Ahh!!! My Eye!!!

I know I haven’t been posting regularly of late. It’s not because I don’t have anything to write for I do have things to share and get off my chest. But somehow I seem to lose the ability to weave that into words. Writer’s block? It can’t be that when I can’t call myself a writer seeing all I do is just rant.

Do I have it?

It’s been just over a month since Mummy left and I miss her more than ever. I still cry occasionally and did more than my fair share last weekend (Arsenal’s defeat to the hated Spuds certainly didn’t help much. Damn you Arsenal for losing when we were leading by two goals. It hurt when we lost after leading by two goals, at home, to Spuds who had never won on Arsenal soil in 17 blinking years. I was so mad I sent many tweets to the club. And now we just lost another CL match. Brilliant. This Arsenal team will be the death of me. Wil the real Arsenal team please stand up already?). So when I felt some pain in my right eye yesterday, I thought it was because I cried too much over the weekend. It still hurt this morning so I braved myself and paid the doctor a visit.

She told me I have abscess in my eye. What? What? No wonder it hurts like crazy. She gave me some cream and anti-biotics and pills to chew. I have stopped taking anti-biotics for some time now but the pain is such that I will make an exception here.

For someone who’s afraid of pain, I seem to have doses of it of late.

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After a quiet November on the travelling front (and a disappointing footie month on the Arsenal front), I can’t wait for the month to end already. And as of now, it looks like I’ll be resuming my travels soon. I can’t wait. I won’t leave Abah alone for long anyway and besides, I still have my life to live. Even Mummy would understand that. Parents would not want us to stop living (although I think there are parents who want their children to live their lives or rather their dreams for them and I think this is wrong) or stop pursuing our interests.

What A Difference A Day Makes

I haven’t watched a movie in ages; the last movie was Inception way back when. I’ve been wanting to watch Red for a while and only managed to find an agreeable time on Saturday. I need something to cheer myself up and what better venue than KLCC where I can also indulge in a spot of retail therapy after the movie. I enjoyed the movie and laughed at some scenes. Highly recommended.

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We visited Mummy on Sunday morning. Abah wanted to leave before the sun rose high and I hastily gathered some flowers from the garden to bring. I still feel sad that she’s down there in another world and we’re up here. I pray I will meet her again, even if it’s in a dream. Adek misses you so much, Mummy. What a difference a month makes; you were with us then and now you’re gone ;’(

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I’ve been trying to encourage a colleague to master English. She does attend some English classes but I don’t think her English has improved that tremendously. I have advised her before that she must start to think and talk in English and she said that was what her English teacher said too. Recently, lent her a novel written in simple English and not too difficult. I was surprised to find the novel in my tray yesterday morning; she had returned it without even reading a page. I felt a mixture of anger, disappointment and frustration that my attempt to help had been rejected and without a valid reason too. I asked her why she returned the book and she said she doesn’t have the time to read it. Not even during the long time spent commuting into the city? She replied she prefers reading Quranic verses on the way to work and is usually too tired to attempt reading on the way home. I asked if she could change her routine by reading the novel in the morning and the prayers on the way home and she questioned why I felt I had to change her routine. I was taken aback and said I was merely suggesting that she change her routine/ritual; to me, there’s nothing wrong with change as long as she gets her daily prayers done, I don’t see any problem with it and I don’t think God will. She remained obstinate and said she’s used to the routine. Finally I told her that I too read Quranic verses on my way to work and yet still try to find time to read too. After all, you don’t just have to read Quranic verses; if you read something, it’s also considered ibadah - just like you don’t have to sit at the prayer mat the whole day because work in any form is also considered ibadah. I then muttered that it seemed like she’s giving excuses not to read the novel (oh, my children might tear up the book; I might end up borrowing it too long (to which I replied, my sister borrows my books for years); I don’t have the time...).

You know what? Fine. Remain this way for all I care. Reject any help or attempt to help you improve your English. Better still, prepare some ready excuses to answer back. Some people just don’t want to help themselves.

Oh, and your excuses are simply irritating.

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Finally, a bit on Arsenal – I can’t go too long without talking about Arsenal: it provides me sanity, grief, joy, heartache, despair, cardiac arrest etc (and yet, as hazardous and dangerous as it is to my health, I still go back and watch them play again). After the let-down at home last weekend, who would have thought Arsenal would close the gap with Chelshit to two points from a potentially eight-point gap? That’s football for you. A day can make a difference (and Ibra thinks so too) so think what a difference a week can make. Of course, I know that had we not drawn at Sunderland (or missed the penalty) or lost to WBA or Newcastle, we would have been runaway leaders by now. But I’m just happy we picked ourselves up and gunned down the Wolves with two shots with Chamakh scoring the fastest goal for the club and Cesc apologising after the match and that we repeated our fantastic away form (except for that trip to Sunderland) at Goodison Park, holding off a late fight back from Everton to claim all three valuable points.

