In
Love Story, Jenny told Oliver that love means never having to say you’re sorry.
What do you think? This author is of the view that ‘love means never having to
say you’re sorry’ means you know you are truly loved and accepted for who you
are. And that in order to give this kind of love to another, we must first have
to love and accept ourselves with the loving compassion, understanding and zero
self-judgment. Only after we have peeled the layers of ego, self-protective
walls, egoistic responses and self-manipulation that we think we need to have
in order to be accepted and loved can we then love another purely. The same author also
believes that when you love someone, you know in your heart that you love never
died. You can fell their presence in your heart even if they are out of your
life. Maybe that applies to those whose loved ones have passed.
I
agree with her that true love is unconditional. It’s where we can accept and
allow the other to make mistake, falter and stumble. It’s also where we are
allowed make mistakes, falter and stumble ourselves. Love carries no judgement
or manipulation. No ego or need for ego gratification.
But
love should never been taken for granted either. You have to keep working at
it. You have to keep nurturing it. I love myself too much to want to stand back and allow myself to be
mistreated and disrespected. I refuse to be accepted to be treated like shit,
to be ignored, like I don’t matter. It’s not decent, it’s not nice, it’s
definitely not gentlemanly or courteous. No one has to the right to treat a
girl with disrespect and badly. Even my dad, old-fashioned as he can be, treats
my sister and me with respect (maybe it’s because he’s old-fashioned that he
treats us with courtesy and love).
Am
I so bad that I can’t be talked to or confided in, have things discussed with? Am
I so arrogant, egotistical, unreasonable, hard to talk to that you can’t share
your problems with me? Am I so scary that you can’t approach me – which is ironic
because it was you who approached me back then? Why is it so hard for you to be open with me, to talk to me, and express yourself?
I’ve
had it with trying to be understanding, giving allowances and putting up with and
giving second chances for shitty behaviour. Oh, sure I know I’m not perfect
either. In fact, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an easy person to love with:
I’m fussy, I have a hot temper, I have emo yoyo and I’m stubborn. And I know, I
know, I’m all wrong for you. But on my part, I try hard to be compassionate and
understanding of your problems, of your dark past. The past is past and we
should all learn from it but leave it behind where it belonged and never ever to
resurrect it.
I’m
not the clingy type, I don’t think I want to spend 24/7 with you, I want my own
me-time as I’m sure you want yours. After all, time spent apart means that time
is needed in order to grow. So it’s not that I smother and suffocate you with
my presence. Of course I would expect there to be changes had we got married such
as cutting down time with your friends or loafing out and spending too goddamn
long on social media.
If
you don’t care for or appreciate my friendship, then fine. At least have the decency
to let me know if this thing has come to an end, if you no longer have feelings
for me, if I’ve done anything wrong. Don’t be mute, unreachable and remote when
I ask something. Men hate it when women nag and yet when women ask men, they
remain mute and ignore women. So women have no choice but to repeat and repeat their
question or request which men in turn interpret as nagging. So the problem
actually originates from men themselves but as usual they’re too blind and dumb
to see it for themselves!
I’ve
shed enough tears, I’ve worried and fretted enough, I’ve wondered and pondered
what I’ve done wrong. Well, I don’t want to care anymore. Just walk out of my
life and leave me alone. I don’t want to be with someone who takes me for
granted. If I’m to blame, at least let me know so I can learn from and rectify
my error so I won’t repeat it. If this is supposed to be love, then I don’t
want to be a part of it.
It’s
a good thing all these resurfaced now and not later. On this Mid-Autumn Festival
day with the full moon and all, what I have instead is a total eclipse of the
heart.
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