UPDATED
My beau asked me if I could accept him as he was. It was not an unreasonable question but for the life of me, I couldn’t quite answer him.
I could accept him now but I don’t know how long I could and would accept his situation until his luck changed, until he got his big break. I don’t know how long I’m prepared to wait until his ship comes in. I don’t know if I have the patience, strength and fortitude to face life’s challenges. Heck, I don’t even know if I would ever be prepared to accept and bear what life has to throw at me, let alone someone else’s life challenges. I suppose that speaks volume about myself but I’ve gotten to this stage in life pretty much alone and for me, there are many things that I want to consider before I tie myself down. Also, I’m too chicken shit and cowardly to consider facing more of life challenges than what I’m currently facing. Do problems shared equal problems halved, or do problems shared mean problems compounded? Being single for this long has made me become very selfish too. Am I prepared to give up my freedom for marriage? What kind of person thinks of all these? Is it wrong for me to want to wait until he is more financially secure? Is it wrong for me to want to have some assurance of financial stability? Way back when, when I thought I had feelings for a mate who has seven younger siblings, I questioned myself if I was prepared to be the eldest daughter-in-law, if I was prepared to have to deal with younger siblings-in-law, and being silly, I thought then that love would conquer all. Of course with the benefit of hindsight, I know now that I would probably not be able to cope with the demands of a traditional local-born Javanese family who would in all likelihood expect their eldest son to be contributing to the family. And I know I’m too selfish and never going to be noble enough to want to support a husband. It might have been fine years ago for me to be part of a young broke couple facing and embarking on our married life together but not now at this stage in my life. I have to admit that I would never be noble enough to be like Siti Khadijah who supported Rasulullah (PBUH). It scares me because life is fragile and can change in an instant and who knows if I will be financially secure myself in a few years’ time. Life is already full of uncertainties as it is and at this age, I’m not really up to dealing with more nasty surprises.
I have always told my ex and current beau that I was and am too afraid to have kids at my age. Sure, other women have been known to give birth well into their late 40s, a few even in their early 50s. But most of them do not give birth to their first born. At my age, I have to consider the possibility of giving birth to a baby with health issues because the later one woman gets married and has kids, the riskier it’d be not only for her but also for her foetus. And I know I’m never going to be strong enough mentally, physically or spiritually to handle it if my child is born deformed or suffering from Down’s Syndrome because I have him/her too late in life. I don’t know if I would ever be willing to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I don’t know if I’m capable of being a mother at this age. My beau raised the possibility of him wanting to have his own kids one day. He has a point and I understand that yes, most married men would want to have their own kids but even if I’m not able or ready or willing to have my own sprog, it doesn’t mean I’m prepared to let my husband remarry. I told him that it would be better and neater then if he just marries someone else, someone younger, someone of child-bearing ability, a girl in her childbearing prime or within the child-bearing stage. Do not marry me knowing my fears about having kids at my age even if it’s biologically possible and then a few years later decide that you still want to have kids and would have to marry another person to have those kids. See how selfish and unreasonable I am? I can’t have them and that means he can’t either, not if he’s married to me. For how can I bear it, how can I bear having my husband marry and have kids with another woman? Am I dignified enough to step back and swallow my tears and feelings quietly? I doubt that. And while I appreciate him for being honest and upfront about this possibility now rather than later, hey, if you’re already thinking of the possibility of wife number two before you’re even married to me, it sounds wrong to me. And I will always have, at the back of my mind, this fear that you will re-marry or marry in secret and have another family on the side.
Oh, don’t get me wrong either. I have wanted to have kids too. A pair of my own offspring. One boy and one girl and I believe that would’ve been enough for me. I didn’t want to ask for too many, I didn’t want to push my luck, I would be thankful with just two. I even had a ready name for my unborn son and told my then boss about it, to which she replied, ‘OK, you’ve decided your son’s name, but what about your husband’s name?’ So, yes, I had wanted kids way even way back when but not now when it might mean my baby would be born with health issues. If I do give birth to a child with health issues, who would be willing to take care of him when I’m gone?
