I had it all
But I let it slip away
Couldn't see that I treated you wrong
Now I wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you're gone
Chorus:
Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that I was blind
To let you go
I can't escape the pain
Inside
Love takes time
I don't wanna be here alone
Losing my mind
From this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I'm so incomplete
Lord, I'm needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly
Chorus
You might say that it's over
You might say that you don't care
You might say you don't miss me
You don't need me
But I know that you do and I feel that you do
Inside
Chorus
But I let it slip away
Couldn't see that I treated you wrong
Now I wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you're gone
Chorus:
Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that I was blind
To let you go
I can't escape the pain
Inside
Love takes time
I don't wanna be here alone
Losing my mind
From this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I'm so incomplete
Lord, I'm needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly
Chorus
You might say that it's over
You might say that you don't care
You might say you don't miss me
You don't need me
But I know that you do and I feel that you do
Inside
Chorus
~~~~~~~~
Yes, Love Takes Time. I need time to heal, time to recuperate. After all, even nature takes her time too. Diamonds take ages to form and great majestic oaks don’t become great overnight. Everything of value, of beauty, of majesty in the universe took time to become so.
I can’t, in my attempt to heal, form a relationship with someone else. Not only is it too soon, it also wouldn’t be fair to me, to him and especially not to the new person. I wouldn’t have liked it myself if someone seeks my company in his attempt to get over someone. That would be ultimately unflattering, and to a certain extent, downright humiliating. Hence, it is not right, for me at least, to jump from one relationship to another much like on a rebound and besides, no one would be too thrilled to fill in the shoes for anyone on the rebound anyway. There are various other ways to numb the pain and desensitise the hurt – like reading the noble Quran, rebonding with family and friends and appreciating nature.
No, it wouldn’t be right for me to develop a new relationship so soon. Because love takes time to heal when you’re hurting so much. Because I have too much respect, love, care and affection for him still than to shove him out of my mind as if he never mattered or existed – surely three years invested into a relationship cannot be erased just like that. Because I simply can’t fall in and out of love that easily. Because most of the time, nothing is what it seems.
Oh, what is love? Love, I read, is courage. For it takes a lot of courage to say ‘I’m scared’, ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’. Love is respect, for ourselves and others. Telling another person ‘I love you’ can be a risky business but hey, to gain anything, we must risk. Life itself is a risk. And great love and great achievements involve great risk.
~~~
When I was growing up and full of romantic ideas and hopes for love, I had this Fantasy of meeting my own Prince Charming (little did I know it’d be such an effort!). I want to be rescued like Cinderella from the harshness of life; I want to be saved like Rapunzel; I want to be found like Sleeping Beauty... [blame those fairytales if you must!] and we’d be married after overcoming all the trials and tribulations (and that make it a lot sweeter and worthwhile, having overcome all those trials together). And after a few years of wedded bliss, we’d start our own little family. In my Fantasy, I only wanted a pair of children with the boy preferably being the first-born [don’t ask me why but that’s always the case in my Fantasy]. I didn’t want to be greedy and ask for too many children, I just wanted a pair of them and I’d feel blessed enough. I even have a ready name for my unborn son!
But as the years progress and I find myself advancing in age, my fantasy little by little evaporated. Until I become scared altogether about ever having children. Because I still fantasise about enjoying a few years of wedded bliss/extended honeymoon period with my husband first before starting a family [because once you start, your lives will change forever], the later I get married means the more riskier it’d be not only for me but especially for my foetus. And I don’t know if I can handle it if my child is born deformed or suffering from Down’s Syndrome because I have him/her too late in life.
I always believe in being open and sincere in my thoughts and fears and told this to my boyfriend; not so much because I don’t want my own child(ren) from my own flesh and blood but because I was afraid I could not, may not, be able to accept them if they are born with problems. I don’t know if I can face such tests from God, if I’m strong enough to face such circumstances.
