Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Visiting Etiquette

I thought it’d be apt to touch on visiting etiquette (as some of us are still in Eid celebrating mood) and yes, this post is also inspired by Chef Wan’s recent Instagram post.

As Chef Wan mentioned, do give the hosts some time to spend quality family time together especially on the morning of the first day of Eid before descending upon them. Be considerate and mindful that the hosts would also like to seek forgiveness from each other and take family photos together. After all, the hosts may not meet each other as frequently as they would have liked either and as everyone are together and all donning new clothes, of course they would like to capture that moment. Guests can start visiting after 10:30 or 11:00 and no later than 21:00.

Do not expect too much from the hosts. The intention of visiting is to reinforce the relationship with the hosts, to seek forgiveness and wish each other well. Not solely to eat. If there is good food, Alhamdulillah, that’s a bonus. If not, simple cookies should suffice. Don’t make the hosts feel pressured into going out of their way to prepare special dishes for you especially if you come to visit after the second day of Eid.

Do not overstay. Sure, you want to spend time together with the hosts, to catch up and reminisce the good old days but remember that the hosts may have had other obligations or engagements that they’re too polite to mention to you. Our good neighbours once visited until way past 11:00 pm and while I love them and all, I had to stay up to wait for them to leave (I have to pass the hall to get to my bedroom). I had to sleep and get up early the next day to go to work (they’re pensioners and don’t have the need to rush home). I’ve had a particular cousin who once came in the afternoon and stayed on until it was dusk so of course we invited her and family to perform Maghrib prayers together as we didn’t want them to miss the prayers should they suddenly be caught in an unexpected crawl on their way home. They finally left after 9 pm. I think they were expecting us to invite them to stay for dinner (I was also getting hungry by then) but I didn’t as we only had enough food for the two of us for dinner. Abah was also prevented from going to the madrasah as he is wont to do every evening.

If you bring small children or toddlers, do keep a sharp eye on them. Make sure they behave and not run amok in the hosts’ house. Make sure they do not pile too much on their plates (and same goes to the parents/guardians too!) and they do not spill any food or drinks anywhere. Some parents these days are content to watch their little terrors run around the house, terrorising the hosts’ pets, opening up cupboards and drawers etc. and doing nothing about it. If anything, they seem proud to have bred those little monsters. They shrug off any feelings of guilt by saying they are kids after all, let them play. They are blind, mute and deaf to the destruction of their precious monsters. If that was me, I’d be given an evil side eye by Mummy. We were all disciplined by our parents when we were small (I sure do hope so!) so why don’t we also discipline our offspring? Why would we want others to label our children as unruly and lacking discipline? And surely you don’t want to leave the hosts feeling angry and stressed after your visit at the stains and any ruined furniture. You wouldn’t take it kindly if that had happened to your home either.

Do give your hosts ample notice of your intended visit instead of just barging in. This is to save them any embarrassment of maybe having an untidy house, being indecently dressed to receive guests or being unable to play hosts because they are unwell. Having given notice, by no means though should you expect the hosts to be serving special dishes when you have given notice of your visit; after all, the visit is to reinforce your relationship and to catch up with each other.

Do be punctual and respect your hosts’ time. The same cousin I mentioned earlier once rang to say she was coming with her family in the afternoon around 3 pm. I forewent my siesta and fried some pastries and then sat down to wait. And we waited and waited until they finally showed up well after 5:30 pm. I was not best pleased to have been denied my siesta and how selfish could she get anyway? What made her think we didn’t have any plans for the evening? Did she think we’d be happy to still receive her visit if she had arrived at 8 pm too? Just last Friday, my sister-in-law told my sister that she and family would be coming on Saturday morning. My poor sister went to the market early on Saturday and began to cook and cook for hours. And guess what? They finally showed up after 3 and left before 4:30 pm! It’s such a blinking shame that Malays being Muslims place such low importance on time and their word of promise and have no respect and consideration for others’ time.

Ever since Mummy left us and I moved back home, I made it a point not to cook for guests, including my brothers and their families. First off, I hate cooking and secondly, I’m not going to slave in the kitchen. It’s all I can do to maintain my sanity by going to work (travelling to/fro work and being at work already takes an average of 12 hours) and maintaining two houses. I’m sorry but there’s only one of me to do everything at home and micasa (cooking, ironing, sweeping inside and outside the house, watering plants, changing bed linens and curtains etc.) and I’m not going to spend any limited time I have left cooking. Some guests are wise enough to realise this and come bringing food. To them, I say thank you for your understanding and kind gesture. Otherwise, perhaps it would be better to head out to a coffee shop or a cosy restaurant; this way, both the guests and hosts can catch up without any interruption. And any children that are included would usually (hopefully) behave better in a public setting.


Let’s strive to be both good hosts and guests, shall we, to make any visit a fruitful one and to reinforce the relationship between the two parties. That is the intention of visiting each other after all.