My beau also pointed out that we could be married now if we want to. In Islam, yes, all you need is wali for myself, witnesses, the marriage contract. You don’t need to have an engagement, dowries, big ceremonies, exchange of gifts, etc. After all, a glitzy ceremony does not guarantee an everlasting marriage. But I’m a material girl and is it wrong of me to experience being engaged, to have a reception (I’m perfectly happy with a small one but I’m the youngest and the only one left standing, the endangered species twice over, and knowing my dad, he would want to invite all the relatives and acquaintances), to accept some gifts from his side just like I would give to him? Sure, there are people who are perfectly happy to marry without fuss, without pomp and splendour, and they have my utmost respect. I also told him I’m not ready to get married yet and he asked when I would be ready and what I was waiting for. He’s right, you know. When would I ever be ready? After all this time, why am I still not ready? Will I ever be ready? Does this mean I don’t feel as strongly for him if I’m hesitant to do it now? Because he said that not being ready to get married yet means I can’t accept him as he is. He may have a point. But there are many things for me to consider and getting my dad’s consent and his mother’s approval is the first major hurdle. Because I won’t be a traditional bride or typical daughter-in-law and I don’t come anywhere close to being an eligible bachelorette. And my ever-so-protective dad would also want to make sure that my husband can support me. I have a friend who told me her husband is a house-husband and I was amazed when I found out. Wow. I don’t think I want to have a house-husband though. Like I said, I’m not that noble.
I used to think it would be OK to have a pilot husband so I would also have my own me-time from time to time and when we meet after every few days, our relationship would be stronger than ever. But having experienced dealing with an absentee boyfriend for some time now (he’s now based up north for I don’t know how long), I don’t think I want to live later with an absentee husband too. Oh I know there are hundreds of long-distance couples who make their relationship work but I don’t know if I can stand being a weekend wife and having an absentee husband. Heck, I’m not even sure how couples who work on different shifts make their relationship work. How are you going to take care of me if you are away? Yes, it’s all about me, me, me. I did mention I’m selfish and self-centred, right?
And I also told him that in a few aspects of life, I think of things from a clinical (and cynical?) point of view. I want to think with my head and not just my heart. I want to weigh the pros and cons, the cost and benefits. Should I do something if it means I will be worse off? My view is that I would and should only do things if the benefits outweigh the costs. I don’t want to get married just for the sake of being married but being worse off after that. I believe we should only do something if it benefits and adds value to our life, otherwise why bother? Why should I give up on my freedom and be worse off in a marriage? Of course being single doesn’t mean I am not plagued with problems, heck, I already have enough of them for now. And of course, it’s also likely that I would be better off being married than being single, that my quality of life or health would be better than it is right now. So yes, I’m sorry, but that’s how I look at things now and how I make decisions, rightly or wrongly. Instead of jumping up with joy and immediately saying yes, I have to dissect everything.
I also resent people who think I should just settle down, that I should stop being choosy and fussy, who have the temerity to suggest I should stop looking for my Prince Charming and just accept the first marriage proposal I get. How dare you? How dare you suggest that I compromise my principles and values? I spend time doing grocery shopping so of course I will spend a long agonising time deciding if I should get married to someone or not. And what’s it to you anyway? Are you going to sponsor my wedding reception? Are you going to give me some crystal or china dinnerware as a fantastic wedding present to me? And of course this is why I’m still single because I’m too choosy and fussy. Yes, it would be nice to have someone protecting and supporting me, help me around the house and micasa, help me with my dad, share my dreams and fears, travel together with, talk to, unburden myself, spoil and be spoiled, snuggle and cuddle with. Someone to share the rest of my life with, someone I love and who loves me in return, someone who cares for me, to hug and be hugged, to pamper and be pampered, to understand and be understood, to complement and be complemented, and to share whatever life has to throw at us be it joy, laughter and happiness, or fears, doubts, concerns and worries. I don’t deny all that because I’m still only human after all and I do have feelings and desires, wants and needs. But I’ve somehow managed (or rather struggled) all this while anyway.
I’m scared and I’m scarred. I’m insecure. I’m selfish. I can’t have kids of my own without endangering my life and my foetus but at the same time, my beau cannot consider re-marrying because I don’t think I can accept it. I want security and stability but I’m afraid to take risks. There must be something wrong with me for being so selfish and so self-centred. I ask you, after all this, why would anyone want to be with me? No wonder I’m still single - I over-complicate things (plus I don’t get marriage proposals all that often anyway). I think too much, I worry too much. I’m a worrier warrior at times. I don’t like being one but I have to be responsible for my life. I wish I can just throw caution to the wind, say to hell with the consequences, just get married and hope that the stars will all align, everything will click and fall into place but hey, life is never that simple. Life as a singleton is already challenging as it is. Then again, marriage is not the be all and end all. If you can’t accept me the way I am, the way I think and consider things, then it’s better if we cut our losses now and go our separate ways.
