Memories...

It wasn't love, no, it was certainly not that. But I did like him.

He was different from the other blokes I knew: he was much older. I'd hoped that that would mean that he was wiser, more matured, patient, considerate and caring. Oh, and he was of a different background, race and religion. I liked him (note the past tense) despite all that. A few friends encouraged me to pursue the relationship but many more advised me against it/him.

I told him earlier on that he must not convert because of love (if it ever developed into that) or because of anyone: that is not a good enough reason to change one's faith. But he must only do so because of God. I hoped that over time, it would be clearer to him as to the right thing to do. Sure, converting one's faith is not something one does every day or overnight. It takes time to change one's beliefs and faith. I was willing to give him time. I was willing to wait. I prayed to God for him to make his own decision, not that influenced by peer pressure. Oh, how I prayed!

But it didn't work out. It was not meant to be. it probably shouldn't have started at all. And I was hit. Surprisingly, unexpectedly, hard.

I never knew the reason(s). Was it religion? Pressure from family/friends/pastor? Was it the background then? Was it the age gap? Was it me? Or circumstances? Something like being in the wrong relationship at the wrong time? Or, was there a third party? Worse still, was he just playing with my Feelings?

I was angry at first, understandably so. Angry that he didn't seem to try to save it. Angry cause I didn't know what happened, why it happened, how... Sure he didn't make promises, infact he disclaimed any liability even from the beginning. I was convinced I hated him for not giving it more time to work out. I hated it when we bumped into each other which was inevitable at first. I hated him for making me hate myself for liking him. If that makes sense.

Was it wrong of me to expect a miracle? Was it wrong of me to set hopes, to pray that it would work out? Was I just being stupid, naive, Foolish? I'd like to think that I had not prayed, hoped and waited in vain.

I accept now that we are not meant to be. That it was another page in my history book. That God has other plans for me, which I have yet to uncover and discover. I no longer hate him - it's self-destructive and pointless. He probably doesn't even know the torture I put myself through. I have forgiven him but it proves much harder to forget. But I have stopped wondering what went wrong, a long time ago. I have stopped analysing the past and agonising over 'what-ifs'.

As the saying goes, there's a lot of water under the bridge now. Let sleeping dogs lie. But sometimes, the Memories still come back to haunt me...