Chamakh made a bookend record

I was so happy to see Sagna score

And my baby scored too!

Eid Mubarak to all Muslims.

Nothing Lasts Forever, Even Cold November Rain

The past few weekends had been back-breaking tiring and it looks like things will continue to be challenging in the next few weeks as we make adjustments and try to deal with our bereavement and grief. I’m not ashamed to admit that I still cry everyday. Sometimes I don’t know what I cry for. I know Mummy left in a good way: she went peacefully and didn’t suffer much, just the kind of death she wished for. So I didn’t cry over the way she left but I guess I cry more because of the suddenness of her departure, the deep loss I feel and the lost feeling I have at times. I don’t think I’m being selfish for wanting her to stay but of course I know she can’t stay forever. After all, nothing lasts forever... even cold November rain.

Everyone commented on how strong Abah has been, especially since he just mourned over the passing of my brother in April. What I mean is that Abah may no longer be strong physically but he is strong mentally and spiritually and he’s a pious man who believes that things happen because they are pre-destined to happen. And nothing we can do will stop God’s will. No amount of tears will bring Mummy back and even though I know this, it doesn’t stop me from crying, mourning and grieving.

Life will never go back to how we knew it but we have to accept it and move on. Akak and I have been busying ourselves clearing some of Mummy’s stuff. I’m taller than Mummy and hence while I can fit into her clothes, the sleeves are too short and the sarong too loose for me. So we’re giving some of her clothes away and still storing some others. Sometimes I think it’s too soon to clear Mummy’s stuff but it has to be done sooner or later and I’d rather do that and pre-occupy myself by being busy than to dwell on the pain. We have cleared the kitchen cabinets and drawers and some of her clothes. We still have a cupboard or two left to tackle and her handbags too. She also has a collection of crocheted items and a vast collection of bed- and table-linen and crockery.

I also now have a deep admiration for those maidless working mothers. How do they juggle their family and office lives, tending to the demands of family and work and stay sane? I’m trying to keep two houses in order and do other household chores (like ironing) for Abah too now and while it’s still early days, I’m not sure if I can cope.

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When I sit down and clear away Mummy’s stuff, sometimes I’m struck with the thinking that I don’t want to buy anything anymore ever again because you leave them all behind anyway when you die (I had this thought too when I came back from Haj). But that’s being silly because those alive have to go on living and consuming so why deny yourself life’s pleasures while you’re alive? Mummy always told me to spend on myself and not to insult myself by settling for fake goods and I shall continue to observe her advice. Live while you’re still alive. Indulge yourself while you’re still alive. You deserve it and it doesn’t make you a snob. After all, you don’t know when you will suddenly stop being able to enjoy life. Nothing lasts forever, especially life.

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I had made plans to travel over the long weekend and spent a lot of time and thought pondering where to go. Finally, I bought train tickets to travel up north and across the border. I have had to re-think and cancel my plan when Mummy left but as divine intervention would have it, it started flooding in the northern states in the middle of last week and on Thursday morning, I heard train services were cancelled. Well, at least I could get a 100% refund from KTMB.

I still want to travel but it looks like November will be a stay-at-home month for me. I’m reluctant to leave Abah alone. Not that I think he can’t take it for he’s much stronger than me mentally and spiritually but because I don’t think it’s right for me to start travelling yet. I still want to travel of course and would now have to make arrangements so that he won’t be left alone for long periods of time (again, it’s not because I don’t think he cannot survive alone; it’s just that he and Mummy were married for such a long time that her absence would surely have some effect on him). Knowing Abah, he’d insist everything is alright.

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I have hoped that football (or Arsenal) will cheer me up but the run of wins seems to have come to a halt now that it’s November, traditionally a difficult month for Arsenal. The performance last night was dismal, and Cesc and Chamakh were a shadow of their usual selves. It doesn’t help that we have eight matches in this cold month. Still, I hope that the back-to-back defeats will not last. After all, nothing lasts forever, right.

Come on Arsenal, cheer me up. Don’t you dare depress or distress me more than you already have.