It has been two years since I last saw her. Two years since I last talked, chatted, held, cared for and looked after her. Two years since she last spoke to me and prayed for me.
It’s been two years and I still miss her every single day. Terribly, badly, acutely. And I miss her especially now because tomorrow will be exactly two years since she left.
At this stage in my life, I still need her to talk to, to check things with, to gossip tales from the office or whatever I noticed during my shopping trips or travels, to share with her generally anything. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, ‘Oh, let me talk to her’ or ‘Wait until I tell her about this!’ only to then realise that she’s no longer here with us.
I told myself that I want to try celebrate her life instead of mourning or grieving for her but it’s been hard these past few days.
And I find myself sad and unhappy all over again when I think of the things that I won’t be able to do with her, the part of my life I can no longer share with her, the things she will not be able to witness.
I like to think that she can still hear me and that she watches over me because I still talk to her. It’s just not the same anymore of course - nothing will ever be the same again - because it’s now a one-sided conversation, a monologue. She can’t offer me advice or her opinion anymore and I miss that because sometimes I feel so lost and alone. So I resort to talking to her and God (as I have always done). I tell her about my day and about how much I miss her. I just wish she can communicate back to me, in dreams for instance.
Rest in peace, Mummy dearest. I miss you so, so much. It’s crazy and perhaps stupid but I wish you can always be with me every step of the way. But that’s not possible, is it. And now I have to try to live my life without you. I don’t know how I’ve fared these two years. I know I’m barely surviving, just about living one day to the next. I find that when I keep myself and my mind busy, I don’t mourn so much. Sure, I still think of you but not in a sad way. It’s times like these when I find it challenging trying to celebrate your life instead of mourning over you.
I hope one day I will stop mourning and grieving over you. It doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you or that I have stopped missing you but that I am finally able to accept your passing, that your life had been rich, fulfilled, satisfactory and not in wanting, and that I should accept that death is very much a part of life for the living. Oh I know all that already. But for me, it’s not easy yet to just remember you without feeling a pang of pain. Even when I think back of our trips together, I still find myself wishing we could go on more trips together instead of just remembering the trips with fondness.
One day soon, I hope, I shall be able to really celebrate your life and say that you had a good one and that I would live my life as you would want me to. After all, you would want us to continue living and to live our lives to the fullest. And even while we do that, you would still always be in our hearts. Always and forever.
It’s been two years and I still miss her every single day. Terribly, badly, acutely. And I miss her especially now because tomorrow will be exactly two years since she left.
At this stage in my life, I still need her to talk to, to check things with, to gossip tales from the office or whatever I noticed during my shopping trips or travels, to share with her generally anything. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, ‘Oh, let me talk to her’ or ‘Wait until I tell her about this!’ only to then realise that she’s no longer here with us.
I told myself that I want to try celebrate her life instead of mourning or grieving for her but it’s been hard these past few days.
And I find myself sad and unhappy all over again when I think of the things that I won’t be able to do with her, the part of my life I can no longer share with her, the things she will not be able to witness.
I like to think that she can still hear me and that she watches over me because I still talk to her. It’s just not the same anymore of course - nothing will ever be the same again - because it’s now a one-sided conversation, a monologue. She can’t offer me advice or her opinion anymore and I miss that because sometimes I feel so lost and alone. So I resort to talking to her and God (as I have always done). I tell her about my day and about how much I miss her. I just wish she can communicate back to me, in dreams for instance.
Rest in peace, Mummy dearest. I miss you so, so much. It’s crazy and perhaps stupid but I wish you can always be with me every step of the way. But that’s not possible, is it. And now I have to try to live my life without you. I don’t know how I’ve fared these two years. I know I’m barely surviving, just about living one day to the next. I find that when I keep myself and my mind busy, I don’t mourn so much. Sure, I still think of you but not in a sad way. It’s times like these when I find it challenging trying to celebrate your life instead of mourning over you.
I hope one day I will stop mourning and grieving over you. It doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you or that I have stopped missing you but that I am finally able to accept your passing, that your life had been rich, fulfilled, satisfactory and not in wanting, and that I should accept that death is very much a part of life for the living. Oh I know all that already. But for me, it’s not easy yet to just remember you without feeling a pang of pain. Even when I think back of our trips together, I still find myself wishing we could go on more trips together instead of just remembering the trips with fondness.
One day soon, I hope, I shall be able to really celebrate your life and say that you had a good one and that I would live my life as you would want me to. After all, you would want us to continue living and to live our lives to the fullest. And even while we do that, you would still always be in our hearts. Always and forever.
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