same thing repeated on Friday morning but this time, his bedsheet had also been soiled. I felt like crying but crying never helped in those situations so I picked up all the soiled clothing and proceeded to launder them. I also noticed that he had started to confuse his prayer steps. He then proceeded to doze off after morning prayers on Friday and I woke him up and told him to lie down. Well, he ended up sleeping until past 11 a.m. I consulted Akak and she told me to buy some adult diapers.

 

It continued through that weekend. He became weaker. It was shocking to see how rapid his health deteriorated. I turned to Mr Google and found some companies that offered doctors on call and after contacting with a few, managed to secure one to come on Saturday evening. I never knew before that we had doctors on call here. The doctor arrived late as he was detained at his previous visit. He told my sister that dad had an infection as evidence by the cloudy urine. He gave some antibiotics and advised for dad to switch to silicone catheter.

 

Dad remained weak throughout that weekend. Akak had informed the brothers and they suggested either getting an Indonesian helper or bringing dad to stay at Akak’s (‘smart ideas’ eh). Akak came across a couple of caregivers and asked me to contact them so I did. The first caregiver I contacted said he could help care after dad and after I had discussed with his wife (it’s a husband-and-wife venture), they agreed to pay a visit that Sunday afternoon. I had also contacted another caregiver and the person agreed to come that same evening but never showed up. I decided to give the first caregiver a three-day trial.

 

Well, I think it’s dad’s rezeki because the caregiver has so far shown that he’s trustworthy, patient and able to care for dad. Dad’s condition slowly improved, very slowly actually. He needed help the first ten days after he got ill – help getting into bed, help getting out of bed, help getting to and into the bathroom, help getting up from the toilet... he’s better now at getting into and out of bed but we have to hold on to him when he walks now. He has a good appetite but is always unable to finish his meals because he feels nauseous after a few bites. He still misses some rakaat and rituals in his prayers but he's still determined to keep on performing prayers. He would put any young and abled non-practising Muslims to shame with his determination.

 

I know he’s ready to go and I cannot stop it if Allah has deemed it’s time for him to go. But I can’t help wondering who would take care of me when he’s gone. Am I selfish for thinking about myself? Maybe. Still, I know I can’t make him feel bad about leaving me behind.

 

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past three weeks. It seems like my temporary new norm is to get up after 02:00 or 03:00 in the morning and not be able to sleep thereafter. It’s taking a toll on me. I insist on still going to work because I would go mental otherwise. I need social interaction and stimulation. I do the best I can, spend time with him and attend to him when I get home. I don’t see why I can’t let someone who’s better able and capable of caring my dad look after him while I’m at work. He needs the job and is doing us all a favour, and we need him to help dad and us. And as far as possible, I want some aspect of my life to continue as usual.

 

I now have to do a whole lot of things every morning before leaving for work. Previously, I’d have to get up in the middle of the night when he called out for me to help him go to the bathroom (he doesn’t do often anymore and yet I still wake up at ungodly hours for no reason at all). I cook him porridge, cook one or two vegetable dish, cook rice and sometimes boil water before leaving for work. I sweep the dining and kitchen areas every alternate days and run the laundry, hang the clothes and fold them when I get back from work. I help bring him to the bathroom to perform ablutions, heat up the food and serve dinner, empty out his urine bag, brush his dentures, put on his diapers after he’s gone to the toilet. Alhamdulillah it has been raining on some afternoons so at least I don’t have to spend too much time watering the plants. On weekends, I bathe him too. In short, I have to do a lot more multi-tasking and juggling chores.

 

I also have to spend a lot more on his care: adult diapers, silicone catheters, urine bags, nutritional drinks (to ensure he still gets his nutrition despite not being able to finish his meals). I now browse for adult diapers on Shopee!

 

Still, I am thankful. Thankful that he may be forgetful at times but not suffering from Alzheimer or trapped in his own world. He’s still lucid. I’m thankful that he can still walk slowly and not wheelchair bound. I’m thankful that I still get to perform prayers with him. I’m thankful that I’m still healthy and able myself to take care of him. Oh, my brothers still haven’t come back to visit. Why even bother having sons? Dad is doing much better now than he was twenty days ago but there are many things that he will no longer do liked drive out to get food or send me half-way every morning.

 

I know I haven’t been the best daughter. I’m rough, I’m not a ladylike girly girl who’s soft and gentle. I used to have a very short fuse but I’ve learned to be patient (still learning). I’m sorry that dad has to put up with me. Well, as of now I don’t have anyone that can help care for me so I still have to work to earn money that will help me hire some caregiver if I reach old age insyaAllah.

 

It’s hard work and I get so tired these days. I have lost weight, easily 2-3 kg. I need a break every now and then too and no one had better stop me or make me feel guilty for taking a well-deserved break. Even caregivers have their off days!

 

I pray that Allah will ease our affairs. Ameen.