My beau asked me if I could accept him as he was. It was not an unreasonable question but for the life of me, I couldn’t quite answer him.
I could accept him now but I don’t know how long I could and would accept his situation until his luck changed, until he got his big break. I don’t know how long I’m prepared to wait until his ship comes in. I don’t know if I have the patience, strength and fortitude to face life’s challenges. Heck, I don’t even know if I would ever be prepared to accept and bear what life has to throw at me, let alone someone else’s life challenges. I suppose that speaks volume about myself but I’ve gotten to this stage in life pretty much alone and for me, there are many things that I want to consider before I tie myself down. Also, I’m too chicken shit and cowardly to consider facing more of life challenges than what I’m currently facing. Do problems shared equal problems halved, or do problems shared mean problems compounded? Being single for this long has made me become very selfish too. Am I prepared to give up my freedom for marriage? What kind of person thinks of all these? Is it wrong for me to want to wait until he is more financially secure? Is it wrong for me to want to have some assurance of financial stability? Way back when, when I thought I had feelings for a mate who has seven younger siblings, I questioned myself if I was prepared to be the eldest daughter-in-law, if I was prepared to have to deal with younger siblings-in-law, and being silly, I thought then that love would conquer all. Of course with the benefit of hindsight, I know now that I would probably not be able to cope with the demands of a traditional local-born Javanese family who would in all likelihood expect their eldest son to be contributing to the family. And I know I’m too selfish and never going to be noble enough to want to support a husband. It might have been fine years ago for me to be part of a young broke couple facing and embarking on our married life together but not now at this stage in my life. I have to admit that I would never be noble enough to be like Siti Khadijah who supported Rasulullah (PBUH). It scares me because life is fragile and can change in an instant and who knows if I will be financially secure myself in a few years’ time. Life is already full of uncertainties as it is and at this age, I’m not really up to dealing with more nasty surprises.
I have always told my ex and current beau that I was and am too afraid to have kids at my age. Sure, other women have been known to give birth well into their late 40s, a few even in their early 50s. But most of them do not give birth to their first born. At my age, I have to consider the possibility of giving birth to a baby with health issues because the later one woman gets married and has kids, the riskier it’d be not only for her but also for her foetus. And I know I’m never going to be strong enough mentally, physically or spiritually to handle it if my child is born deformed or suffering from Down’s Syndrome because I have him/her too late in life. I don’t know if I would ever be willing to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I don’t know if I’m capable of being a mother at this age. My beau raised the possibility of him wanting to have his own kids one day. He has a point and I understand that yes, most married men would want to have their own kids but even if I’m not able or ready or willing to have my own sprog, it doesn’t mean I’m prepared to let my husband remarry. I told him that it would be better and neater then if he just marries someone else, someone younger, someone of child-bearing ability, a girl in her childbearing prime or within the child-bearing stage. Do not marry me knowing my fears about having kids at my age even if it’s biologically possible and then a few years later decide that you still want to have kids and would have to marry another person to have those kids. See how selfish and unreasonable I am? I can’t have them and that means he can’t either, not if he’s married to me. For how can I bear it, how can I bear having my husband marry and have kids with another woman? Am I dignified enough to step back and swallow my tears and feelings quietly? I doubt that. And while I appreciate him for being honest and upfront about this possibility now rather than later, hey, if you’re already thinking of the possibility of wife number two before you’re even married to me, it sounds wrong to me. And I will always have, at the back of my mind, this fear that you will re-marry or marry in secret and have another family on the side.
Oh, don’t get me wrong either. I have wanted to have kids too. A pair of my own offspring. One boy and one girl and I believe that would’ve been enough for me. I didn’t want to ask for too many, I didn’t want to push my luck, I would be thankful with just two. I even had a ready name for my unborn son and told my then boss about it, to which she replied, ‘OK, you’ve decided your son’s name, but what about your husband’s name?’ So, yes, I had wanted kids way even way back when but not now when it might mean my baby would be born with health issues. If I do give birth to a child with health issues, who would be willing to take care of him when I’m gone?
