Ramblings of a Confused Mind

EvilGirl in the Korean drama tried to take her life. Now, most will think that was pretty stupid and cowardly of her, to commit suicide because her love was unrequited. But you know what, to a certain extent, I could relate to her. I totally understand her misery and her feeling of helplessness, of wondering if she is a failure, of wanting to fight for her man, of wondering if she's ever good enough and what it is that she lacks that the other girl possesses. But she shouldn't resort to such an extreme measure. And sooner or later, she has to let go. After all, if you love somebody, set them free. If they don't come back, they weren't yours to begin with.

Actually, I think those who commit suicide are actually quite brave in a way... for I could never do that, I could never hurt myself like that. How does it feel to be standing at the top of a building contemplating ending your life with a Jump? How do you decide when to Jump? And if you try taking your life by shooting yourself, well, how do you decide when to pull the trigger and where to point it to? And if you swallow a bottle of pills like EvilGirl did, how sure are you that it will work and that you will not end up not only still alive but with a damaged body? Actually, the thought did cross my mind briefly once when I was a more unstably crazy younger girl but I decided I pleasure myself, my Faith and God more than the idiot who let me down. I'm worth more than that and it's his loss, not mine. Besides, I'll never be brave enough to go ahead with it.

A friend, bless her thoughtful soul, is trying to fix me up with someone she knows. But if that doesn't work out, if he's not interested, it's still OK. I've been hurt before, I know only too well how it feels like. But hey, it's not as if I want to get married; I'm sure I don't want to, what with all the horror stories you hear only too often these days. And sometimes I'm not even sure if I can have a kid. I know I'm not ready for a serious commitment involving marriage & kids [will I ever?!]. And I'm still selfish enough at this point in time to just want to adopt should I want a kid 'cause I don't think I can put up with all the pain and having to wake up in the middle of the night to soothe the baby [but of course I may change my mind later]. I just want to make love without commitments and I wish people will let me be happy instead of trying to make me feel like I don't fit in just because I have yet to let go of my single status despite the pleasures. At the end of the day, It's My Life anyway!

I believe God knows what's best for everyone and I must have Faith and persevere [I know, I know, easier said than done. God knows how many times I blame Him, how many times I said I'm fed-up of having to be strong etc but at least I passed my exams and got my professional qualification and Master degree to show up for my disappointment - yes, my escapism from those who hurt me has been academia so far]. I keep telling myself that this is a minor setback. God sure moves in Mysterious Ways, we don't know what His grand plans are for now. Like me, maybe if I got married earlier, I may not last or sth and that's why it's taking so long to find the right guy for my pleasure. Or maybe I don't have guts, simple as that.

In the meantime, I just want to have fun, sit back and enjoy life, go travelling... [and yes, continue watching Korean dramas!] It's really ok if I don't get married - I've convinced myself that and am preparing myself for that. After all, it's not the end of the world and there is no guarantee that married life will be any less Complicated or that it will solve problems. I've learnt earlier on that things don't happen for/to me [or if they do, not as easily], like they do to other people. But hey, it's only life, I Gotta Get Through This.

In case you're wondering, I have forgiven [but not necessarily forgotten, that's harder to do somehow, unless I can undergo some medical procedures to erase some selected memories like in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind] the idiots and jerks in my life, simply because I don't want to be bitter and having grudges when I'm older. On another note, even MakJan [divorcees] have better luck than me at dating!