And so while I don’t yet know if I can be a good mother (or if I’m becoming less maternal as the years go by), what I do know and have no fear or qualms or doubts about is to be a good, loyal, pious wife, lover, companion, confidante, friend etc, to a man I call my husband and whom I’m privileged enough to spend the rest of my life with. Because all I ever want at the end of the day is -
- to share the rest of my life with someone whom I love and who loves me in return
- to love and be loved
- to care and be cared
- to hug and be hugged
- to protect and be protected
- to pamper and be pampered
- to understand and be understood
- to complement and be complemented
- to share not only joy, laughter and happiness together with each other, but also our deepest fears and doubts...
... and so much more.
I don’t want to pretend or fake self-sufficiency about being strong, about not needing someone, because I do need love [yes, I do]. Everyone does.
~~~
I have made so many mistakes in my life. But you know, I read that mistakes are messages communicated to you by God. Mistakes are feedback on how we fare. Winners actually make far more mistakes than losers; that’s why they are winners [think of Edison and Colonel Sanders]. They get more feedback as they continue to try more possibilities.
And, yes, we learn far more form our losses that our victories. When we lose, we contemplate, we analyse, we regroup, we strategise. When we win, we simply celebrate and learn very little. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Hence, there is a reason to welcome errors and mistakes. Mistakes are part of the learning process; how else do you learn if not from your mistakes? The shame is never in having failed; the shame is only in not having tried and given it your best.
It is important to separate your behaviour from yourself – your behaviour is not connected to your self-worth. So if you do something silly, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You simply make a mistake [love the sinner, hate the sin]. It’s like hitting another car when you’re driving – it’s a mistake but it doesn’t make you a mean person. And so yes, I have made my own share of mistakes. And so has everyone else. We are allowed to make mistakes, we’re only human. And most of the time, nothing is what it seems. You just have to understand the mistake and help the person correct himself.
And pain is not always a negative force and not something you should always hate. At times, a person benefits when he feels pain. As Muslims, when you’re feeling a lot of pain, you sincerely supplicate and remember God. It may be that one becomes stronger through pain and suffering. And to live with a burning and passionate heart that has been stung is purer and nobler than to live the dispassionate existence of a person who has a cold heart and a short-sighted outlook. So, even though it took me a while to realise it, I thank you God for all the mistakes and pain and suffering for otherwise I wouldn’t have known/learnt where I went wrong.
I don’t want to pretend or fake self-sufficiency about being strong, about not needing someone, because I do need love [yes, I do]. Everyone does.
~~~
I have made so many mistakes in my life. But you know, I read that mistakes are messages communicated to you by God. Mistakes are feedback on how we fare. Winners actually make far more mistakes than losers; that’s why they are winners [think of Edison and Colonel Sanders]. They get more feedback as they continue to try more possibilities.
And, yes, we learn far more form our losses that our victories. When we lose, we contemplate, we analyse, we regroup, we strategise. When we win, we simply celebrate and learn very little. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Hence, there is a reason to welcome errors and mistakes. Mistakes are part of the learning process; how else do you learn if not from your mistakes? The shame is never in having failed; the shame is only in not having tried and given it your best.
It is important to separate your behaviour from yourself – your behaviour is not connected to your self-worth. So if you do something silly, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You simply make a mistake [love the sinner, hate the sin]. It’s like hitting another car when you’re driving – it’s a mistake but it doesn’t make you a mean person. And so yes, I have made my own share of mistakes. And so has everyone else. We are allowed to make mistakes, we’re only human. And most of the time, nothing is what it seems. You just have to understand the mistake and help the person correct himself.
And pain is not always a negative force and not something you should always hate. At times, a person benefits when he feels pain. As Muslims, when you’re feeling a lot of pain, you sincerely supplicate and remember God. It may be that one becomes stronger through pain and suffering. And to live with a burning and passionate heart that has been stung is purer and nobler than to live the dispassionate existence of a person who has a cold heart and a short-sighted outlook. So, even though it took me a while to realise it, I thank you God for all the mistakes and pain and suffering for otherwise I wouldn’t have known/learnt where I went wrong.
~~~~~~~~
I'm such a sucker for romantic stuff. Serendipidity was aired last night. Brilliant movie. And a very cute hero and beautiful heroine too.
~~~~~~~~
This rather long posting is likely my last for this year. Wishing everyone a blessed Eid Mubarak and Happy New Year 2007. Please make prayers to all pilgrims in the Holy Land.
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