2018 hasn’t been a great one personal-wise. It
was a year filled with heartache, disappointment, frustration, grief, anguish,
disillusionment and more. It was a challenging, frustrating, testing,
trying, tiring year for me. I also felt
abandoned, betrayed, neglected, cheated, taken for a ride, taken advantage of,
let down, lied to, manipulated, deceived by someone I thought I could trust. I
was and still am in equal parts worried and concerned over dad and angry at him
for not taking better care of himself when he was younger, the circumstances,
his failing health, and my brothers. I felt weary, tired, exhausted, beat,
knackered, emotionally spent, drained. I had to deal with work, dad, siblings,
managing/maintaining/cleaning two households, betrayal and deceit. There were
times when I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I also found myself often thinking of death of
late. Thinking of what the others will have to sift through settling my estate.
Thinking of my old age if I live that long, of care, assisted living, being
frail and dependent. Depressing, sombre thoughts. Of being alone but hey what
else is new? While being alone does not equate being lonely, it would be sad if
I were to die all alone. I heard of this one man who died and his body was only
discovered days later and all because he lived all by himself. I really hope
that won’t happen to me, ameen. Life sucks. Being an adult sucks. Being the
only single daughter to an aging increasingly frail dad sucks. Having
irresponsible brothers sucks. Being sick and growing old sucks. Being cheated
and deceived and lied to sucks.
If
there is one thing I re-learnt in 2018, it’s gratitude. I met two speakers who
stressed on being grateful for what we have. So I try to do that. Sure, my dad
is not well but at least he’s still mobile. He can walk using a cane. He can
still perform prayers and handle his own personal hygiene. He has an eye stroke
but he can still see from his other eye and he has taken up to driving to the
madrasah and neighbourhood shops. He has prostrate problem and uses a catheter
for the past year and while he has to go through the inconvenience of it
dangling next to him and replacing it every fortnight but hey at least it’s not
cancer. I have always practised gratitude but more on a larger scale and now I
look at all these little things that make me grateful.
And
yes, I’m thankful too that I now know more of human nature, having experienced
it first-hand. How some people can lie to you without flinching, betray you
without a second thought, cheat you, take you for a ride and just take you for
granted. At least it will give me some bitter experience and teach me a lesson.
Although I could do without all that, thank you very much.
Of
course the year wasn’t all bad. And I still kept abreast of the developments in
Syria, Yemen, Palestine and other parts of the world. I’m not that selfish and
self-absorbed to think that I was the only one with personal problems, of
course not! There are many other people who have more pressing, critical and
serious problems than I do. And I still managed to squeeze in some trips too
and managed to visit eight new countries, alhamdulillah:
January:
flew to Algiers at month-end
February:
Came back from Algeria
March:
Didn’t manage any trip ;(
April:
Flew to Busan towards the end of the month
May:
Came back from Busan on Labour Day
June:
Didn’t manage any trip ;(
July:
Celebrated my birthday in Nha Trang and went to meet Arsenal in Singapore
August:
Didn’t manage any trip ;(
September:
Went to the Caucasus (finally!) and then to Italy and back home via London.
Attended a department learning programme at eRya Bentong at month-end
October:
Flew to Kota Bharu for a brief weekend visit to my niece
November:
Went to Melaka for a short weekend visit to my mate and revisited Kuching (finally,
after a couple of years of planning) the following weekend
December:
Flew to Zimbabwe and on to Zambia, Botswana and flew back from South Africa
Arsenal
bade farewell to Wenger and had a new manager come in. I’m not convinced yet
with Emery especially if we’re going to lose Ramsey and he can’t even manage
Ozil. I did go to Singapore to watch them in July although I have stopped being
emotionally invested and affected by them. There was a long period when I didn’t
watch them and it didn’t feel like my world changed much anyway.
I
managed to read 155 books compared to 150 books in 2016 and 2017, a record so
far!
I
have jumped off the jogging bandwagon but am determined to pick it up again. I can’t
promise I will stop eating junk food but I will continue trying to eat
healthily otherwise. I want to live simply, consume less and experience more. I
want to take the lead and be a driver for change. I want to stand up for my
beliefs and challenge the dinosaur thoughts that some have when it comes to resource
consumption.
Anyway,
Happy New Year 2019. May this year be better than the previous years. May this
year bring us all much joy, happiness, love, iman, peace, good health, wealth,
success, prosperity and good fortune. May we have enough trials and challenges
that build our courage and make us stronger instead of frustrating and
overwhelming us. May we be strong enough to face come what may, insyaAllah, and
may Allah keep us safe and in His care, ameen.
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