I don't and won't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am not yet willing to compromise my personality just to suit someone’s idea of how a perfect lady [or rather, his definition of one] should be and behave. 'Cause I'm not that type. Work-wise, I don't kiss ass 'cause I don't believe in that. But you know what? I just realised that I'm a good actress. So good I can be The Great Pretender.
My date said I didn't look at all nervous last Tuesday (in fact, he thought I was a pro. If only he knew...!). Score for Adek! I really should have considered acting as a profession instead since I'm apparently good at it, since I can apparently successfully mask my nervousness. Pray, tell me, if I wasn't nervous, would I have placed that call to England to seek reassuring, comforting words from my friend? And just so that you know, I don't go around dating Strangers In The Night or, for that matter, at any time of the day.
And yes, the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm really good at being The Great Pretender. I'm so good that I can mask my anguish, grief, sadness from the world. I'm so good I can put up a cheerful front at the office at times when at times All I Wanna Do is just rush home and cry my heart out, bawl my eyes silly, and cry myself to sleep. Yet more Tears On My Pillow.
I'm so good that even when I get new work in my tray at 6 pm, I grit my teeth, do some quick research before discussing it with my boss within 10 minutes, when I just feel like shouting, stop it, stop dumping more work into my tray/inbox! And with new tasks, I set about wondering how much Higher I have to Jump and how much further I have to run and fly.
I'm so good that I pretend to be disinterested with the male population so much so that people think I'm stuck up, that I couldn't care less. 'Cause I can act aloof, uninterested, unapproachable and I-don't-care realll good. The truth is, Sometimes, I can't help wondering what is it about me that is so off-putting to them. And you know what, there are people who are quick to dismiss or label singletons like me as choosy just 'cause we have yet to walk down the aisle. Well, we have the right to choose men based on the four criteria laid down [wealth, family status/rank, beauty/good looks and religion - but marry one who is religious and you will succeed]. I shall so be guided and I shall so choose for I have the right to choose. Is it wrong to be choosy? Surely you choose what you want to purchase carefully before paying for them; what more a potential life partner! And why do I have to lower my standards? Why do I have to stoop and lower my expectation? Well, I refuse to. And I don't want to and won't settle down for someone just 'cause I have to or ought to, just 'cause society expects me to or 'cause it's the right or proper thing to do, but because I want to. For the right reasons. And yes, I am very well aware of my biological clock ticking away, Thank You very much.
And just so that you know, I must continue on this pretence, this charade, this scene, because I must protect this little heart of mine from being shattered yet again. From being hurt again. Because I can't let my heart break anymore (does anyone know how to Unbreak My Heart?), I can't deal with heartache anymore so, please, just Quit Playing Games (With My Heart). And despite the times, the pain is still great each time. I suppose I'll Always be a novice when it comes to dealing with and healing my heart.
So I will have to go on pretending. Because that's all I think I'll ever be: wrong girl, wrong place, wrong situation, wrong time. Meets wrong boy(s) for wrong reasons. And just when she thinks she's met the right guy, the guy doesn't think so, and so he turns out to be the wrong guy after all or that she's the wrong girl for him. Maybe it's just that... I'm all wrong. But hey, I'm a good actress (and I will get better as I continue) and I shall go on. Because I've managed it so far and there's no reason why I can't continue this. And life goes on...
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