Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door

We visited my brother Saturday evening and I was shocked to see the dramatic change in him. He looked somewhat gaunt with shrunken cheekbones and so much thinner. Sure he has always been thin but he looked thinner than thin now. And he looked somewhat aged too. I had to look away to hide my tears. Oh, I’m not naïve enough to think that he would look better, the very picture of health, and I had expected his battle against the disease to have taken its toll but still... it really shocked me to see him such a shadow of his former self.

When I last saw him, he still looked like he had things under control; only close observation would betray his pain. But this time, he really did look pained and it pained me to see him that way. He feels like he’s troubling and burdening those around him and for a fiercely independent person, being helpless and having to depend on anyone now must be loathsome.

I don’t know how much pain he is suffering; indeed I don’t know the pain of the C-disease. It is a throbbing pain or is it an intense stabbing pain? I hope I will never know and I hope I will not lose anyone else to this horrible disease.

I was also troubled and disturbed with those around him – there were many around him but I felt he’s all alone. It proves that you can be alone but not lonely and you can be surrounded by people and yet be alone. No one, except for his wife and one of his sons, is around to talk to him and comfort him. I wish his other children would take the time and effort to attend to him and keep him company. I’m powerless to say anything as I’d learnt from an early age that he didn’t like anyone, least of all me, his youngest sister, to scold or reprimand his children. (Akak, on the other hand, gives me free licence to scold her children. And despite this, I feel I’m very close to her children and they, for their part, do not resent me or treat me like a tyrannical disciplinarian).

Anyway, back to my brother. I know he’s frustrated with his condition. Anyone in his situation would be. To be reduced to such a state when one was a strong, healthy person not so long ago must be very frustrating. And I know advising and urging one who is ill to be strong is always so much easier said than done but I can also understand why people say that. Because what else can one say? No one likes to be sick or ill, indeed no one wants to be ill. And I suppose no one knows what to say to an ill person either except trying to cheer him up and encourage him to stay strong. I think it’s as hard on the ill person as it is on the visitor.

He’s lost his appetite and eats little as is expected for someone who’s not well. He’s always been an insomniac and it’s getting worse now. He spends his time thinking of his condition – and I don’t blame him for this for that’s probably what I would do too. His lungs are barely functioning and he has a lot of phlegm that he has to cough up every now and then (where does the fluid come from? Doctors here, anyone?). And because he eats very little, there’s a lot of wind in his body and he vomits out what little he eats.

I hope he will find peace soon. He said before he’s accepted his situation but if he feels frustrated now then is that acceptance? Don’t get me wrong: I don’t blame him for feeling that way because I’d probably feel the same too. I’d probably one day say I accept my fate but the next day, I may very well question it and feel frustrated. For his sake, I hope he finds peace soon. He has to learn to let go of his anger and frustration and feelings of helplessness, to forgive, and to accept his fate so that he can live the coming days with as much joy and hope he has left.

The Prophet PBUH said that we should value/make the most of five things before five: good health before sickness; wealth before poverty; leisure before preoccupation; youth before old age; and life before death. Health, Wealth, Time, and Youth, are temporary stages within the cycle of life. They seem so permanent, so full of promise, yet in reality are so fleeting and so deceitful. They breed a false sense of authority, and independence that leads to rebellion, and heedlessness. When we do eventually return to Allah Ta’ala, everyone will inescapably have to give an account of the favours that he enjoyed. ‘Man will remain firmly rooted to his place on the Day of Judgment until he is asked about five (favours): His life span - how he spent it; his youth - how he ruined/spent it; his wealth - where he earned it and how he spent it; and how he acted on what he learnt (knowledge).’

As I observed my brother, I wondered if it’d be better to die an instant death, a swift death where you will not suffer. The downside is you don’t get to say goodbye or prepare for your departure and have the opportunity to say goodbye to your loved ones. Or is it better to suffer from some illness where at least you get have some time with your loved ones and time to prepare for your departure? Unfortunately, we can’t choose how, where and when we die. What we can do though is to prepare for it.

So ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if you’re close friends with nicotine, please kick the habit. Control it before you lose control and the battle altogether. I see people huffing and puffing around me (despite the horrific images on cigarette boxes) and I don’t understand which part of ‘Smoking is bad for you’ that they don’t understand. To have your life cut short, to have your family grieve for you, to suffer the horrible disease are not only un-cool but also irresponsible. Surely we owe ourselves and God more than that. Surely our bodies deserve the best care it can get from us. Why do we abuse ourselves with bad diet and bad habits?

And this is as much a reminder for myself too: I would want, at the end, to be able to say I have lived my life the best way I know how, done what I want to do, seen what I want to see. A life with few or no regrets at all. Surely that’s possible?

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Blogger and fellow TKC alumna Ruby Ahmad passed away yesterday at Gleneagles Intan Medical Centre. Her jenazah has already been brought back to her home at 95/50 Gedung Lalang, Ampangan, 70400 Seremban. Funeral will be held today, 16th March 2010, after Asar (waiting for her son to come back from Dubai). May Allah bless her soul. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un. Al-fatihah.

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And it’s the end to Tango head’s reign at Hull. He’s been relieved and is now on gardening leave.