I wasn’t ready to be alone.
I wasn’t ready to say good-bye.
I wasn’t ready to be without you.
I wasn’t ready to lose you.
I wasn’t ready to live life without you.
I wasn’t ready at all.
I wasn’t prepared for this pain and heartache.
I wasn’t prepared for your absence.
Sometimes I still look around for you.
Sometimes I still hear your voice.
Sometimes I would think of asking for your advice and confiding in you.
But you are just not here anymore.
And there is nothing I can do about it.
How can this pain continue for so long?
How much longer can I bear this?
Will this pain ever leave me?
How long will it be until I can see you again?
As it is, I hardly ever dream of you anymore.
I miss you so, so, so very much, Mummy.
If you were to see me now, I hope I haven’t disappointed you too much.
I want to make you so proud of me.
I shall remember all your advice and words of wisdom.
I shall try to make you proud of me.
I shall live my life the best way I know how.
I want you to be proud of me.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for you.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you.
But of late, the pain is so intense and is fresh again.
I would’ve thought that after nine years of separation, it would be less painful.
I thought the pain would lessen and become a dull pain but no. It’s still raw and deep.
Boy, was I wrong.
I have been so bereft, lost, adrift all this while, without you, Mummy.
Sometimes I feel like this blog and Twitter are the only outlets I have to channel my pain, grief, sorrow and anguish. I want to talk to someone but other people have their own problems too and I don’t want to impose. And some people just aren’t there for me.
~~~~~~~~
Last night, I was thinking about Mummy in bed when I suddenly started sobbing and crying like my heart would break all over again. I just miss her so much.
Last Wednesday night, I dreamt that we were missing Mummy. We were all looking for her. There were traces of her around, her clothes, her small pillow. But we couldn’t find her despite hunting high and low for her. It seemed that she had just disappeared and vanished into thin air. Then I woke up and the first thing I told myself was that she had already left us nine years ago. And no matter how hard I try and how much I miss her, she’ll never be back.
And on the following day (Halloween’s Day), I thought of her as I was walking home and tears immediately welled unbidden. I wondered how my sister felt about her absence as she and Mummy were very close. If I hurt this badly, surely my sister hurts even more.
Oh Allah, why does it hurt again and again every single time? Why doesn’t this pain lessen? Will it ever lessen? How long will I be in bereavement?
I wasn’t ready to say good-bye.
I wasn’t ready to be without you.
I wasn’t ready to lose you.
I wasn’t ready to live life without you.
I wasn’t ready at all.
I wasn’t prepared for this pain and heartache.
I wasn’t prepared for your absence.
Sometimes I still look around for you.
Sometimes I still hear your voice.
Sometimes I would think of asking for your advice and confiding in you.
But you are just not here anymore.
And there is nothing I can do about it.
How can this pain continue for so long?
How much longer can I bear this?
Will this pain ever leave me?
How long will it be until I can see you again?
As it is, I hardly ever dream of you anymore.
I miss you so, so, so very much, Mummy.
If you were to see me now, I hope I haven’t disappointed you too much.
I want to make you so proud of me.
I shall remember all your advice and words of wisdom.
I shall try to make you proud of me.
I shall live my life the best way I know how.
I want you to be proud of me.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for you.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you.
But of late, the pain is so intense and is fresh again.
I would’ve thought that after nine years of separation, it would be less painful.
I thought the pain would lessen and become a dull pain but no. It’s still raw and deep.
Boy, was I wrong.
I have been so bereft, lost, adrift all this while, without you, Mummy.
Sometimes I feel like this blog and Twitter are the only outlets I have to channel my pain, grief, sorrow and anguish. I want to talk to someone but other people have their own problems too and I don’t want to impose. And some people just aren’t there for me.
~~~~~~~~
Last night, I was thinking about Mummy in bed when I suddenly started sobbing and crying like my heart would break all over again. I just miss her so much.
Last Wednesday night, I dreamt that we were missing Mummy. We were all looking for her. There were traces of her around, her clothes, her small pillow. But we couldn’t find her despite hunting high and low for her. It seemed that she had just disappeared and vanished into thin air. Then I woke up and the first thing I told myself was that she had already left us nine years ago. And no matter how hard I try and how much I miss her, she’ll never be back.
And on the following day (Halloween’s Day), I thought of her as I was walking home and tears immediately welled unbidden. I wondered how my sister felt about her absence as she and Mummy were very close. If I hurt this badly, surely my sister hurts even more.
Oh Allah, why does it hurt again and again every single time? Why doesn’t this pain lessen? Will it ever lessen? How long will I be in bereavement?
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