My beau also pointed out that we could be married now if we want to. In Islam, yes, all you need is wali for myself, witnesses, the marriage contract. You don’t need to have an engagement, dowries, big ceremonies, exchange of gifts, etc. After all, a glitzy ceremony does not guarantee an everlasting marriage. But I’m a material girl and is it wrong of me to experience being engaged, to have a reception (I’m perfectly happy with a small one but I’m the youngest and the only one left standing, the endangered species twice over, and knowing my dad, he would want to invite all the relatives and acquaintances), to accept some gifts from his side just like I would give to him? Sure, there are people who are perfectly happy to marry without fuss, without pomp and splendour, and they have my utmost respect. I also told him I’m not ready to get married yet and he asked when I would be ready and what I was waiting for. He’s right, you know. When would I ever be ready? After all this time, why am I still not ready? Will I ever be ready? Does this mean I don’t feel as strongly for him if I’m hesitant to do it now? Because he said that not being ready to get married yet means I can’t accept him as he is. He may have a point. But there are many things for me to consider and getting my dad’s consent and his mother’s approval is the first major hurdle. Because I won’t be a traditional bride or typical daughter-in-law and I don’t come anywhere close to being an eligible bachelorette. And my ever-so-protective dad would also want to make sure that my husband can support me. I have a friend who told me her husband is a house-husband and I was amazed when I found out. Wow. I don’t think I want to have a house-husband though. Like I said, I’m not that noble.
I used to think it would be OK to have a pilot husband so I would also have my own me-time from time to time and when we meet after every few days, our relationship would be stronger than ever. But having experienced dealing with an absentee boyfriend for some time now (he’s now based up north for I don’t know how long), I don’t think I want to live later with an absentee husband too. Oh I know there are hundreds of long-distance couples who make their relationship work but I don’t know if I can stand being a weekend wife and having an absentee husband. Heck, I’m not even sure how couples who work on different shifts make their relationship work. How are you going to take care of me if you are away? Yes, it’s all about me, me, me. I did mention I’m selfish and self-centred, right?
And I also told him that in a few aspects of life, I think of things from a clinical (and cynical?) point of view. I want to think with my head and not just my heart. I want to weigh the pros and cons, the cost and benefits. Should I do something if it means I will be worse off? My view is that I would and should only do things if the benefits outweigh the costs. I don’t want to get married just for the sake of being married but being worse off after that. I believe we should only do something if it benefits and adds value to our life, otherwise why bother? Why should I give up on my freedom and be worse off in a marriage? Of course being single doesn’t mean I am not plagued with problems, heck, I already have enough of them for now. And of course, it’s also likely that I would be better off being married than being single, that my quality of life or health would be better than it is right now. So yes, I’m sorry, but that’s how I look at things now and how I make decisions, rightly or wrongly. Instead of jumping up with joy and immediately saying yes, I have to dissect everything.
I also resent people who think I should just settle down, that I should stop being choosy and fussy, who have the temerity to suggest I should stop looking for my Prince Charming and just accept the first marriage proposal I get. How dare you? How dare you suggest that I compromise my principles and values? I spend time doing grocery shopping so of course I will spend a long agonising time deciding if I should get married to someone or not. And what’s it to you anyway? Are you going to sponsor my wedding reception? Are you going to give me some crystal or china dinnerware as a fantastic wedding present to me? And of course this is why I’m still single because I’m too choosy and fussy. Yes, it would be nice to have someone protecting and supporting me, help me around the house and micasa, help me with my dad, share my dreams and fears, travel together with, talk to, unburden myself, spoil and be spoiled, snuggle and cuddle with. Someone to share the rest of my life with, someone I love and who loves me in return, someone who cares for me, to hug and be hugged, to pamper and be pampered, to understand and be understood, to complement and be complemented, and to share whatever life has to throw at us be it joy, laughter and happiness, or fears, doubts, concerns and worries. I don’t deny all that because I’m still only human after all and I do have feelings and desires, wants and needs. But I’ve somehow managed (or rather struggled) all this while anyway.
I’m scared and I’m scarred. I’m insecure. I’m selfish. I can’t have kids of my own without endangering my life and my foetus but at the same time, my beau cannot consider re-marrying because I don’t think I can accept it. I want security and stability but I’m afraid to take risks. There must be something wrong with me for being so selfish and so self-centred. I ask you, after all this, why would anyone want to be with me? No wonder I’m still single - I over-complicate things (plus I don’t get marriage proposals all that often anyway). I think too much, I worry too much. I’m a worrier warrior at times. I don’t like being one but I have to be responsible for my life. I wish I can just throw caution to the wind, say to hell with the consequences, just get married and hope that the stars will all align, everything will click and fall into place but hey, life is never that simple. Life as a singleton is already challenging as it is. Then again, marriage is not the be all and end all. If you can’t accept me the way I am, the way I think and consider things, then it’s better if we cut our losses now and go our separate ways.
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