Feeling Fragile

Oh God, another Monday. I'm not ready to face this week.

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Went back to my parents' place for the weekend. Abah and Mummy not looking all that well. *Sigh* I just wish I can somehow help reduce their pain. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice by moving out. But I've spent enough on my current residence, sure, it doesn't look like any of those glamorous homes you admire in those magazines, but hey, it's still my second home. And I have spent enough. On the renovation [both times], furniture and fittings, electrical stuff... so it's really a shame if the place is left vacant til God knows when. [Initially I thought I'd live there after I get married but since that's not going to materialise anytime soon if ever, I might as well move in and start living there before I die and other people get to enjoy the fruits of my labour!]. And I don't think it's right for my elder siblings to expect me to sacrifice for them by staying home and looking after my parents, just because I'm not married. They also have their filial duty, their role, their obligation. And they cannot, should not, must not absolve themselves from that responsibility just because they have families of their own. If anything, my brothers [and I have enough of them, in every sense of the word] must take care of my parents. If I sound selfish, aren't my siblings selfish too for leaving the responsibility solely to me?

I asked Mummy last night whether she was upset when I moved out and she said no. After all, I stay close enough. And I visit them often enough. And even if I had stayed on with them, there's only so much that I can do in the non-working waking hours left after I get home from work. I still won't be able to do enough to ensure their welfare is well taken care of. And if they do get ill, will my being there actually help to reduce the pain? But Mummy and Abah are like that. They love me too much, I suppose, to want to stand in my way. And besides, at times I think it's best if I stay On My Own. Because I'm such a moody, short-fused girl and I'm not a good daughter most of the time. I fear that I only cause disappointment to my parents. I don't want them to think that they have failed in raising me to be a good Muslim; it's not their failure, it's just me being moody and cranky and annoying. My fault, not theirs.

Abah seemed to be losing weight. Actually, I can't really tell. I'm bad at telling if people have reduced weight (so if you ask me if you've lost weight and I hesitate, it's not because I don't want to tell the truth. It's more 'cause I can't tell]. And though he seemed to be sleeping a lot more over the weekend, he looked a bit haggard. I fear that he may be having diabetes, he is exhibiting some of the symptoms though. I got mad and asked Mummy why he (and she) never go to the clinic first thing after suspecting they're not well and she just brushed the question off. But Mummy and Abah are Always like that. Always waiting until the last possible minute before going to the clinic. I'm not a doctor and I can't stand to see them complain so I Always wonder why can't they just get professional medical opinion? And Mummy and Abah are Always positive and thinking good of God. That it's just another test from Him. That it's natural to get ill as the body goes into wear and tear. I'm not saying their thinking is wrong but still... don't you want to know what's wrong with yourself and try to nurse your body back to health as soon as possible? I think they just don’t want any of us to worry about them. But I do worry about them, I do. All the time. Surely they know that their baby worries about them.

I wish I could be there for them everyday. I fear of losing them. Oh God, not yet. Please. Not yet. I'm not ready to lose them.

I love you, Abah and Mummy.

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Met up with my good mates, Lin and S yesterday. Both of them just celebrated their birthdays, a day apart. So we decided to meet up, have fun, go window-Shopping etc. S wanted to buy a new handbag so we traipsed around KLCC. We even managed a free lip gloss session for ourselves, hehe. That was fun! S Finally decided to buy her bag at Isetan and we then went for some tea (none of us had tea though, I had chocolate shake). Then we resumed window shopping. In the end, I got myself a pair of wedges on offer [and I don't mean potato wedges!], Lin bought a skirt and S bought a suit [yes, in addition to the handbag].

Each of us needed the therapy for our own reasons.

Must do it again and I suspect I'll be the one spending then! [Likely to meet again to celebrate my birthday in the month of Julius Caesar].

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Gotta work. Like it or not. Because I have to take care of myself.

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OK, latest news from the home front: Abah will be admitted into the hospital tomorrow due to his sudden diabetic increase. I have to go back to my parents' house from tomorrow evening to keep Mummy company. Oh well, that is the least this girl can do. Besides Pray.